misery on monday

Monday April 28th, 2008 7:55 AM  Another miserable morning…Vacation was nice but this damned anxiety/depression once again robbed me of fully enjoying anything. Saturday night was the only time where it seemed to let up enough that I wasn’t totally down in the dumps. Why do I have these short term good moments? When I have a good moment I pray to God it’s the beginning of a pattern of good hours, days, weeks, years….but it’s usually just a short lived burst of life…then the next morning comes…and I find myself back in the dark pit. I am only a week into the Prozac and on my second therapy session. I’ve suffered anxiety/depression on and off for 20+ years……and have been in a living hell of my own creation for the past 4 months. I can’t expect a miracle in such a short time but when every day of your existence feels like a year you wonder why nothing is better. My vacation was over yesterday….it feels like it happened last year.  When does the nightmare end? In the past I was always able to find something to sooth the anxiety/depression at least for a short period of time. I could entertain myself or hang out with friends and it would subside a bit. This one is bad. I can’t get away from this situation and I can’t find anything to relive the pain. Everyday I live this tortured existence with no end in sight. Everyone tells me it will get better in time. I’m sure it will but when? The situation that put me in this state will not be resolved for several years so I can’t rely on that day to bring me peace. I have to find peace with myself….yet when you blame yourself for everything how do you find peace? Being angry with someone else is not good but at least you are not angry with yourself. Being angry with your self makes every minute of life miserable. I feel I can barely function in life right now. Everything feels impossible. Every morning is misery as I try to get myself out of bed. Every task is forced. I’m trying to work and it’s like torture. I feel like there is so much to do but I don’t want to do any of it. I feel a bit better after something is done…but getting is done is agony. No one should have to live like this.  Can’t I just stop being miserable? Can I just allow myself to enjoy life? Why is this so hard? Why must every minute of my life feel so sad and hopeless? I just want to crawl out of my own skin but I can’t so I plod along through each hopeless/joyless day. Will I never wake from this nightmare? Some day I will…but when? How much damage will I do to my relationship with my beautiful girl? How much worry will I have put my parents through? My parents are so close to ending the nightmare of that business…and now I’m going to cause them more stress?  I will never again plan for the future. I had it all figured out…happily ever after I thought. Instead my plans backfired in my face. Everyone including my girlfriend and parents can’t understand why I’m so anxious/depressed………all I know is that I am……and it’s causing us all a lot of grief. I guess when every decision you thought was right ended up being wrong and your dreams are crushed something has to give. Not only were my plans destroyed but now I get to pay every month for the next several years which just rubs salt in my already gaping wound.  God please give me peace.