Miss him so
Eddie's birthday is Wednesday. So you know me - I have a plan. Joshua, Christina & their mom are coming over for dinner. I am making Eddie's favorite cake. Spice cake with buttercream frosting. I made that cake for him his whole life, except for last year. He passed on 9/4 & his birthday came 18 days later on 9/22. I used to love September. It is a painful month now. My plan is to rejoice in the years that he was here on his birthday. My grandchildren want to look at pictures. Deep breath - pictures are rough for me now.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
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