Messiness of Life
I used to imagine that when I grew older (like ..I don't know...in my 80's) I would write an auto-biography titled "Feeling Groovy". A book in which I wrote about living my full life..with all it's messiness and happiness and landed Feelin' Groovy.
But this chapter of my life is simply....in the midst of messiness. I left my marriage of 25 years. I should have left over a decade ago. It was terribly emotionally abusive, sometimes physical. I turned to another man 4 years ago..it lasted 8 months. I confessed and went to counseling to see what on earth made this okay for me. I stayed in my marriage as it became more and more controlling. I felt tremendous guilt and believed that my chronically ill husband had become terminally ill. He insisted he was dying...with just enough kernels of truth from doctors to validate what he was telling me. I stayed...and did everything he wanted for I believed he was telling me the truth. He became more and more demanding and mean. I believed it was due to his illness.
Last year I learned his illness was a huge exaggeration. Yes. He still had a chronic illness...and a lot of untreated depression. He went from suicidal tendencies to homicidal. When I left, I left in fear for my life.
My children do not understand. They have been out of the house for a few years now (all in their late 20's). They cannot fathom that I would leave their dad in his depression and illness. They believe I had an affair with a man who is now my best friend and I happen to like. I am not ready for a relationship in any way, shape or form at this time in my life. But my friend is a good companion, who I spend about one weekend a month just hanging out with. Two of my children are not speaking to me. It hurts.
The accusations my ex-husband have made about me involve numerous affairs (not true..but that one I have to own up too), chronic lying (I have always been completely straightforward with everyone), and mental illness of numerous sorts. (BEcause I won't party with him and chose to study) We both made some bad choices. We both hurt eachother. I am not saying I am blameless in the loss of my marriage.
But in my day-to-day life? I run a teen center. I am trying to play catch-up after getting behind in my first year of law school. ( I gave myself about 3 months to just grieve, breathe and try to get back on my feet after my separation) I spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation and studying scripture. It is what I need at this time in my life.
When I fled my marriage, after spending a bit of time sleeping on an air-mattress in my 5 year old nephews floor, I was blessed with a small sanctuary.
I found a small barn converted into a cottage efficiency. It is nestled in the Tx. hill country, near a lake. It has many windows, a leaky roof, a college type fridge and a small oven that cooks like a dragon. (Insanely hot temperatures..still adjusting) But I am safe. I still have the luxury of being a law student (even if I am barely getting by), and I have a job I love. Mostly tho? For the first time in over a decade, I feel safe.
I work with a volunteer who has high-functioning autism. Brett (the volunteer) and I have worked together at the Teen Center for almost 7 years. He has become a treasured friend. He said to me..." you know. I think being divorce must feel like being fired from a job." I have thought about that often. I think my divorce feels from being fired from a job that I had come to dread. It still hurts. It still brings it's feelings of sadness for what could have been, but it is also a HUGE relief. I am no longer living someone elses life...I am claiming my own.
My biggest, deepest fears in life...like at the core are being selfish and being a disappointment. Nothing can make you feel more selfish and like a disappointment than leaving a 25 year marriage..or having your grown children refuse to speak to you. But I truly believe if I had stayed I would be..in the best case, absolutely crazy..and worst case..dead.
So here I am. Fumbling my way through the messiness of life. Today I am writing from a used arm-chair I found in a thrift store in my refurbished barn. My 5 year old nephew is streaming Christmas tinsel all over my house..and taping Christmas bells to my wall. We just enjoyed a nice "hot cocoa for breakfast". I have two puppies I rescued. No ..I don't normally rescue dogs..but here they are. We will be heading to church in about an hour. Tonight? I play guitar with a music ministry I am in to lead Los Posadas in our town. After returning Levi (my nephew) home...I will return to my legal studies for the evening.
Does it hurt to be at this place in my life? Where the people I most care about no longer speak to me? Absolutely. But I am learning to come to terms with where my life is today and now.
I read an article yesterday that asked two questions. Question one said "If your children never speak to you again how will you spend your life?" and question 2 asked.."If your children return in 5 years, in what state will they find you in?"
I spent some time on this and realized that what I want is my children to find me fully engaged in living..and living in Christ. It is the best gift I can give my children. It is the best gift I can give myself. For me..that means, being grateful for the gift of a home (leaky roof and all), two unruly puppies, a handfull of extended family, childhood friends, co-workers and a church family who accept me for who I am, a teen center with an amazing staff team, the gift of a post-graduate education, and the slowly developing friendship with a guy I happen to like.
Yes. There has been loss...tremendous loss..and the holidays are hard. I give myself time to grieve for these losses. I cry a lot. I sit and dream a lot. I study a lot.
