Messed up family
This is a complicated issue, but my family has always hated me. I think it was because my Mom went through a LOT after they had me...two stillborn babies and four miscarriages...then she had my brothers. Maids and nannies raised me and my parents wanted to pretend I didn't exist. Meanwhile, my brothers were the be-all and end-all of her world. My mom wanted more children, but after my 2nd brother, they could not conceive again.
When I was 18, I lost my innocence to a rape, which resulted in pregnancy. My parents were horrible to me about the rape...blamed me because I was up late watching "Return to OZ" in our house and the perp could see that I was awake...like it was my fault he kicked down the door to our home?!? Whatever. Anyway, I originally wanted to give the baby up for adoption because I thought he would look just like my rapist, and I didn't want to live with that image for the rest of my life.
My parents freaked out. Here was a baby that they could have! So, they set about trying to force me to let them raise the baby that I didn't want to have to look at. This was horrible. But, at my 6th month ultrasound, we saw the baby's face so perfectly, and poor little bugger looked just like me. LOL I had been feeling abandoned by God, but when I saw his face, I knew God wanted me to keep him and raise him. When I told my parents that I wanted to keep my son they were completely horrified, insulted and furious.
The spent the next 18 years telling my son that I was the most selfish and horrible person because they should have been his parents...and they had money (where I had to struggle and work several jobs at a time as a single mom with NO help or support)...and yadda yadda. They told him constantly how much better his life would have been if I had loved him enough to let them adopt him. In the meantime, I worked my butt off to put him through private school and give him everything I could. He had a Christian home with lots of love. I failed in plenty of ways, but nowhere NEAR as many ways as my folks did and I love them anyway! (Though they do not speak to me.)
Anyhow, when he turned 18, my son went to live with my parents...and NEVER TALKED TO US AGAIN. He is 21 and this was our FOURTH Thanksgiving without even a word from him. Horrible. Birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc go by without a word from him. We write and write...we send gifts...nothing. Yesterday, our 12 yr old wrote the most tear jerking message to him through FaceBook (he refused to "friend" us on FB, but she messaged him). She begged him to respond and said it breaks her heart that she writes and he never replies.
I guess we need to be prepared for what we ask for.
He wrote. He did not say, "Oh, Hi, Sis! I have missed you!" or "How are you?" or "How tall are you now?" As a matter of fact, he didn't even say "hello"....instead he launched into a horrific attack on my and my DH...telling my sweet DD that we are totally evil, horrible people who ruined our family...that I am totally selfish and that they best thing she can ever do for herself is to get away from us as soon as possible. He said he will never talk to us again as long as he lives. It was paragraph after paragraph of bile and lies and bizarre conclusions.
My DD thought my mother wrote it because it is the exact verbiage she uses when my DD used to see her. It wasn't my mother...my DS has just been drinking the KoolAid over there for nearly 4 years now...he is completely brainwashed. I've seen it happen. I used to be there. In retrospect, the single greatest parenting mistake I ever made was to allow my children to EVER be around my parents.
Nothing left to do but pray. Sadly though, it means my two boys are lost...one in Heaven...and the other here on Earth and living with evil incarnate...my mom. Sad. I love her. I love my son. I want our family reconciled, but it is not in my hands. So, we pray....and cry...and pray.
When I was 18, I lost my innocence to a rape, which resulted in pregnancy. My parents were horrible to me about the rape...blamed me because I was up late watching "Return to OZ" in our house and the perp could see that I was awake...like it was my fault he kicked down the door to our home?!? Whatever. Anyway, I originally wanted to give the baby up for adoption because I thought he would look just like my rapist, and I didn't want to live with that image for the rest of my life.
My parents freaked out. Here was a baby that they could have! So, they set about trying to force me to let them raise the baby that I didn't want to have to look at. This was horrible. But, at my 6th month ultrasound, we saw the baby's face so perfectly, and poor little bugger looked just like me. LOL I had been feeling abandoned by God, but when I saw his face, I knew God wanted me to keep him and raise him. When I told my parents that I wanted to keep my son they were completely horrified, insulted and furious.
The spent the next 18 years telling my son that I was the most selfish and horrible person because they should have been his parents...and they had money (where I had to struggle and work several jobs at a time as a single mom with NO help or support)...and yadda yadda. They told him constantly how much better his life would have been if I had loved him enough to let them adopt him. In the meantime, I worked my butt off to put him through private school and give him everything I could. He had a Christian home with lots of love. I failed in plenty of ways, but nowhere NEAR as many ways as my folks did and I love them anyway! (Though they do not speak to me.)
