Mid-Life Reassessment

NOT mid-life crisis... I'm almost 44 years old.  It's been two years since my brother Mark died at the age of 40, and starting to get a bigger sense of what it all means...life, death, we're here...and then we're gone... Looking back, it's easy to see that Mark's and my relationship was a cordial, congenial one, where we got each other to laugh.  Then, when he was diagnosed with stage IV cancer and it became obvious to him and to myself that he might not be here much longer, it was very difficult to assess how we felt about each other.  Death was simply not an option for him in my mind, and I worked very hard to try and make him angry and stay in the fight for life.  He heaped the anger inward on himself, and kept eating himself alive about how he could've done things differently, which was not what I wanted  Now, in hindsight, I would've been more gentle, more loving, telling him "none of that matters now" and just spent some time crying with him and hugging him.  My heart always went out to him in love when he was alive and seemingly well, but we never discussed the inevitability of departing this world, because, in our thirties, we were still relatively young.  Looking into the serious void that was about to occur, or potentially might occur, it would've been interesting to have some philosophical discussions about that.   I did tell him if he departed this world I would miss him very much, and I think he bought that.  He told me he loved me in the hospital when he was in horrible pain, couldn't even move, and knew his time was short, and I told him I loved him too, so there is that.  This has affected my attitude towards every person I've come into contact with since.  When once I tried to "use" people to GET somewhere or something (survival instinct), now I realize WE are the destination, the pleasure.  We must enjoy each othe.  Having fun in the journey, the here and now, is more important than whether we've reached whatever finish line we've set for ourselves, in terms of money or fame or sexual gratification or whatever.  I suppose I've always known this, but one gets lost in the shuffle and mechanations of life and making a living, and needs to be reminded... Trying to meditate so I can get in touch with my brother's spirit in the hereafter without actually having to depart my physical body, a sort of "out-of-body" experience where one can hover for awhile and then call their spirit back into their body...stay tuned...  Hope y'guys are all well...