Mid-Day Entry
I normally do my journals at night, but today has been a good day so far and I wanted to get some things off my chest so to speak. I seem to have broken from the depression, at least for now. I spent some time today and last night trying to figure out what was making me depressed, and I got the answer back "Because you know what's coming." That could mean a couple things- I know summer is coming and hard times are coming with them, that Geo and I have to discuss things that we don't want to, or just in general that stress is coming. I don't deal with stress very well. I then "asked" myself what could I do to prevent it or help myself, and I got the response "do what needs to be done"- take my pills, go for walks, get out of bed and try and live my life.
I was also thinking about why summer is so hard. I got the idea that summer (I'm pretty sure it was August) was when I was "set free" in a way. I was raised in a *very* strict house (grounded for years at a time, no TV, phone, video games, etc) and then in 1996 my stepmom left my dad for a while and my dad got her to come back by releasing us from the strictness that he had ruled under before. So after that, my life changed. I could watch TV, go see friends, I even started talking to boys on the phone! (I was 13). That was the best summer of my life, the last summer before my life went to hell. I don't know why me being set free would trigger hallucinations, or maybe it's just the beginning of the end for me in a way. My dad killed himself that October. Maybe the whole August thing is my body saying "Hey, have fun (hallucinate). Things are just going to get worse from here!" I don't know. I've been trying to figure out what's behind the hallucinations in summer for years now, and this is the first breakthrough I've had on it. I don't know how it's a breakthrough, but I know that it is somehow.
So that's my mid-day entry. I lay in bed for a while trying to think of this stuff, and then took a walk and let my thoughts roam and came up with this. I think I should start going for longer walks if things like this can happen.
I was also thinking about why summer is so hard. I got the idea that summer (I'm pretty sure it was August) was when I was "set free" in a way. I was raised in a *very* strict house (grounded for years at a time, no TV, phone, video games, etc) and then in 1996 my stepmom left my dad for a while and my dad got her to come back by releasing us from the strictness that he had ruled under before. So after that, my life changed. I could watch TV, go see friends, I even started talking to boys on the phone! (I was 13). That was the best summer of my life, the last summer before my life went to hell. I don't know why me being set free would trigger hallucinations, or maybe it's just the beginning of the end for me in a way. My dad killed himself that October. Maybe the whole August thing is my body saying "Hey, have fun (hallucinate). Things are just going to get worse from here!" I don't know. I've been trying to figure out what's behind the hallucinations in summer for years now, and this is the first breakthrough I've had on it. I don't know how it's a breakthrough, but I know that it is somehow.
So that's my mid-day entry. I lay in bed for a while trying to think of this stuff, and then took a walk and let my thoughts roam and came up with this. I think I should start going for longer walks if things like this can happen.
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