Misery

Are all relationships miserable? Everyone I know who is in one, I feel sorry for. Ever since we got engaged, I feel so much worse. I often wonder if me feeling so sick is in correlation to getting engaged. I just feel so sick at my stomach. I can't take this stress.

Last weekend he wasn't acting himself and went all psycho and said he hated living with mom and me. He wandered off somewhere outside in the dark, barefoot. He asked me to shoot him. He got a knife out of the kitchen drawer. He walked toward me with it. Idk if he was going to hurt me or himself. I made him leave and locked him out of the house. He missed work the next day and came back like nothing happened. Reeked of weed. He said he flipped out because the meds his psychiatrist put him on are wrong. I think he just can't handle going off the marijuana. Either way I am stuck with this deadbeat piece of shit. I wish I could call someone to come get him and his stuff. I don't feel safe and my poor stomach is just in knots. I just get fatter and sicker. I don't want to be around him or talk to him and I don't want the police involved.

I'm going to have to talk to him tonight. I'm confused about alot of things he said. Like he said a friend of his is moving in a year and he wants to go with him. Then why can't we break up now instead of then?

I just don't feel like we are in love anymore and I don't understand why we are together. It's bringing back too many traumatic memories of fights with my ex and breaking up with him.

I feel like no one likes my fiance. Everyone is always telling me he is a deadbeat and I could do better. But I don't feel like I can do better. I've always felt like no one wanted me when it comes to dating. I feel like all the guys I've dated I had to settle for ugly or fat or bald or mental health issues because no one normal or good looking would give me the time of day.

Still tho I feel like there is something broken in my relationship and it can't be fixed. I feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships and I would be happier alone and free to spend my time how I please. Even tho being single before sucked. Everyone always asking if I was gay. Getting treated bad and called a man or tranny. Even tho I'm not. If you aren't a 6 foot plus woman you will never understand how bad the body shaming and ridicule is. I finally found a tall man who likes my height and doesn't tell me I need breast implants. Before last weekend I never felt in danger or like he would hurt me. Idk how to fix this. He says I have problems, like this is all my fault. Idk anymore. I just wish I would stop hurting.