Miserable, Sad and Lonely
It is going to be 6 months since you have been gone and this pain is getting worse. I miss you so much and I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself crying and wanting to be with you more than ever. It seems that nothing is enjoyable or worth living without you. I know that the children need me but I also need you here with me to help me make it through. I love you and miss you Carlos. Where are the people that cared for you, they have not even called to see how I am doing? They don't visit your gravesite and bring you flowers. My family is busy getting ready for the holidays and have forgot that I exist. You were the only one that was there for me and I miss you honey. I look around and I try to find you everywhere I go but you are not longer here with us. I look up in the sky maybe I can see you smiling down on me but I cannot find you either. Where are you? You rarely come in my dreams and when you do you say you have to leave. Please honey come more often to visit me because I need you so badly. I hate the holidays and I don't understand because this was one of our favorite times. I read so much to understand what death is like and maybe then I will accept it. I ask God to give me strenght to continue and to please tell you that I love you and miss you so much. I ask God to please grant me a wish and have you come to visit me for Christmas and I know it sounds insane but that is all I want for christmas. Said had one of his anger episodes and decided to leave home. I begged him not to but he decided he will leave so I let him go but I guess he did not expect me to that so he left but came back early in the morning. He has been humble since then and has expressed how much he loves me and how much he misses you. He said mom I miss dad so much he was my best friend and I don't know how to handle this pain. Rosela cries a lot and has grown up so much. She is starting to realize all the things you told her about making sure she finishes her education. She is going back to school to get her nursing degree. Said is also going back to school. We miss you Carlos and it is hard without you. I feel like my whole life has come to the point that I don't want to continue but at the same time I know that is not what you expect me to do. I got a call from Eduardo that said that you gave him as message for me. He said that you told him "tell Linda that I am okey", thank you Carlos for letting me know but I would have preferred for you to come and tell me in my dreams. I have not brought any christmas presents for the kids. I don't know what to give them. I want to give them something special and it needs to include you. I am planning to have us volunteer at a shelter or take a needy family and help them for the holidays in your name. That is our gift to you and we love you. Carlos why did you leave me? Ask God to tell me why you had to leave? I feel so alone and depressed without you. Help me please I am going insane. I am writing this letter and I am crying so much. Today is so rough and it is due to so many things but most of all it is due to not having you hear with me. I love you and want you back. Please God do the miracle and give me back my husband. You are so powerful and can make so many miracles then do this one for me. Give me back my husband, Please God. I am not suppose to question you or dare you God but I don't know what to do and how to continue. Carlos, darling I love you and miss you so much. I am going insane with this pain, lonliness, and sadness. Help me Carlos. I love you.
Replies
Linda, I too feel you pain.. I beg and bargained with God to bring Mike back but he did not. I pleaded with Mike to come to me in a dream but I only dreamt of him twice but he never said anything but was smiling. I did everything I could to either dream of him or bring him back because life without Mike is no life at all. I wanted to just lay down beside my husband in his coffin - I needed and still need to be with him but on the other hand, I could not do that to my children. Losing one parent is hard enough but losing 2 would just be too much for them and I could not put them through something like that and I know you could not either. It is because we feel all alone. Our soul mates are not with us but know in your heart that if Carlos and Mike had a choice it would be to stay with us. Perhaps they do not come to us because they already know we are having a difficult time with our loss that we would never let go and go on with our lives. I have prayed that Mike would come to me and talk to me. I just wanted to know that he was okay and could see his grandson grow up and that he would help and guide me. We will never know the answer on why our husband had to leave this earth until it is our turn. Christmas is the hardest for me because Mike loved Christmas but I am not decorating and I am just staying home. Know that Carlos is with you because your son had a change of heart and your daughter is rethinking her education. There are signs that they give us, only we have to look for them, open up our hearts. He gave you the sign when Said came back home and was humble. Carlos gave you a sign when your daughter thought about continuing her educations so he is with you Linda, we just will not get the conversation that we desperately want and feel we just must have. Spend Christmas the way you feel you want to. No one but you will know how to do this. As far as family is concerned. I cannot answer that but I have the same problem. You are not alone in how you feel or how people are not reaching out to you when you need it the most but know we at DS are here and we are reaching out to you to help you the best way that we can. Take care Linda
Linda, I feel your pain. I know that our loved one cannot come back to us and i have excepted that, but it really sucks. I am here for you if you need to talk or just want some to listen to you, you can vent with me. lets chat sometiem and we can exchange numbers. I find it much easier to talk then to write. take care your friend dawn..