I am learning to embrace the messiness that is my life today.
But this chapter of my life is simply....in the midst of messiness. I left my marriage of 25 years. I should have left over a decade ago. It was terribly emotionally abusive, sometimes physical. I turned to another man 4 years ago..it lasted 8 months. I confessed and went to counseling to see what on earth made this okay for me. I stayed in my marriage as it became more and more controlling. I felt tremendous guilt and believed that my chronically ill husband had become terminally ill. He insisted he was dying...with just enough kernels of truth from doctors to validate what he was telling me. I stayed...and did everything he wanted for I believed he was telling me the truth. He became more and more demanding and mean. I believed it was due to his illness.
Last year I learned his illness was a huge exaggeration. Yes. He still had a chronic illness...and a lot of untreated depression. He went from suicidal tendencies to homicidal. When I left, I left in fear for my life.
My children do not understand. They have been out of the house for a few years now (all in their late 20's). They cannot fathom that I would leave their dad in his depression and illness. They believe I had an affair with a man who is now my best friend and I happen to like. I am not ready for a relationship in any way, shape or form at this time in my life. But my friend is a good companion, who I spend about one weekend a month just hanging out with. Two of my children are not speaking to me. It hurts.
The accusations my ex-husband have made about me involve numerous affairs (not true..but that one I have to own up too), chronic lying (I have always been completely straightforward with everyone), and mental illness of numerous sorts. (BEcause I won't party with him and chose to study) We both made some bad choices. We both hurt eachother. I am not saying I am blameless in the loss of my marriage.
But in my day-to-day life? I run a teen center. I am trying to play catch-up after getting behind in my first year of law school. ( I gave myself about 3 months to just grieve, breathe and try to get back on my feet after my separation) I spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation and studying scripture. It is what I need at this time in my life.
When I fled my marriage, after spending a bit of time sleeping on an air-mattress in my 5 year old nephews floor, I was blessed with a small sanctuary.
I found a small barn converted into a cottage efficiency. It is nestled in the Tx. hill country, near a lake. It has many windows, a leaky roof, a college type fridge and a small oven that cooks like a dragon. (Insanely hot temperatures..still adjusting) But I am safe. I still have the luxury of being a law student (even if I am barely getting by), and I have a job I love. Mostly tho? For the first time in over a decade, I feel safe.
I work with a volunteer who has high-functioning autism. Brett (the volunteer) and I have worked together at the Teen Center for almost 7 years. He has become a treasured friend. He said to me..." you know. I think being divorce must feel like being fired from a job." I have thought about that often. I think my divorce feels from being fired from a job that I had come to dread. It still hurts. It still brings it's feelings of sadness for what could have been, but it is also a HUGE relief. I am no longer living someone elses life...I am claiming my own.
My biggest, deepest fears in life...like at the core are being selfish and being a disappointment. Nothing can make you feel more selfish and like a disappointment than leaving a 25 year marriage..or having your grown children refuse to speak to you. But I truly believe if I had stayed I would be..in the best case, absolutely crazy..and worst case..dead.
So here I am. Fumbling my way through the messiness of life. Today I am writing from a used arm-chair I found in a thrift store in my refurbished barn. My 5 year old nephew is streaming Christmas tinsel all over my house..and taping Christmas bells to my wall. We just enjoyed a nice "hot cocoa for breakfast". I have two puppies I rescued. No ..I don't normally rescue dogs..but here they are. We will be heading to church in about an hour. Tonight? I play guitar with a music ministry I am in to lead Los Posadas in our town. After returning Levi (my nephew) home...I will return to my legal studies for the evening.
Does it hurt to be at this place in my life? Where the people I most care about no longer speak to me? Absolutely. But I am learning to come to terms with where my life is today and now.
I read an article yesterday that asked two questions. Question one said "If your children never speak to you again how will you spend your life?" and question 2 asked.."If your children return in 5 years, in what state will they find you in?"
I spent some time on this and realized that what I want is my children to find me fully engaged in living..and living in Christ. It is the best gift I can give my children. It is the best gift I can give myself. For me..that means, being grateful for the gift of a home (leaky roof and all), two unruly puppies, a handfull of extended family, childhood friends, co-workers and a church family who accept me for who I am, a teen center with an amazing staff team, the gift of a post-graduate education, and the slowly developing friendship with a guy I happen to like.
Yes. There has been loss...tremendous loss..and the holidays are hard. I give myself time to grieve for these losses. I cry a lot. I sit and dream a lot. I study a lot.
I am learning to embrace the messiness that is my life today.
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