missing my son

LONG RANT ABOUT MY SAD PREDICAMENT AND RIDICULOUS CIRCUMSTANCES ...........I have a 22 year old son whom I haven't heard from in at least 3 weeks. Basically he is out on the streets. They don't call it asbergers anymore but when they did..... that is what he had. I fear that maybe that isn't even the worst... I am concerned that it is a strong possibility that he could have schizophrenia ....He has some strange ways and ideas ...but that could also be a sign of drug use. The point is...... I DON'T KNOW. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. If he is cold or even alive!!!!............... He has been gone since July of last year. The last time I heard from him he was in Denver CO. We live in California. I assume he is hitch hiking..He is an adult and has the right to live as he pleases. I miss him and I am so worried. I am a single parent...my oldest son(24) is getting married next month. He lives 3 hours away and I have no money to help him with expenses..which makes me feel like a big loser.My husband is dead and he wasn't to good to us when he was alive...My twelve year old is autistic and extremely difficult to   manage especially the older he gets...he is becoming rebellious and has an obsession with fire...I love him so much and wouldn't  trade him for the world but his" ticks" are maddening at times and repeating words and phrases...I am so burnt out. My daughter who is 11 is showing signs of depression and rightly so since she has lost her father and the older boys are gone. I am overwhelmed. And so lonely...my parents health is getting worse and worse and my mom is very childish and hard to be around. But I try to tolerate her behavior long enough to help them because my step-dad is on oxygen and can barely keep the house decent. I am so alone. ...It gets worse...I have no sisters and my brother died.He committed suicide...There are times when I just get so angry at him and I want to shout out loud....REALLY...You couldn't handle life...YOU!!! And then of course I feel guilty for feeling that way. I know he was in pain and I can't compare my pain to his. I don't know why I'm not suicidal. I would say that it is because of the kids and my responsibilities but I think that it is something else. I am mildly peaceful a good percentage of the time to spite the difficulties and the low grade sadness that hangs over me like a dark cloud...Anyway I know I could make more of an effort to socialize. But honestly I don't have the time. and I am tired of faking being "OK" so as not to frighten the" normals". And besides I really don't have time for acquaintances and buddies. I do turn to God..I really do...I know that it is no small statement to say that it is my reliance on God and him alone that gets me through and keeps me going... I don't mean to give the impression that I take that for granted...But maybe I am doing this whole christian thing wrong...because..aren't I supposed to be filled with joy. aren't I supposed to be content, fulfilled, happy to serve. Aren't I supposed to not want a man and to be some kind of... I can do it all by myself woman, warrior, super mom saint????Shouldn't I be healed of all my inner frailties since I have prayed for strength like a soldier in battle. God gives me peace in the eye of the storm, when I am alone in the desert. When it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am failing on a global level ,,,and again I realize the value of that. But I am just so tired of feeling so sad. And so worried about my kids and so alone.I am so sick of losing. So sick of the losses. I am grateful, but not very happy. That is all for now. Next journal maybe I will talk about my dad. I am too tired to get into that rant..lol