Missing my best friend
Keep reading that writing a journal will be very helpful in this journey of sorrow. Well I'll give it a try because the hurt sometimes feels to bad to endure.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
Replies
4-21-15 Today I was caught up in thoughts of 3 months ago. 3 months ago today was the last time I kissed RAY. It was just before he was going in for surgery. It was hard leaving him and sitting in the waiting room. But surgery went well and I got to see him in recovery before he woke up. Then he was groggie and finially he was awake enough to smile and say \"thank you\" to me.. He felt good, last time he ever smiled.. That was the last time he felt good. I remember when he told me thank you, my heart felt such a surge of relief and happiness.
The 22nd of January until he went home on the 27th the nurses and doctors said he was progressing right along. But I never understood why he was seeing things, I was told some people do. It was normal. But I watched Youtube videos of Rays heart surgery and their recoving, all got better dailey, he didn\'t. Yes we would go for the required walks in the halls, he slept most of the time I was there, but he was seeing things.
He came home 1-27-15 and rested a lot that day. He tried to sleep in bed that night but he it was hard for him to breath, I thought his surgery would help his breathing.
So he slept sitting up on the couch again, like the past 6 months. I was so looking forward to having my husband well again and able to sleep in bed with me. Part of beinfg married, you shouldn\'t sleep seperately.
So the week at the hospital, now 3 months later this week are all memories that i have gone over in my mind a lot today..Today was the day he was to be released so he could go back to normal activities.
4-23-15 yesterday was a good day, busy, got a lot done. Planted flowers to brighten the house up, cut the back field. Just a good day in the sun!
Today was not as good but a good day. I charish the good days. Not as sunny and cooler but am glad for each good day.
I love your journal. I know this is a hard life we now have to live and I wish I didn\'t have to. Today was rough for me, missed my husband a lot today I want him back so I can do it right; but it looks like what we had was our right. I can identify with so many of the things you wrote. My husband was perfect, I\'m not perfect, our relationship was not perfect and many times I felt like I could have been softer with him. But he could definitely hold his own. I miss his craziness. I never imagined he would not be here. Some how we will make it through. Not sure how or when...but we will. Take care of yourself.
4-28-15 3 months ago today at 5pm Ray left me. I know he didn\'t want to go, he even told me before his surgery that he didn\'t want to die. But I think his heart had enough.
I don\'t know what moves any of us forward without our loved ones. I can handle life without Rayy so much better then I did even a few weeks ago.
Does it mean I love him any less then someone who stays in deep moarning longer. No I don\'t think so. I just can hold my thoughts and feelings inside, keep that dull heaviness in my chest but act as though things are fine. I also have a great excape, I can go out in the back fields on my tractor think, cry, talk out loud most anytime I feel the need.
So today is much like any other day. I am getting used to being alone. I think God has smiled upon me long ago. I have friends that I didn\'t know I had, sons who are really good to me, and many animals that depend on me to care for them. The farm and the farm chores were always my thing, so I am able to do more now. It\'s just me making the rules for just me.
So another day, will moarn Ray more today because it\'s the 3 month mark of his death. He was to have been healed enough after surgery to be able to do most what he wanted. A life and life events that were planned but won\'t happen will be thought about today. A love will be missed that was real but now just held in my heart. Miss you Ray, miss being your wife, I liked being your wife, seems like you are in the next room yet gone for a long time..
Great journal writing! I hope it has been cathartic for you. I\'ve thought about you often lately. Hugs, D
I pray that God keeps smiling on us.
May 5th..I\'d like a margarita!
A little over 3 mo. without Ray, still look at a picture of him and it\'s like he is still here. Every line of his face so familiar, I want to reach out and touch it.. Just writing that makes my chest ping a little..
I have been doing a lot better, doing more to keep myself busy has been helping. But today is a sad day.. Not sure except I think friends are trying to set me up. Not real pushy but we go places and there is a single male that is there that they know and they introduce me to them and then we all hang out together. Or the other day a client that I am training his bird dog came over to shoot over the dog and had a single friend drive in to help.? Makes me miss Ray that much more.
Oh well roller coaster, right...I really want to get off this ride..
May 11th Mother\'s Day weekend. I think I am one of the lucky ones, life continues and is actually good. I am accepting being alone, memories of Ray actually make me smile more then bring a tear to my eye. I think it\'s because I keep really busy, the weather is wonderful and God is showing me the way to peace in my heart. I can\'t be sad when the world around me is so beautiful. There\'s a new song where the lyrics go \"It\'s been a long time without you my friend, ..I\'ll tell you all about it when I see you again\". That\'s my thoughts for Ray, I\'ll tell him about my life without him when I see him again..I still so miss him, he\'s in my heart and life is getting better for me even though he\'s left me behind.
May 28th 4 months since I had my last day with Ray. So much has changed, so much the same. I so love the farm but this was a hard weekend for me. A farm can bring such beauty, a feeling of closeness to God. But this weekend was full of death and loss. So it is fitting that I will also be finding the 4 month anniversary without my right hand man hard to take. Miss ya Ray would give anything to either have you back or go be with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
June 28th, Funny how dates happen, is there a reason or just is.. Ray 1 yr ago today go sick. He was helping me at a dog show judging assignment and they had cleaned the building, it had a strong odor of cleaning solution and he had issues breathing. After that day he was never right again. He went to a specialist and was treated for breathing issues for about 8 months, never really got better. Finially was sent to a heart specalist and they said he might have suffered a mild heart attack that day. June 28th of 2014.
Ray had heart surgery Jan. 21st of 2015 and died on his birthday Jan 28, 2015. Never expected him to die, he had surgery and we were told he\'d get better, 93% chanch to be better then he\'d been in a long time.
Well that wasn\'t in the cards for Ray, he didn\'t suffer he died getting into the pick up truck after a visit to the doctor, fell out of the truck dead.. He was able to spend his last night at home after a week in the hospital after surgery. Wish I had known it was his last night at home alive, would have spent every second with him.
But my life goes on. I thank God for my family and friends and for those who have helped me get through these last few months. I have maybe met someone, oddly enough on DS. Not sure where if at all it is going, came about totally unexpected. But it has kept my mind occupied and am happy. Still miss Ray a lot and would love to have had more time with him on this earth. But we\'ll see what the future holds, no expectations about anything just taking care of myself and the farm and the critters...wish I had the last year as a do over! But Ray and I handled it the best we could just a different outcome then expected.
Well Ray has been gone 6 months today. In some ways it seems a lot longer and other ways like yesterday. I still talk to his picture daily and miss him a lot. Kind of a sad day in another way. About 3 days after loosing Ray and joining here I recieved a post from someone who has written me most every day for these past 6 months. Found out that indeed he is a romantic scammer, kind of thought so and asked him a few times about it. But the past month or so it started to become very evident. Today it came to the end, so in one way sad because I did think of this person as a friend. So today lost a friend and 6 months ago my husband. But I am doing ok and moving on with my life.