Miserable, Sad and Lonely

It is going to be 6 months since you have been gone and this pain is getting worse.  I miss you so much and I don't know what to do with myself.  I find myself crying and wanting to be with you more than ever.  It seems that nothing is enjoyable or worth living without you.  I know that the children need me but I also need you here with me to help me make it through.  I love you and miss you Carlos.  Where are the people that cared for you, they have not even called to see how I am doing?  They don't visit your gravesite and bring you flowers.  My family is busy getting ready for the holidays and have forgot that I exist.  You were the only one that was there for me and I miss you honey.  I look around and I try to find you everywhere I go but you are not longer here with us.  I look up in the sky maybe I can see you smiling down on me but I cannot find you either.  Where are you?   You rarely come in my dreams and when you do you say you have to leave.  Please honey come more often to visit me because I need you so badly.  I hate the holidays and I don't understand because this was one of our favorite times.  I read so much to understand what death is like and maybe then I will accept it.  I ask God to give me strenght to continue and to please tell you that I love you and miss you so much.  I ask God to please grant me a wish and have you come to visit me for Christmas and I know it sounds insane but that is all I want for christmas.  Said had one of his anger episodes and decided to leave home.  I begged him not to but he decided he will leave so I let him go but I guess he did not expect me to that so he left but came back early in the morning.  He has been humble since then and has expressed how much he loves me and how much he misses you.  He said mom I miss dad so much he was my best friend and I don't know how to handle this pain.  Rosela cries a lot and has grown up so much.  She is starting to realize all the things you told her about making sure she finishes her education.  She is going back to school to get her nursing degree.  Said is also going back to school.  We miss you Carlos and it is hard without you.  I feel like my whole life has come to the point that I don't want to continue but at the same time I know that is not what you expect me to do.  I got a call from Eduardo that said that you gave him as message for me.  He said that you told him "tell Linda that I am okey", thank you Carlos for letting me know but I would have preferred for you to come and tell me in my dreams.  I have not brought any christmas presents for the kids.  I don't know what to give them.  I want to give them something special and it needs to include you.  I am planning to have us volunteer at a shelter or take a needy family and help them for the holidays in your name.  That is our gift to you and we love you.   Carlos why did you leave me?  Ask God to tell me why you had to leave?  I feel so alone and depressed without you.  Help me please I am going insane.  I am writing this letter and I am crying so much.  Today is so rough and it is due to so many things but most of all it is due to not having you hear with me.   I love you and want you back.  Please God do the miracle and give me back my husband.  You are so powerful and can make so many miracles then do this one for me.  Give me back my husband, Please God.   I am not suppose to question you or dare you God but I don't know what to do and how to continue.  Carlos, darling I love you and miss you so much.  I am going insane with this pain, lonliness, and sadness.  Help me Carlos.  I love you.