Mental Collapse
It's Good Friday. I've been out of the "severe relapse" mode since late February but I'm so nervous that any amount of physical exertion or stress will plunge me back. The relapses are nightmares, awake in my bed almost all day suffering physically and mentally, day after day not knowing when it will end.(Last time at least 2.5 months)
It seems I have enough positive will to get through most days lately, but from an outsider, they wouldn't see the constant panic, anxiety, and horrible physical symptoms I endure even when I'm in "remission".
During the relapse I have the patience of an axe murderer. During the remission most of the time I am extremely irritable, always congratulating myself for everyhour I didn't feel like losing it.
It feels like physical and mental illness at the same time. Having raised a child for most of my adult life and having relatives around, who,are now gone, holidays are always something I plan for, even if it's a small outing I can handle.Mentally it is survival for me. Luckily I have a few friends who are sometimes available (even though 80% of my lifetime friends disappeared), I'm thankful my husband of 9 years has agreed to do something on every long weekend, because he has the time and energy not working.
This morning I started my 4 day weekend (my theatre group is not mtg Mon due to holiday) looking forward to our agreed upon outing on Saturday. Apparently he never remembered agreeing to it and although a kind person, cannot for the life of him say "I'm sorry" and makes it feel like its my fault.
I had also tried to invite friends to join us, he didn't seem to care and complained that I was laying into him. He does alot of important stuff for us (like groceries, taxes, etc..) so I have to just suck it up.
Not having a place to go is like DEATH to me! Now I feel like an alien, that maybe the DS friends will also feel thisway. I cannot handle this illness unless I plan a trip to the cafe, library or even just down to the condo clubhouse. I go into a panic/claustrophobia attack and somehow my body/mind intuitively know this. I am way past stopping when I feel unwell . I started feeling sick and overwhelmed when I was about 13 yrs old.
Presently, if I have to stay home for 2 days say, or even one afternoon (the time I usually go out) I have so much trouble moving around doing ANYTHING. The distress of being out is EASIER! Severe Pots, heart palpitations, weakness, can't bend or reach, can't concentrate on anything, and filledwith so many emotions, anger, frustration, grief, etc.. My main emotion at this point is to burst, get violent, throw something across the room, a very physical and strong burst. So it's easier to go out!
It is exhausting being this distressed ALL the time! I found a Good Friday service on my computer, gave a cursory goodbye and went there. Tears were welling in my eyes, as I sat with strangers. I have lost all my relatives and my only child. I have lost my health, my career and all the hard fought for failings filled my mind. 10 relationships where I was dumped ((For 1 I was the "dumper") 9 years of school to support my daughter and give us a good life. Another 9 years of job hunting, the cfs always worsening with the strain.
A few minimal part time jobs and the dream was over.
I sat on the curb of the alien church and ate chips and peanuts from my car with water. I was too weak to get anything else but starving. Now my appetite is going up---oh great!! Does anybody know how mad that makes me!! Cycles of Gastrits that last 2 months and I can't eat anything - no explanation except cfs. Will I ever be able to express the anger of being so sick!
I was sobbing while my husband spent his typical "weekend day" busy until we have dinner 7:30/8:00pm
Would people consider me ungrateful for being so mad? At least we enjoy the evening and he supports me. But he works long hours and is an introvert. We would never see anyone if it wasn't for my constant attempts to connect with people. Before I got off the curb I felt suicidal. And crying makes my symptoms worse and just getting upset can plunge me into days if not weeks of even WORSE health, how can I survive that?
Live hit rock bottom today. I know it will probably improve, but today the pain is so real.
,
It seems I have enough positive will to get through most days lately, but from an outsider, they wouldn't see the constant panic, anxiety, and horrible physical symptoms I endure even when I'm in "remission".
During the relapse I have the patience of an axe murderer. During the remission most of the time I am extremely irritable, always congratulating myself for everyhour I didn't feel like losing it.
