missing my baby today

Today is a stupid day. I found out my graduation is delayed because i missed fall term. And it's my sister's 25th birthday. She is about 5 months pregnant and showing and also will have my little nephew there at dinner tonight. I'm just sad. I got my results back and i am definetely not pregnant... and i was happy. Kind of. I waited too long to try again and i am way too terrified to be pregnant.
This week in psy 215 we covered infant development and a girl brought in a kind of collage video of her baby growing up over the last 3 years and learning to use chopsticks and ride a tryke and all that stuff. Everyone was like "aww so cute!!" and i was the only one crying. Thank God it was dark. All i could think was like, "Sophia will never do that. She'll never see flowers or have a favorite color or try sushi. She'll never laugh or trip and fall on her butt. She's lying in a hole in the cold ground miles away from me and i can't have her." Yeah so i freaked and ran to the bathroom and just cried.
Then in math the next day i sat next to a girl and didn't even realize she was pregnant until she complained to me about being kicked from the inside. She was drinking a coffee and i almost told her " be careful what you drink now because you think it can never happen to you but your baby might not make it and you'll blame yourself forever over that stupid coffee..."
But of course i didn't. I didn't say a word i about Sophia dying all i said is " yeah i remember taking math when i was pregnant". And for some stupid reason i asked if she was having a girl or a boy and OF COURSE it was a girl. that was like a kick in the face. But she's nice im not mad at her its just hard to look at her and not be reminded of everything that i've lost.
It's especially hard because i'm finishing my associates at a community college and there's a lot of people in their late 20's who all have kids and they mention how hard it is every chance they get. And i know it is hard for them but i also can't help but think i would go through that stress and lack of sleep a hundred times over just to know my baby was even alive.
I know i would cut off every limb on my body and sacrifice every dime i have just to see Sophia laugh once. It's depressing.
So it's like i'm surrounded by pregnant women and kids and everytime i call my best friend i say "what are you doing" and she always says " taking care of babies" or bitches about how they won't sleep or stay still or blah blah blah.
I did want to be pregnant. But i know i'm scared out of my head and also i do want to see my dentist and do a few things that i need to before i even think of being pregnant. So... i hope i do okay today being surrounded by happy parents and pregnant ppl while i'm feeling so sad. I just had to write cuz i'm feeling like i'm being torn apart the harder school and life gets.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sorry you have had a rough day. I know the feeling of listening to people about their children and seeing pregnant ppl. I get sad everytime someone talks about what their child has done and all I can think about is Andrew wont be doing that. I hate that we all have to go through this. I would give anything and everything to have my baby boy with me and to have those sleepless nights and stress levels through the roof. This is going to make all of us appreciate the up bringing of our rainbows so much more. Big hugs to you, Andrea
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m sorry you are having a rough day. I was always surrended my pregnant women and kids after I lost my son. But being around the kids is what got me through it.