MILESTONE
I had a wonderful therapy session yesterday afternoon. Thinking that I would be sobbing brokenheartedly I was surprised that only a few little tears welled up. Of course, we discussed the previous evening's argument, and she agreed that AH did provoke a fight after i walked away from the beginning of a manipulation. and he did push my buttons to escalate my responses and he did punish me with the silent treatment and and he did all of these things with his classic passive AGGRESSIVE blank stare approach. (PHEW ! run on sentence). We also discussed that his accusation that i am a closet psychopath who does not know how to live and let live in ANY situation was simply an anger response meant to hurt me since I called him on unacceptable behavior and walked away from the lies. When i got home he was VERY interested in how I represented him to my therapist and wanted to make sure she was aware of everything he has "gone through". I shared a little, he didn't like it.
Last night, my very wise son came in late and we sat together quietly for a bit. He said "Ma, I feel so much negativity coming from you, don't let it in.... when you are in the presence of someone so negative, just try to throw positivity at them and then: run (if possible).
I meditated quietly, went to sleep and when I awoke, it slowly dawned on me that I am okay. I, ME am okay. whether i stay, stay and lead a separate life or divorce ....I AM OKAY......It is truly time to let go of all control, responsibility and GUILT. If my AH wants a relationship with me, HE needs to do the work ALONE. I have been extending my hands filled with love and support and patience and understanding and commitment for a very long time.. I will store all that somewhere safe for when or if he asks. I will give some back to myself, as my own stores are depleted.
He still does not "get" any of it. His poor brain nerve receptor sites will take a long time to re-align with healthy chemicals if he lets them, i have no expectations.
SAD but as my beloved Babci (grandma) used to say "Ah, it is all in a lifetime" Amen, Babci.
Last night, my very wise son came in late and we sat together quietly for a bit. He said "Ma, I feel so much negativity coming from you, don't let it in.... when you are in the presence of someone so negative, just try to throw positivity at them and then: run (if possible).
I meditated quietly, went to sleep and when I awoke, it slowly dawned on me that I am okay. I, ME am okay. whether i stay, stay and lead a separate life or divorce ....I AM OKAY......It is truly time to let go of all control, responsibility and GUILT. If my AH wants a relationship with me, HE needs to do the work ALONE. I have been extending my hands filled with love and support and patience and understanding and commitment for a very long time.. I will store all that somewhere safe for when or if he asks. I will give some back to myself, as my own stores are depleted.
He still does not "get" any of it. His poor brain nerve receptor sites will take a long time to re-align with healthy chemicals if he lets them, i have no expectations.
SAD but as my beloved Babci (grandma) used to say "Ah, it is all in a lifetime" Amen, Babci.
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