Milestone and a miscalculation.

I think my wife made a big mistake in leaving me alone after the events of last wednesday.  My friend T, proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that she hates me, and is completely irrational about me.  And I accepted that there was nothing I could do to alter that fact.  That's a pretty big step for me.  If she honestly believes everything I say is a lie, and an attempt to manipulate her, and it is, in fact, not, then I am powerless to fix the relationship between us.  A couple of friends were acually calm and supportive as I endured the vitriol.  'This isn't going to get better.  Maybe you should leave.'  Still not respectful of my choice to attend, but concerned for my well being.  I've spoken with them once, since, and made it clear I'm still interested in having a relationship with them, when they were interested.  I don't know what they're thinking, or if they want to or not.  But it doesn't matter.  I've regained enough of me to know that either way, I'm still enduring.  I'll still stand strong.  I would like to hang out with them, but I don't need it.  Because I'm still freakin' awesome.  I make chain mail from scratch for fun!  Who does that?  Me.  Because I'm that awesome.And then my wife took the kids to DL.  Yeah, I wish to God I could be there with my kids right now.  Heck, just a vacation sounds wonderful.  There's still a fair amount of confusion in my head in search of a good balance of 'Work on the family' 'don't exclude my wife' 'Time with the kids for them' 'Time with the kids for me' and 'my wife wants me to work on the family' and 'my wife wants me to spend time with the kids.'  But all that aside... This weekend - and much of this week has been hell.  And I'm in a good mood through it.  Even without my meds.  My wife didn't care what it did to me, assuming it would hurt me.  I really don't think she expected me to be able to shrug off the blow, though.  Or that I'd marvel at my own strength to endure such a blow.  That's going to scare her.  And I'll endure the attacks of 'you don't care about the state of the marriage.'  Because they're not true.  I care more about it than she does.  I"m still hugely intimidated by the prospect of divorce.  But I am safe.  I moved out.  I can survive without her.  More than survive - I can enjoy life without her.  When the time comes that I decide I want a divorce (And I admit there's a strong sense of 'I need to get one' right now) I'll be able to step forward and pursue one.  Because that'll be something I want.  Because I'm wonderful.  Heck.  I'm so strong, it took the absolute and total betrayal of 4 of my best friends, on top of years of abuse, the loss of everything I had, everyone I knew, constant financial and car troubles, and the threat of losing every part of my life - past, present, and future - in order to make me SEE how strong I was.  It brought me right to the edge, I developed some pretty extreme coping mechanisms in order to bring it to a point where I could survive it, and the work isn't done yet.  Far from it.  Why did God allow all this to happen to me?  Make no mistake - nothing comes to me but through His hands.  He wept harder than I have at my suffering.  He did it for me.  So that I might learn the truth, as I had asked.  And the truth is, I'm incredible.   And I deserve so much better than what I've surrounded myself with.  (Cue thunder crash and ominous organ music.  They've still got to fly home, and then there's always more time in the hospital.  I do still have more to lose.  But I'll endure that loss as I've endured all the others.  Whining, overwhelmed, frantic, and totally ungracefully - and emerging, crawling out of the smoke and debris and ruin as the audience leaps to their feet and cheers that I've survived yet again.)  (And yes, the audience may only consist of one or two people, but Indy and Batman weren't awesome to please the audience.  They were just awesome.  As am I - look at the backstory I'm racking up!)*Note:  Awesome: inspiring a sense of Awe.  Wonderful: full of a quality which creates a sense of wonder.  Incredible:  Creating a sense of incredulity - the notion that something is too much to be believed.  Words of power.