It feels like physical and mental illness at the same time. Having raised a child for most of my adult life and having relatives around, who,are now gone, holidays are always something I plan for, even if it's a small outing I can handle.Mentally it is survival for me. Luckily I have a few friends who are sometimes available (even though 80% of my lifetime friends disappeared), I'm thankful my husband of 9 years has agreed to do something on every long weekend, because he has the time and energy not working.
This morning I started my 4 day weekend (my theatre group is not mtg Mon due to holiday) looking forward to our agreed upon outing on Saturday. Apparently he never remembered agreeing to it and although a kind person, cannot for the life of him say "I'm sorry" and makes it feel like its my fault.
I had also tried to invite friends to join us, he didn't seem to care and complained that I was laying into him. He does alot of important stuff for us (like groceries, taxes, etc..) so I have to just suck it up.
Not having a place to go is like DEATH to me! Now I feel like an alien, that maybe the DS friends will also feel thisway. I cannot handle this illness unless I plan a trip to the cafe, library or even just down to the condo clubhouse. I go into a panic/claustrophobia attack and somehow my body/mind intuitively know this. I am way past stopping when I feel unwell . I started feeling sick and overwhelmed when I was about 13 yrs old.
Presently, if I have to stay home for 2 days say, or even one afternoon (the time I usually go out) I have so much trouble moving around doing ANYTHING. The distress of being out is EASIER! Severe Pots, heart palpitations, weakness, can't bend or reach, can't concentrate on anything, and filledwith so many emotions, anger, frustration, grief, etc.. My main emotion at this point is to burst, get violent, throw something across the room, a very physical and strong burst. So it's easier to go out!
It is exhausting being this distressed ALL the time! I found a Good Friday service on my computer, gave a cursory goodbye and went there. Tears were welling in my eyes, as I sat with strangers. I have lost all my relatives and my only child. I have lost my health, my career and all the hard fought for failings filled my mind. 10 relationships where I was dumped ((For 1 I was the "dumper") 9 years of school to support my daughter and give us a good life. Another 9 years of job hunting, the cfs always worsening with the strain.
A few minimal part time jobs and the dream was over.
I sat on the curb of the alien church and ate chips and peanuts from my car with water. I was too weak to get anything else but starving. Now my appetite is going up---oh great!! Does anybody know how mad that makes me!! Cycles of Gastrits that last 2 months and I can't eat anything - no explanation except cfs. Will I ever be able to express the anger of being so sick!
I was sobbing while my husband spent his typical "weekend day" busy until we have dinner 7:30/8:00pm
Would people consider me ungrateful for being so mad? At least we enjoy the evening and he supports me. But he works long hours and is an introvert. We would never see anyone if it wasn't for my constant attempts to connect with people. Before I got off the curb I felt suicidal. And crying makes my symptoms worse and just getting upset can plunge me into days if not weeks of even WORSE health, how can I survive that?
Live hit rock bottom today. I know it will probably improve, but today the pain is so real.
,
Replies
Don\'t give up. Have you tried sublingual methylcobalamine (vitamin B12 in highly absorbable, effective form)? It is much more effective than traditional B12 usually sold at Walgreens.
I use Jarrow brand, because its got the highest concentration of it. H2 blockers and PPIs prevent B12 absorption. I am on Zantac so I have to supplement with B12 this way.
B12 is the \"energy vitamin\" and it\'s very hard to overdose on. Give it a shot.
