Mind swirling with thoughts....l.
My mind keeps swirling and I can't seem to bring myself to do much of anything...
I went to the basement and put dirty clothes in the washer, then remembered, and went back to put them in the dryer and put another load in the washer.
Standing on the basement floor made my foot hurt - being uncovered by the quilt makes most of the rest of me hurt, but I dare not turn up the heat. I can't afford to buy more heating oil.
Even here, it is going to be a long winter, whether or not my mother comes home, because of the money, yes, but because I am alone here - with just the girl, responsible for everything. She doesn't help at all with housework, and never has. Even when I was flat on my back for weeks at a time, I didn't get any help on that score, and once the pattern is set it is very hard to change.
Sometimes I really want to just get a small boarding room somewhere that I can live in by myself, but then I would be totally alone. I never have been - and while I don't want more responsibility for other people, I don't want to be totally alone in the world, and that is where I am headed.
I don't have any friends and my family is either drifting away or waiting to die. Both of my brothers are seriously ill and my mother is on the short list. Neither of my daughters are someone I would want to live with, especially not my older daughter, who seems to judge me inadequate on all scores, but if things don't change, I'm either in a small room by myself, or with one of them.
I can no longer take care of myself, so why are all these people expecting me to take care of them?
I'm going through the foreclosure, losing everything I own, or ever will own, and I'm so scared I can't stand it. As if the harrassment from the bank isn't bad enough, I am terrified that they will freeze my bank accounts and make my already intolerable life completely impossible. I can't afford a lawyer - I just can't afford anything. Just basic life expenses is more than I seem to be able to manage.
I've also had another assault by a psychiatrist regarding my daughter, who disregarded 6 years of history and medical records in favor of her "opinion", which was formed within a few minutes observing some rude behavior from the girl towards me, and could not be shaken - she wanted to put the girl into full time therapy which would include inhouse and outpatient sessions and take up a great deal of time, energy, and resources that I don't have to pull off.
Since the "diagnosis" she was determined to impose upon the girl was disproven and discredited 6 years ago, and every evaluation that I have had (every 2 years, plus ones at the school) has concluded a contradrictary opinion and I really, really did not like the tiny woman's attitude, I was able to recognize the issue before committing to her as a patient and walked out, but I was left shaken by it.
But I am shaken by everything that doesn't go my way, and nothing seems to be going my way these days. Another thing on my mind is that a great deal of personal property of mine, abandoned in Maine, is going to be in the hands of strangers, who are going to be pawing through it and possibly keeping some of it for themselves, or selling it and pocketing the money that should have been mine, had I known how to sell it myself. I'm not sure what I abandoned, either, but there are a few things that pop into my mind, from time to time, and I wish I had the resources to return for one more trip, but I do not.
I am not sure it would be worth it, any way, because a great deal of my personal property was ruined while in Maine. I want to be able to just let go and try to get over it and forget.
Wondering if that can ever happen!
I went to the basement and put dirty clothes in the washer, then remembered, and went back to put them in the dryer and put another load in the washer.
Standing on the basement floor made my foot hurt - being uncovered by the quilt makes most of the rest of me hurt, but I dare not turn up the heat. I can't afford to buy more heating oil.
Even here, it is going to be a long winter, whether or not my mother comes home, because of the money, yes, but because I am alone here - with just the girl, responsible for everything. She doesn't help at all with housework, and never has. Even when I was flat on my back for weeks at a time, I didn't get any help on that score, and once the pattern is set it is very hard to change.
Sometimes I really want to just get a small boarding room somewhere that I can live in by myself, but then I would be totally alone. I never have been - and while I don't want more responsibility for other people, I don't want to be totally alone in the world, and that is where I am headed.
I don't have any friends and my family is either drifting away or waiting to die. Both of my brothers are seriously ill and my mother is on the short list. Neither of my daughters are someone I would want to live with, especially not my older daughter, who seems to judge me inadequate on all scores, but if things don't change, I'm either in a small room by myself, or with one of them.
I can no longer take care of myself, so why are all these people expecting me to take care of them?
I'm going through the foreclosure, losing everything I own, or ever will own, and I'm so scared I can't stand it. As if the harrassment from the bank isn't bad enough, I am terrified that they will freeze my bank accounts and make my already intolerable life completely impossible. I can't afford a lawyer - I just can't afford anything. Just basic life expenses is more than I seem to be able to manage.
I've also had another assault by a psychiatrist regarding my daughter, who disregarded 6 years of history and medical records in favor of her "opinion", which was formed within a few minutes observing some rude behavior from the girl towards me, and could not be shaken - she wanted to put the girl into full time therapy which would include inhouse and outpatient sessions and take up a great deal of time, energy, and resources that I don't have to pull off.
Since the "diagnosis" she was determined to impose upon the girl was disproven and discredited 6 years ago, and every evaluation that I have had (every 2 years, plus ones at the school) has concluded a contradrictary opinion and I really, really did not like the tiny woman's attitude, I was able to recognize the issue before committing to her as a patient and walked out, but I was left shaken by it.
But I am shaken by everything that doesn't go my way, and nothing seems to be going my way these days. Another thing on my mind is that a great deal of personal property of mine, abandoned in Maine, is going to be in the hands of strangers, who are going to be pawing through it and possibly keeping some of it for themselves, or selling it and pocketing the money that should have been mine, had I known how to sell it myself. I'm not sure what I abandoned, either, but there are a few things that pop into my mind, from time to time, and I wish I had the resources to return for one more trip, but I do not.
I am not sure it would be worth it, any way, because a great deal of my personal property was ruined while in Maine. I want to be able to just let go and try to get over it and forget.
Wondering if that can ever happen!
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