Memory of Tamzin's 1st drive without me

Hello  I wrote this in response to seeing your photo (djlchill)of your son Chris with his car. The first time Tamzin drove my car without me was at 4am in Sydney when he was about 19 or 20. He'd had an emergency call from his work at the inner city Sydney Woolworths store where Tam was in charge of Security at that time. So he had to get in there fast to check why the fire alarms were going and sprinklers had been all set off. At that time, about 1997(he was still doing his Uni Degree as well) Tamzin, Nat & I were living in a little flat, about a half hour drive from the centre of Sydney.
That night little Nat then only 4, was fast asleep in bed and so there was no choice- I could not go with Tam. I had to let him take my car for the 1st time. So I watched from the kitchen window paralysed & crying, as he drove the car out and I couldn't move from that spot til he returned an hour or so later. I was so scared and cried the whole time.
But he survived that drive and others after. It helps when they come home safe. I was always afraid of Tam being hurt, but then he got diagnosed with cancer at 22, so we just have to hope they survive longer than us. I hope it wasn't wrong that I wrote that last bit in.
Now my Nat is 17 and driving as a learner so I can still sit beside him but it wont be long til I have to face the same sickening fear when he drives without me there. By the way-I miss Tamzin as much as ever - time hasn't made any difference to that- if anything I feel even more ripped off for him especially (& for Nat & I losing him).
Flat out tho now trying to keep up with Nat..

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

What a handsome young man,I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my son 10mths. ago and I don\'t know if I will ever feel any happiness like before.It\'s like for me he\'s been gone on a long trip and now I want him home.Again I am so very sorry,Laura
TamzinsMum
TamzinsMum

I have felt exactly both of those feelings too Laura. I have felt no deep happiness ever since Tamzin died -a numbness instead, but not numb enough to avoid feeling cynical or angry & resentful of life. It has sometimes been mild, luckily cos I always have to hide it - except I do express my fury to my parents..poor them... Other times my hurt has been overwhelming. Time hasn\'t made it any easier. But everyone expects it should. About feeling like your son is \'away\'...I have always felt like Tamzin has been \'away\' too long right from the start. Ten years this July 20th. Why are we supposed to be ok ever? How can we be, when our babies- big or little, have been taken away no matter how? I have had dreams of Tamzin and I have always written them down, even the bad ones... & I love dreams of him...apart from that, the best we can hope for I guess is maybe of being in their presence again if that happens....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you for sharing this wonderful, yet scary story about first time drivers. It\'s been a while for you watching Tam drive away from you, but only a month for me. The driving alone fear has gotten better for me, but of course the crushing pain of the loss of our children will never go away. As many times as we laugh, smile, or have happy moments, there will always be something missing, won\'t there? But I\'ve had to force myself to stop feeling guilty when I do laugh, smile, and have happy moments. We all do, at some point. I, like yourself, can only wait for that wonderful reunion (if that\'s what you believe) with our children and family we have lost along the way. Love you lots, my friend. Debbie
ForMomsOnly
ForMomsOnly

I understand your worries about Nat. My 18 year old has just begun to drive alone and I am a lunatic most of the time fearing the worst will happen again. Please tell us about Tamzin and we will share our children with you, too. With love - Barbara/EvansMom
TamzinsMum
TamzinsMum

Thank you I will tell about Tamzin. It is taking me a long while to get enough time to read all the comments & understand how to reply & all the different parts of DS. I appreciate it very much tho..... & everyone here.
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

Corrie started talking about getting her driver\'s license when she was 13. In the State of Washington where we were living at the time she could get a learner\'s permit at 15 1/2 and, believe me, she got that permit the instant she could ~ on October 6, 2003. We had two stick shift cars so a lot of the early lessons were very bumpy to say the least!

I know the paralyzing fear you speak of and, sadly, my fears were realized on a number of occasions when she had accidents (nothing serious) and got stopped for speeding. She finally had an accident that shook her up so badly that she mostly stopped driving literally for the rest of her life (December 2005 - July 2009). I imagine she eventually would have gotten more comfortable driving again but she never had the chance...

Good luck with the lessons for Nat. I feel your anxiety about the lessons and continued pain and sadness at losing Tamzin way too early.

Sending much love and tight hugs ~ Debbie