http://www.amazon.com/Jarrow-Formulas-Methylcobalamin-5000mcg-Lozenges/dp/B0013OQGO6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397883832&sr=8-1
Hi there dear pouty, so sorry for your frustration and struggle with this illness.I really understand your need to get out and connect with people and life.I don\'t handle being housebound very well either, you start to feel like you\'re in a prison and going mental . I\'m also quite extroverted and need contact with live people.Also by staying alone I tend to focus more on my illness, so I need distractions and being around people and also nature is very uplifting for me.Sometimes I feel angry also, mainly at my body because it cannot take me to where I want to be.However these emotions are detrimental to our healing, they just drain our energy more.At least you do have your husband there to help, although you are different, having a companion is a blessing pouty.Today I went to the fruit market with my husband just to get out.He rushed around very quickly buying fruit and then said let\'s go home.I just couldn\'t face it, so I told him to drop me off at the esplanade for an hour an a half by myself.He was really worried about leaving me alone, but I convinced him to do so.There was a craft market on and I managed to get through it and then sat on the grass against a tree until he returned.It made a huge difference to my day.I understand your tears and your feelings of loss, I am sad in my heart for you.Try to count your blessings, no matter how small and focus on the positive . It\'s not easy but there is no other solution for us to survive my friend.Next week my husband is having heart surgery and somehow I have to turn my fear into positive thinking.Hang in there pouty, try to feel calm, don\'t be too hard on yourself.I am here to listen anytime you need me.Love and best wishes xoxo
This was a good vent, Pouty! You DO have a lot of confusion and disappointment going on right now. So many of us have these complications with our emotions! The CFS surely depresses us. The lonliness and loss of friendships is really hard on us. People don\'t understand the AMOUNT of loss we have.
You are a parent! You know what love is. You have a husband, so you know how to have a relationship that is not selfish. I am so glad he helps you get things done at home! I have a wonderful husband and know that I am blessed with that gift! He will take me anywhere I want to go. He is home, retired, and we have each day to spend together. He is very supportive of me with CFS. He understands it and attends my doctor\'s appointments with me. He is my rock. He is my shoulder to cry on during crashes.
I, too, have been having longer than normal UPS and DOWNS. This remission I\'m in now is actually scaring me. It\'s lasting longer than usual. I\'m having bad DAYS, not bad weeks/months. CFS is changing on us constantly.
You say that having nowhere to go is horrible for you. I\'m quite the opposite. I really just want to be left alone. I love to go out, when I\'m feeling well. I like to socialize, but have so much trouble with overstimulation of noise and light and sound, that I\'m afraid people would ALL notice that. It would embarrass me. I\'m a very social person, but have become somewhat more of a recluse than I ever thought I would be. I need it to be that way. I can\'t handle much anymore.
I do hope you get to go out more. I hope that you can get more understanding from your hubby!!!!
This was a good journal, Pouty!! Write, write write!! Your friends are here for you to share. We help each other so much!!
Thankyou all for your kind comments! Today I am not upset and hubby and I seemed to have cleared the air .I am amazed at how upset I can be one day and change the next! I am learning to embrace the emotions more and not freak out so much, but easier said then done. I am so lucky to have your support, I love you all!
Pouty, It sounds like you\'ve had so much to deal with for so long. I think it\'s great you have still put one foot in front of the other every day for years - and staying vital as a person through such things as your theater group. I\'m glad to see that by the time I read your entry things were a little better with your husband. I can totally relate to your issues with him - my husband also works a lot, and when he\'s off he wants to spend doing the things he enjoys, which don\'t usually include me. But, he\'s patient with my limitations, tries to gets me out of the house when he can,......So I feel guilty when I\'m upset with him because he doesn\'t do more. I hope you are still able to see a counselor to process all that has happened in your past - especially regarding your daughter.
Pouty, hi, I am glad to see you are doing somewhat better than your journal entry. Sounds like you are still going through the mourning process that we have to go through when dealing with a chronic illness. It is quite easy to be stuck in the anger stage & not so easy to go on to the acceptance stage. We can loop back around to the sadness stage & then go into anger again & again. Start counting your blessing & seeing what is good in your life. Believe me I know how hard that is especially when I am depressed.
I am so happy you have your husband to lean on, that is one of your blessings. I wish my husband was still here, he died 4 years ago unexpectedly. He left a big hole in my heart & life but my faith has seen me through & knowing I will see him again is what keeps me going. It is great you guys have cleared the air.
Always know that I think of you often & wonder how you are doing. I love to see you post so I know one way or the other. You are in my prayers. Many gentle hugs, Denise