Migraines and Student Loans
I feel like I'm in a spiral of things that make me sick, cause me pain, and keep me depressed. I fight daily headaches and if I don't treat them at first twinge, they become horrid migraines. How many pills can I take a day without destroying my liver, carving a hole in my stomach, or the other side effects of pain pills, high blood pressure pills, and cholesterol pills?
The phone rang at 8am enlightening me that I am behind on my student loans. I'm running out of options and I don't have $500 a month to pay a student loan that I took out 20 years ago. I can't work. Between chronic pain and depression, I'm a freaking mess. Add a kiddo with autism that won't let me go to the bathroom without him, let alone if I tried to get him into daycare or some other program... How the eff and I supposed to get and hold down a job?
Truth is if I didn't have my kids I probably would have died by now. No, this is not a suicidal rant, but that's how the pain gets to me. If I did not have my kids to take care of, I would stay in bed all day. If I did not have my kids I would have stopped trying for anything.
I have thought about seeking a disabled diagnosis due to migraine and depression. I've been dealing with these migraines since I was a teenager and they have gotten worse the older I get. I'm in pain all over my body from doing the stupid, simplest things. I know I should be able to just pull myself up and be what my kids and husband need me to be, and I hate myself because I cannot simply do it. The best thing for my son would be if I was regimented and kept a schedule, made healthy food every day and never gave him access to junk food. I let him be addicted to his iPad. I let my girls get away with not doing their chores because I'm too tired to fight.
Oh, get this. My DH started his "poor me" crap with me the other night. I know it's just a ploy for attention, but I feel like it's so effing wrong and a total mind screw. He playfully accused me of having a boyfriend, since he is neglecting me with his insane hours at work. Umm, WTF is that about?? First of all, I have the attitude of I will do what I have to do to support my husband emotionally, whether he works 40 hours or 80 hours a week. I do not take it as a personal affront that he is not here. He's working his ass off trying to support our family and I love and respect him for that. How does that translate to him acting as though I would cheat on him to get attention from someone else? Not hardly. Here's the thing. I have no desire for sex at all and it has nothing to do with my husband. I have chronic yeast problems and it makes sex hurt. I cannot even use a stupid tampon anymore because of the pain. It feels as though I have papercuts all over/around my private parts. It hurts to use the bathroom and wipe. So, yeah, I don't feel like having sex. Not only that, but when I get to that point that I have set aside my own discomfort for his emotional well being and have sex, the freaking meds I'm on stop me from orgasm. That bothers HIM. Umm, WTH?
I'm going over the edge sometimes when I examine just how effed up things get.
Yes, I have tried to address the yeast thing medically. I've been on so many prescriptions of anti-fungals it's laughable. I know that I feel better when I have absolutely no sugar and no bread/carbs. It does not take away the yeast completely, but it helps. However, I'm depressed and the worse I feel physically and mentally, the more likely I am to not cook and to go for the first fast fix I can get.
Wow, I am really a mess. The spiral goes around and around. If I examine things too closely, it will just make me angry and I don't want to feel angry. If I examine myself too closely I feel like a complete failure and I wonder why I keep trying. So, Prozac masks my disgust and feelings of sadness and anger, and I don't keep looking at myself. If I am selfish and focus on ME, I probably would be beyond redemption and the angriest person in the world.
So, what can I do about any of this BS today? I took Excedrin to take the edge off my pain. It's still there, covered with a veil. My shoulders and neck are so tight that I don't know how to relax my body. If I try to talk to my husband about anything of emotional consequence, I will be disappointed and angry. He's got his own pile of crap that bogs him down. No sense in getting upset with him for turning everything I say or do into a mess. He just wants to fix things with sex. If only I was wired that way! That's why when he suggested that I had a boyfriend I just lost my mind. No, sex does not cure what ails me. Sex is one more chore that I avoid. Now, would I love to have that spark of excitement and feel as though someone could desire me in spite of my madness? Hell yes. But I want to feel that excitement with my husband. I don't want to deal with yet another person! LOL
I write fictional romance stories sometimes and the man almost always sweeps the heroine off her feet by doing the things that SHE wants instead of expecting her to change. There is something romantic about a man who would do what I want, come to ME where I am, instead of my having to leave my desires and sense of what is right, in order to be where HE is. I know that when we first started dating, he did a lot more of coming to me, doing things I wanted to do. He did not complain about spending money. Now? Yeah right. Grocery shopping as our "date" really sucks.