Anyhow, when he turned 18, my son went to live with my parents...and NEVER TALKED TO US AGAIN. He is 21 and this was our FOURTH Thanksgiving without even a word from him. Horrible. Birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc go by without a word from him. We write and write...we send gifts...nothing. Yesterday, our 12 yr old wrote the most tear jerking message to him through FaceBook (he refused to "friend" us on FB, but she messaged him). She begged him to respond and said it breaks her heart that she writes and he never replies.
I guess we need to be prepared for what we ask for.
He wrote. He did not say, "Oh, Hi, Sis! I have missed you!" or "How are you?" or "How tall are you now?" As a matter of fact, he didn't even say "hello"....instead he launched into a horrific attack on my and my DH...telling my sweet DD that we are totally evil, horrible people who ruined our family...that I am totally selfish and that they best thing she can ever do for herself is to get away from us as soon as possible. He said he will never talk to us again as long as he lives. It was paragraph after paragraph of bile and lies and bizarre conclusions.
My DD thought my mother wrote it because it is the exact verbiage she uses when my DD used to see her. It wasn't my mother...my DS has just been drinking the KoolAid over there for nearly 4 years now...he is completely brainwashed. I've seen it happen. I used to be there. In retrospect, the single greatest parenting mistake I ever made was to allow my children to EVER be around my parents.
Nothing left to do but pray. Sadly though, it means my two boys are lost...one in Heaven...and the other here on Earth and living with evil incarnate...my mom. Sad. I love her. I love my son. I want our family reconciled, but it is not in my hands. So, we pray....and cry...and pray.
Replies
Katrina, I remember speaking of your son and your mother once before. And the way you described your mother...I am not surprised she has done tis to your son. I am so sorry that you and DD had to see that he thinks those things. That must be really hard. All we can do at this point is pray for him. That he will see the truth someday.
I agree with crystal, and for you it may seem odd but please do not stop reaching out to him, one day your parents will be gone, and he will need you, you as his parent need to be there for him no matter what. i wouldnt let my child message him anymore or maybe dont even tell her u still reach out to him, but keep giving the bday, christmas cards and maybe just maybe your prayers will be heard and he will realize you arent in the wrong here.good luck *hugs*
I love you and am so sorry ... I can only imagine this pain. I again, love you.
I\'m so sorry. There aren\'t any words....
Thank you guys for the comments and advice. I am praying about the best way to stay in touch with my son without my parents poisoning everything we write or send. It is very tricky. I have started just journalling letters to him in a nice book that maybe we could give him if he ever comes back into our lives? And, in the meantime, maybe just write on holidays and let him know where we are (if we move) and how to reach us? I\'ll tell him in the Christmas card that I am writing in a journal for him and whenever he is ready to be back in our lives, I will give it to him? I just want him to know that just because he doesn\'t get an influx of mail doesn\'t mean he is forgotten. I know how my parents work though...if I write, they use every word as a launching pad for more poison...it is probably better if we minimize contact. I\'m not sure. Praying for wisdom on this. I deeply regret letting my parents ever be in his life. It just took me too long to understand how much they hated me and what they were doing. We all want to believe our parents love us...it is natural. It took years of friends and people who DO love me to help me see how they were always doing cruel things to me and poisoning my children. I was so naive and trusting.
Wow is all I can immediately think of to say. And I thought my family story was off the wall. I am so sorry that your parents are how they are. My family may be crazy but my mom has always been a rock in my life and always has my best interests at heart. I can see that now although at times I have thought she was controlling and mean. But, it doens\'t even compare to what you have lived through. All you can do is let go. When my DH was growing up one of his friend\'s father said this to them one day and I think it definitely applies in your situation, as christians and humans it is in our nature to try and fix everyone, there are some people that are just broke and can\'t be fixed no matter how hard we try. Sounds like your parents and son are just broke and not going to be fixed by you no matter how hard you try or wish them to. I agree 100% all you can do is pray that one day perhaps someone or something will make them wake up and see what a horrible mistake they have made by excluding you from their lives and the injustice they have done to you and your DH with their hatred and selfishness. This definitely sounds like one of those problems that needs to be placed in God\'s inbox. This is not your problem/work to handle and correct. Give it to Him and do his work by living life to it\'s fullest and not stressing and worrying about things that you can\'t fix. I hope and pray that you and your family have a happy and loving holiday season. XO :)
so sorry to hear all that you have been through. It just adds to the weight of the loss of your baby boy. I pray that your son will come to realize how wonderful of a mom you truly are and will embrace you guys as his family. I pray his eyes will be open to the truth. Hope your daughter is getting better too! take care.