Missing you
Hi Sweetie,
I got back last night from visiting Tracy and Mike with Jill. It was OK getting away for awhile but I couldn't wait to get home. That's where my memories of you are. While I was in Maryland, we went to Cracker Barrel for supper one night and the memories were overwhelming. That was where we always stopped for breakfast on our way to Atlanta. It brought back so many fun memories of our trips.
I keep reading and hearing about other spouses feeling the presence of their spouses and having dreams about them but I've had neither. Sometimes I get mad at you for this. I know it's so irrational but that's my thinking lately. I just miss you so much. When I look at pictures of you from the last few months, I can see how bad you must have felt but you never complained. You always had the most positive attitude. I've been regretting alot of things about your last day. I wish I hadn't gone home that morning and would have just stayed there with you. Todd was worried about me and insisted I come home and get some rest. You seemed to be doing OK so I came home. I called him around noon and he said you guys were just hanging out and watching TV. He told me not to come up until late afternoon and just get some rest and quit worrying. I knew how you loved your one-on-one time with him so I didn't come up. I keep thinking that if I was there I could have helped you in some way but not sure how. I'm so grateful though that our last words to each other were "I love you" and of course, you answered with your standard "I love you more".
I'll close for now. I love and miss you so much.
I got back last night from visiting Tracy and Mike with Jill. It was OK getting away for awhile but I couldn't wait to get home. That's where my memories of you are. While I was in Maryland, we went to Cracker Barrel for supper one night and the memories were overwhelming. That was where we always stopped for breakfast on our way to Atlanta. It brought back so many fun memories of our trips.
I keep reading and hearing about other spouses feeling the presence of their spouses and having dreams about them but I've had neither. Sometimes I get mad at you for this. I know it's so irrational but that's my thinking lately. I just miss you so much. When I look at pictures of you from the last few months, I can see how bad you must have felt but you never complained. You always had the most positive attitude. I've been regretting alot of things about your last day. I wish I hadn't gone home that morning and would have just stayed there with you. Todd was worried about me and insisted I come home and get some rest. You seemed to be doing OK so I came home. I called him around noon and he said you guys were just hanging out and watching TV. He told me not to come up until late afternoon and just get some rest and quit worrying. I knew how you loved your one-on-one time with him so I didn't come up. I keep thinking that if I was there I could have helped you in some way but not sure how. I'm so grateful though that our last words to each other were "I love you" and of course, you answered with your standard "I love you more".
I'll close for now. I love and miss you so much.
Replies
oH jUDY, HOW i UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE FEELING. I have gone over all the \"woulda shoulda couldas SO MANY times in my head since my Greg passed. I was lucky I got to be there, but to this day I\'ll never KNOW completely that he heard me.
I would think of him every minute, and HOPE that I would hear from him. the first dream I had of him, he looked as he loked in the ICU the night he passed. I thought that meant that he was upset with me, or that I hadn\'t done something right. It HAUNTED me. So see some of the dreams are not too good.
The last words you said to each other were \"I love you\". I am SURE that he is loving you now even more. What you wrote about how your sweet husband, even though battling, had such a positive attitude. YOU were a BIG part of that!! YOU gave him the strength to go on, and on. and be able to FIGHT because he KNEW how much you loved him!!!
That\'s all anyone can do is that.
I look at the pictures of Greg too, and I never really saw the toll his illness took on his body until after. All I saw was him.
My heart just breaks for you, because I understand the pain you are feeling.
Please know that he LOVED you....MORE.
My hopes for healing. Diane
Judy, I didn\'t get to say goodbye either.....and in a way after thinking about it, I guess God was good .........................I have always hated saying goodby..............and it would have been hard for Norm too.............................I haven\'t had many experiences feeling Norm\'s presence but if you are so inclined, I wrote a post called butterfly kisses................that was really the most amazing thing that has happened to me since Norm died......................and I think about the post that said every sunset, we are one day closer to being reunited..............................as close as Norm and I were, I would have thought I would have felt or deamed about him more too...............really miss him today.......................
try to come to OH in Sept...............
L
Judy, I didn\'t get to say goodbye either.....and in a way after thinking about it, I guess God was good .........................I have always hated saying goodby..............and it would have been hard for Norm too.............................I haven\'t had many experiences feeling Norm\'s presence but if you are so inclined, I wrote a post called butterfly kisses................that was really the most amazing thing that has happened to me since Norm died......................and I think about the post that said every sunset, we are one day closer to being reunited..............................as close as Norm and I were, I would have thought I would have felt or deamed about him more too...............really miss him today.......................
try to come to OH in Sept...............
L
Thanks for the encouraging words. It means so much to be able to communicate with people who REALLY know what you\'re going through. I will look for the Butterfly kisses post. It sounds beautiful. Sometimes I get mad at him because I don\'t have dreams but I guess that\'s better than having dreams that are unsettling. I\'m sure he wasn\'t mad at you, just hated to leave you. I really hate this new lifestyle!
I spoke to my husband 10 minutes before he got out of bed and collapsed. At that time he told me he was fine and I went to take a shower only to hear a loud noise and it was him falling. A pulmonary embolism took him that quick. I often wondered if he knew I was there trying to get help for him. I replay that scene over and over in my mind. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to think if only this and if only that. The truth is nothing would have stopped what happened from happening. I know your husband knew you loved him and thats all that counts. I believe he would want you to take care of yourself now. I know that is no easy task. Wishing you peace.
I wanted to mention that Cracker Barrel was the place Melvin and I went every Sunday after church. I have gone once but not on Sunday and saw the wait staff there who wondered where we had been. I haven\'t been able to go back again yet. It holds a lot of memories for me.
I too wish I could feel my husband close by or something. Read a book by James Van Praagh \"Healing Grief\" He says their spirits are around us. Wish I knew for sure if Vinnie was...
The last couple of days I\'ve felt angry because I haven\'t had any dreams or feel his presence. I can\'t get mad at him because I know that\'s insane but I do. My kids have had dreams about him, why can\'t I. It\'s so frustrating! I want to feel like he\'s protecting me and in some insanely stupid way, I feel like he\'s letting me down.