This is not supposed to be about what my husband does right or wrong. He has many fine qualities and I love him. I don't know how he puts up with me and my bullshit sometimes. Except that I bend to him A LOT and I have been doing this for a long time.
Part of me wants to erase this whole entry.
I have spent a lot of time in my life avoiding drama, avoiding conflict, because I have enough mental stuff on my plate without adding unnecessary conflict. I only stand up to my husband if it's something I am passionate about. I'm not passionate about much anymore.
That's part of the depression. Who am I kidding, that is chronic pain and depression, and finding pleasure or enjoyment in practically anything feels impossible.
I can't write, I can't do research, I feel spiritually numb, too. It's probably my fault for that last one. I don't go to church like I should. I want to go all week and then Saturday or Sunday comes along and there's something stopping me. Usually that something is ME. I'm pissing myself off with my inactivity!
So, how do I fix any of it?
I took meds for my headache pain. I have pain in other parts of my body, but the headache has to be addressed first. I don't know what to do about the student loan situation. I'm never going to be able to pay it. That is a terrible feeling.
I always tell my friends and family to be kind to themselves. I tell them to do something nice for themselves when they're having a bad day. Why can't I follow my own advice? Something nice for me involves binging, which is not nice for me at all. OR it involves shopping, which clearly I do not have money to do. I have no energy or drive to do something "fun". What's fun, anyway?
Yeah, I feel like crap. I don't have anyone to turn to. My friends have worse pain than I do. My husband is depressed, too, and he can't fix me. Therapy would be money I don't have. I would love a script for something that would really calm me down and drown out the pain. I am afraid I would be addicted in a heartbeat. I've considered trying to self-medicate and I know that is WRONG. I just want to forget for a while.
DD
The phone rang at 8am enlightening me that I am behind on my student loans. I'm running out of options and I don't have $500 a month to pay a student loan that I took out 20 years ago. I can't work. Between chronic pain and depression, I'm a freaking mess. Add a kiddo with autism that won't let me go to the bathroom without him, let alone if I tried to get him into daycare or some other program... How the eff and I supposed to get and hold down a job?
Truth is if I didn't have my kids I probably would have died by now. No, this is not a suicidal rant, but that's how the pain gets to me. If I did not have my kids to take care of, I would stay in bed all day. If I did not have my kids I would have stopped trying for anything.
I have thought about seeking a disabled diagnosis due to migraine and depression. I've been dealing with these migraines since I was a teenager and they have gotten worse the older I get. I'm in pain all over my body from doing the stupid, simplest things. I know I should be able to just pull myself up and be what my kids and husband need me to be, and I hate myself because I cannot simply do it. The best thing for my son would be if I was regimented and kept a schedule, made healthy food every day and never gave him access to junk food. I let him be addicted to his iPad. I let my girls get away with not doing their chores because I'm too tired to fight.
Oh, get this. My DH started his "poor me" crap with me the other night. I know it's just a ploy for attention, but I feel like it's so effing wrong and a total mind screw. He playfully accused me of having a boyfriend, since he is neglecting me with his insane hours at work. Umm, WTF is that about?? First of all, I have the attitude of I will do what I have to do to support my husband emotionally, whether he works 40 hours or 80 hours a week. I do not take it as a personal affront that he is not here. He's working his ass off trying to support our family and I love and respect him for that. How does that translate to him acting as though I would cheat on him to get attention from someone else? Not hardly. Here's the thing. I have no desire for sex at all and it has nothing to do with my husband. I have chronic yeast problems and it makes sex hurt. I cannot even use a stupid tampon anymore because of the pain. It feels as though I have papercuts all over/around my private parts. It hurts to use the bathroom and wipe. So, yeah, I don't feel like having sex. Not only that, but when I get to that point that I have set aside my own discomfort for his emotional well being and have sex, the freaking meds I'm on stop me from orgasm. That bothers HIM. Umm, WTH?
I'm going over the edge sometimes when I examine just how effed up things get.
