Memories of Anxiety Summary

Hello All,

Just wanted to check in and open up a bit and see if any of you can give me some resources or suggestions. Any advice or experiences that may be similar? I plan on writing journals about my past. About the things I went through and describe as much as possible. This one will only be an unfinished summary of my story. My life. My struggle with anxiety. 

So let me start by telling you a bit about me. My name is Ramón, I am 28 years old. I was born and raised in a small rural town called El Trapiche (The Sugar Cane Mill) I started having anxiety from what I recall at a very young age. I remember having problems when I was in kindergarten. I would get dropped off crying, I would feel my stomach turn and feel very nervous. I would feel like I was way too in my own mind. Like I could not focus on the moment but instead be worried or thinking about what other people were doing while I was in school. I imagined my mom going through the day or my brothers playing and doing things without me. I am the 3rd of 4 boys by the way. So I would imagine my little brother with my mom or my older brothers in the elementray school next door. I would feel very scared at times and like I was wasting my time. I felt like life was being wasted and like I was trapped in this place. I felt anxiety and an urge to get the school day over with. 

At one point it would get so bad that I would run out of the classroom and be in the restroom just having those nervous poops lol. I laugh a bit because I still get those nervous poops and as soon as I release I feel a bit more relieved. Matter of fact I was writing this while I was in the toilet. Anyways there was this one time that my aunt was visiting from out of town and I was so damn anxious that I escaped from kinder and ran for my life. I ended up running all the way to one of my aunt's house where my out of town aunt was staying. Now they allowed me to stay there that day, they went to the kinder and let them know I would be staying with them that day. The next day I came to school I was so damn nervous and stayed that way almost all week. My mom would drop me off and I would feel like crying, I would feel this sunken feeling in my stomach that was so hard to over come that I just could not even eat breakfast. 

Well a couple of days past and my mom felt like my nervousness was getting too out of control. My mom and aunt took me to this place to get a massage and after the massage I remember the people then taped some mustard seeds on my earlobes. Now I don't know if this was a placebo kind of thing but I felt no anxiety after that moment. I would go to school and not feel nervous. I remember even the teachers were surprised there was such a change in my attitude. So months went by and I felt no signs of nerves or anxiety. I felt like I could focus on the lessons. I then went to first grade and felt a little nervous on the first days and it went on and on with no real signs of anything that resembled anxiety. When I was 9 we came to the U.S. and I knew nothing about the country or the language or the culture. Well I got super nervous then, I felt alone and I felt very uneasy. I then saw the first white, blonde man I had seen in real life, the other time I had seen a blond male like that was in the Home Alone movie and I thought tall white males were all kidnappers. I would feel that nervousness again that fear, my stomach would hurt and I could not eat. I could not focus and the days felt long, I would shake and just start crying. I felt hopeless. I felt scared. I felt alone and insecure. 

Months passed and I felt super anxious most of the time. I hated being where I was, I hated how cold it was, how dead it felt. The lack of color or people that were loving. I felt like I didn't know my neighbors. It was a huge change from the small town I was born in. I was in a place where I felt so nervous that I almost could not sleep. I HATED being there and I almost never saw my parents. I lived pretty much with my grandparents and my little brother. I remember these days and it makes me sad for some reason. After 8 months of being there we ended up moving to Arizona and I loved it here. There was sunlight and people were nicer and there were kids outside and life felt better here and anxiety left.