Lindalu. . .I am so sorry that you are still suffering so much. It isn\'t good for you to pray for Carlos to return. he is always with you inside your heart and he misses you too. God always picks the best flowers from his garden first and I am sure that Carlos was a very good man. I will pray for you to find the strength to accept that he is in heaven now and is waiting for you. hugs, Shirley
Linda - i know. i know so much how you feel. i am so so so sorry. i wish i could make it better for you. for all of us.
Linda, I am so sorry for all the pain - we all are feeling it. We need to have faith, God only takes the best and it is so very hard to understand why he took someone who was so important to us and our children. I just hit the seven month mark and I\'m having the same feelings as you. Our husbands would want us to be strong for our kids and grandkids, but it does feel as if we are totally alone. I don\'t think I have ever been the alone in my entire life, even when my Mom died. Please take care of yourself - we will make it through these next few weeks. Wishing you Peace
Oh sweet heart, my heart breaks for you. I know this pain also. God is right there next to you. He is your kinsman redeemer now. You can look that up in your Bible, and if you are having a hard time with that I will help you if you like. I know you want to hang on to Carlos, but the best thing you could do for both of you is to let go. Please don\'t freak out by this. It\'s okay. God is right there. God wants you to start talking to Him like you so sweetly spoke to Carlos. Carlos may be dead but our God is very much alive and more than able to answer all your questions. He sometimes even answers the why over time by opening up our eyes to see how the passing of our loved one Glorified God. You said your children have returned to school and are drawing close to you. I would hope that you would set the example for them in how to draw close to God. You have a long road a head of you and there is no way around it, under it, or over it. The only way is through it and God needs to be the one to guide you through it. God loves you and He will show you His love along the way if you let Him. God gave us HIS ONLY Son born at Christmas time to live among us for 30 years minister for 3 showing us the way and then died on the cross to bear our sins past present and future. That is God\'s gift to us during this season. We only exchange gifts in imitation of this, but our hearts should never forget what a sacrifice God made watching HIS pure and blameless Son die on the cross for our sins. Jesus experienced it all including the lose of a loved one. When Mary and Martha lost their brother Lazerous Jesus wept openly. God wept at the death of HIS Son and tore the temple curtans. God knows what your going through. You don\'t have to worry or fear that you will forget your Carlos even though it might seem like that at times. In the end you will only remember the good stuff and it will flow abundantly. There are many ways to not let his memory die. The one I like is having a blogspot and inviting others to write their memories of him there to share with everyone else. I am doing something similar to this. When it is time and you are ready to let go you may want to get a ballon for each of you or just yourself and write a note to Carlos on it and then release the ballon letting go so the ballon and message can make it to him. Hang in there Linda, God has a plan and purpose for you life. Seek after Him and He will reveal this to you. I hope this helps. You are loved here. Consider youself hugged. If you can get involved in a women\'s bible study at church I think it would be a great thing for you. I was once told that we need 7 hugs a day to be mentally stable and it is pretty close to the truth. They have found that premature babies need to be touched in order to thrive. Adults are no different. Hugs from these gals in the bible study are not the same as a hug from Carlos, but they are the next best thing and God can use those hugs supernaturally to fulfill you in ways you never new imaginable. God bless you and keep you!
everytime i read your journal it feels like i wrote it my feeling r just like yours Gerry will be gone frome us one year tomorrow seems like yesterday i am sad peace nita
I know your pain..All of us here at DS does...Some how we get through it...It has now been 3 years for me..The first year is just a blur...I cried so much and hurt so bad that I can\'t remember it.. That is how bad the first year is...The second year was bad also..but I realized he wasn\'t coming back and I tried harder to go on..At times the pain would come back just as hard as the first year, but I could get over it...Now the third year ....I can go days with out crying...I can even remember the good things and not be so sad...but at times..the pain will still hit and I cry...It still hurts..But I can get over it ~~until it hits again...Just hold on to the love he gave you and we will be here for you on DS....Just keep trying for your kids sake..
Linda - My heart ached when I read your journal. I also believe that Carolos is with you and your children and guiding you. It is hard to have to relate to our loved ones in a totally different manner. It is just not the same not to be with them, hear their voice and share their lives. However, your Carlos remains with you -- reach out and talk to him. My prayers are with you. I know how you feel -- I miss my beloved John so much that it hurts and scares me. Please take care of yourself. Reach out to your children -- they need you. Love, Jude
Oh Linda,
My heart hurt so much reading your letter to Carlos. I feel so much of what you do. The holidays are empty of meaning and joy. Just isn\'t the same and never will be.
I hope that Carlos comforts you in your dreams. Losing them does not mean we lost our love for them. It goes on and going on alone is unbelieveably hard. I also wish it were different.
sending you love and peace, and hoping you do okay tomorrow
love, Susan