mental health day today

I'm exhausted today. I called in sick. I haven't slept well for weeks, and while I love my students, the demands and expectations at this high caliber high school are so strenuous, I've been completely wiped out...

I should tell you all something -- I'll make it as short as possible. On August 4, 2012, I eloped with my husband, Matt, on a beach near us. I had told my parents about a month before our elopement, so that it would not be a complete shock to them. I even invited them to come.
I am the only girl with 3 brothers, and was raised by a loving, generous, but very rigidly Catholic mom and dad (my dad less rigid, but diagnosed with severe depression). 
That said, upon hearing about my plans to elope, my entire family cut me off. No communication, nothing. The reasons? There are many: I didn't know Matt that long, his education level was not the same as mine, his job was not good enough, I was their only daughter and my father wanted to walk my down a proper aisle in a church....the list goes on and on as to what I "did to them."
I've apologized a million times for the pain I caused them, begged their forgiveness, cried a thousand tears in front of them. My father, whose birthday is on December 7th, refuses to speak to me. So does my youngest brother, Greg. So I haven't seen or spoken to them in about a year or over that now. With my older brothers, we text message occasionally, and my mother...well, she's been the only one to attempt to make contact. I see her every few months for a painful lunch. We used to be very close. So close to the point that it wasn't healthy, and I wasn't allowed to grow up and be my own adult. But I miss her very much. My mom and I talk on the phone about once a week, text message occasionally. But it's not nearly the same.
And so...there's Matt and me. I love him, but sometimes...I don't know. We're either laughing together constantly and chatting about everything, or we're miles apart emotionally, and I feel incredibly alone. I worry sometimes that I made a mistake in marrying him so quickly. He has given me everything, been so generous and hardworking in so many ways, and I love him so much. But his moods? They alienate me. They make me feel like an island. Completely alone, without family, friends, or Juno, my beloved pet...and so much more than a pet....

Juno, my dear, sweet cat, was with me through all of this and so much more. 15 years of a long struggle with depression, bad roommates and apartments, a broken engagement (I was with someone for 5 years and he called off the "big wedding" 8 weeks before due to cold feet - this was back in 2004)...anyway, I miss my cat every day. I take comfort in Ziggy and Marley - especially Ziggy, who is extremely affectionate and sweet and has the cutest chubby belly. 

But it's not the same. I'm crying now as I write this. I am alone. My husband gets annoyed when I mention that I am sad over Juno, so I try to stop bringing it up. I pray every night for Juno. I try to practice gratitude for the 15 years that he was by my side. His death has affected me more than I ever could have imagined.

I see a pyschiatrist 2 times a month, and I've been on anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds for years now. It helps to talk to her, but not much these days.

As the holidays approach...I miss my family, dysfunctional as they are, I miss Juno immensely...I feel very, very alone. I have few friends. Hardly any. Work takes up much of my time. I'm a dedicated teacher and on some days, it's only the thought of my sweet, smart, funny students that gets me out of bed and into work.

That's all for now, I guess. But that's my short version of my back story. Today, on my "day off," I slept longer than I have in a long time, and that felt good. I see my pyschiatrist later today. I plan to buy my father a birthday card and mail it, go home, maybe read some fashion magazines or watch a movie, relax before my meeting and another hectic day at work.

Thank for reading...and listening and being there. This website has already helped me out so much. I don't know how to end this. Say a prayer for me today. I need it.
Kristin