Yes, I have tried to address the yeast thing medically. I've been on so many prescriptions of anti-fungals it's laughable. I know that I feel better when I have absolutely no sugar and no bread/carbs. It does not take away the yeast completely, but it helps. However, I'm depressed and the worse I feel physically and mentally, the more likely I am to not cook and to go for the first fast fix I can get.
Wow, I am really a mess. The spiral goes around and around. If I examine things too closely, it will just make me angry and I don't want to feel angry. If I examine myself too closely I feel like a complete failure and I wonder why I keep trying. So, Prozac masks my disgust and feelings of sadness and anger, and I don't keep looking at myself. If I am selfish and focus on ME, I probably would be beyond redemption and the angriest person in the world.
So, what can I do about any of this BS today? I took Excedrin to take the edge off my pain. It's still there, covered with a veil. My shoulders and neck are so tight that I don't know how to relax my body. If I try to talk to my husband about anything of emotional consequence, I will be disappointed and angry. He's got his own pile of crap that bogs him down. No sense in getting upset with him for turning everything I say or do into a mess. He just wants to fix things with sex. If only I was wired that way! That's why when he suggested that I had a boyfriend I just lost my mind. No, sex does not cure what ails me. Sex is one more chore that I avoid. Now, would I love to have that spark of excitement and feel as though someone could desire me in spite of my madness? Hell yes. But I want to feel that excitement with my husband. I don't want to deal with yet another person! LOL
I write fictional romance stories sometimes and the man almost always sweeps the heroine off her feet by doing the things that SHE wants instead of expecting her to change. There is something romantic about a man who would do what I want, come to ME where I am, instead of my having to leave my desires and sense of what is right, in order to be where HE is. I know that when we first started dating, he did a lot more of coming to me, doing things I wanted to do. He did not complain about spending money. Now? Yeah right. Grocery shopping as our "date" really sucks.
This is not supposed to be about what my husband does right or wrong. He has many fine qualities and I love him. I don't know how he puts up with me and my bullshit sometimes. Except that I bend to him A LOT and I have been doing this for a long time.
Part of me wants to erase this whole entry.
I have spent a lot of time in my life avoiding drama, avoiding conflict, because I have enough mental stuff on my plate without adding unnecessary conflict. I only stand up to my husband if it's something I am passionate about. I'm not passionate about much anymore.
That's part of the depression. Who am I kidding, that is chronic pain and depression, and finding pleasure or enjoyment in practically anything feels impossible.
I can't write, I can't do research, I feel spiritually numb, too. It's probably my fault for that last one. I don't go to church like I should. I want to go all week and then Saturday or Sunday comes along and there's something stopping me. Usually that something is ME. I'm pissing myself off with my inactivity!
So, how do I fix any of it?
I took meds for my headache pain. I have pain in other parts of my body, but the headache has to be addressed first. I don't know what to do about the student loan situation. I'm never going to be able to pay it. That is a terrible feeling.
I always tell my friends and family to be kind to themselves. I tell them to do something nice for themselves when they're having a bad day. Why can't I follow my own advice? Something nice for me involves binging, which is not nice for me at all. OR it involves shopping, which clearly I do not have money to do. I have no energy or drive to do something "fun". What's fun, anyway?
Yeah, I feel like crap. I don't have anyone to turn to. My friends have worse pain than I do. My husband is depressed, too, and he can't fix me. Therapy would be money I don't have. I would love a script for something that would really calm me down and drown out the pain. I am afraid I would be addicted in a heartbeat. I've considered trying to self-medicate and I know that is WRONG. I just want to forget for a while.
DD
Replies
I know exactly how you feel. Most unfortunately we must put one foot in front of the other. I know about the collection agencies with student loans; \"Conserv\" is the worst. Google and research other options if possible. I cannot stand Conserv. If they do \"take out\" the funds, try government assitance like food stamps and other such things. We did during those horrible months with Conserv. I am gald that you are sticking to hubby and that you have the kids. ((((((((((((((Hugs)_)))))))))))))))) Cate
Thanks for the hugs. I have been beating myself up all week -- between mommy-guilt over not having the consistency in my son\'s life that he needs (okay, all my kids need) and physical pains and mental baggage, I\'m feeling pretty low. Knowing I\'m not alone helps. :-)