Memorial Day Weekend

I’m writing because I really want to call my therapist and leave a message of what’s been happening today but I can’t.  She said I can call if I have to when I’m on the trip but I don’t want to now – before.  She’s leaving tomorrow for her vacation to see her husband’s family and I really do want to wish her a good trip and tell her how much she deserves this get-away.  She’s been through so much with her cancer these past months and I really admired her for that.  But I can’t call.  Today my middle son and I went to my grandson’s Variety/Talent show at his school - Kindergarten.  He got all his cars and trucks and vehicles out and made sound effects.  Many of the kids got too scared when they got up there and didn’t do their thing but he did and I was very proud of him.  I got it on tape so my daughter can see later.  It was cool for my son because it was the elementary school he also went to and we got to see the principal and walk around and look at old pictures and such.  Great reminiscing because all my kids went there but it’s sad because my daughter may be moving to a different school district next year.  Then my son and I came home and later went to lunch and a walk in a park.  Then we went to the community center where he went to Day Care and Camp and lots of other things.  They put on a brand new main facility and we took a tour.  It turned out our tour guide was married to a girl he grew up with since grade school.  Small world!  Then I came home and got an email that my grade school is having a reunion in about a month or so.  Nostalgia Day!  We came home and just hung out together and talked another couple hours before he left.  Very nice!  I feel for him so much being unemployed right now and hope he gets something very soon.  Like many – nothing is on the horizon.  My daughter’s ex is really giving her problems again and she called to keep me posted and said she’ll be able to come with us and our friends to an event we are having on Sunday.  She is good about keeping me posted on things.  But sometimes when she calls with problems she talks & talks & talks & talks and I listen & listen & listen & listen – a lot!  But we all have to be there for each other – right?  Right.  I got to missing my son who moved far away so on a whim I called him.  He was actually nice (sometimes he’s not) but we didn’t talk very long because his phone kept cutting out.  He said he’d call me another time – another day.  I went for a walk around the neighborhood tonight and ran into my cousin and his girlfriend.  We hugged, talked, they are always so nice.  And, they are so interested in what’s going on in my life and that feels good because sometimes I feel like no one is.  At least my close family.  They’re so into themselves and don’t care about me.  My cousin said how good, how nice I looked.  I just had little shorts on and a shirt.  His girlfriend told me she thought I was her neighbor’s teenage daughter.  That was really nice.  I do look a lot younger than I am.  I get mistaken all the time for my grandson’s Mom – not Nana.  And, today the people at the community center thought my son & I were a couple.  I have to feel good about those things.  I’m copping out on Monday.  It’s Memorial Day and I’m so afraid to be around my kids – especially the little ones – in case they have colds or such.  I have to be so careful because of my trip.  I’m the only one driving such long distances (I am doing all the driving) and I have to feel my best.  I pray to God he keeps me well.  So instead my husband and I are getting away somewhere to drive and maybe go to some park or something.  We usually go to a smaller city and go to the Mall but I don’t want to do that.  I may go to little stores this weekend and next week but I don’t want to chance the Mall.  I know – I’m a little crazy about this.  But I just can’t get anything.  And, we are seeing the kids – including the little kids – on Sunday.  I’ll just have to tell them I can’t get close to them like always.  Especially my little granddaughter who is constantly “all over me.”   I’m feeling so very fat.  My weight seems to be about the same but my pants/shorts are so very tight and I feel like my tummy is getting bigger & bigger every moment.  I have a thing about this because all the females in my Mom’s family ended up with bellies when they got older.  It’s so uncomfortable and I hate, just hate, seeing fat when I never use to see fat before.  I feel like there’s no end in sight to my belly blowing up more & more.  I have to put this in perspective because I’m 5’7” and weight about 127 pounds.  I used to weigh about 115 and I liked that better but everyone told me then I was too skinny.  I don’t know if this is normal aging or if I am getting too fat.    It’s Saturday and I’ve tried my best to keep busy.   It’s really hard.  I don’t know which way to go with my house and my “stuff” to get rid of, keep, save for now, get rid of for later, etc etc.  It’s driving me crazy and my husband thinks “everything will be OK” without really planning and thinking it all out.  When I pin-point him to he does but I still feel empty and all alone with it.    I’m getting scared about my girl trip.  Tomorrow I will see the husband of one of the girls in the morning and in the afternoon I will see 2 other girls.  I know we’ll start talking about it.  But no phone calls yet or anything.  Are they waiting for me to initiate things?  Are they afraid to talk too much and get too close because we are going to be together for 5 days and 4 nights?  It’s not logical – that’s not logical thinking!  But it would be just like them to think that way.  I don’t.  I’m more open and accepting than they are.    But I’m starting to get afraid again about having accidents and embarrassment and non-acceptance.  Really bad.  My therapist went away today and I won’t have any kind of contact with her until the day of the trip – after we leave and that’s when she’s going to leave me a cell phone message.  She said she’ll call me to talk later that day but you know how it is connecting.  We just have to try our luck.  I have a feeling I’ll be calling her answering machine and leaving quite a few messages.  But I can’t do that now – that’s just when I’m on the trip.  Well … unless I absolutely have to which I hope I don’t.  I do not want to bother her at all while she’s on vacation.  Really I hate to have to bother her at all.  That’s just me.  I like my independence and hate this dependence I’ve become about this.  So I’m hoping after seeing my friends tomorrow I’ll feel more excited about going.  I have to put on my cheerful, happy face and not let them know how scared I am.  I have to be excited, confident and assertive – and friendly.  I’m hoping I don’t get more scared after seeing them with the reality of it all.  I can’t talk to my therapist so   I have to handle this myself – and write away!   It’s Sunday and we had breakfast with the husband of one of my friend’s who’s going on the trip.  She’s had a bad cold and hopefully will be OK by Thursday when we leave.  He told her to stay home yesterday and do nothing to get better quicker.  I’m hoping she’ll be OK and not give it to any of us.  We’ll be in the same car together for hours, all sleeping in the same room/beds and just being with each other for 24/7 for 5 days.  And, I have to tell my granddaughter today I have to not get close.  That’s going to be so hard.  I wish I wasn’t so worried about this but I can’t drive and enjoy myself if I have a miserable cold.    My friend commented, jokingly, about having to stop in the car 38 times for me to go to the bathroom and he’ll have his wife keep tract.  Then when I got up from the table to go he said he was wondering when that would be because he was feeling the urge but thought he’d wait for me to have to go so we can go at the same time.  Hopefully my friends won’t put as much attention on this problem as he does and I can slip away many times without them even knowing.  That would be good.  Everything went fine today and tonight with my family and friends.  I started out driving because I didn’t want to sit in back in the middle, squished between the little kids.  It was funny how my husband got back there.  But on the way home I sat back there between them.  I just couldn’t help it when both kids wanted “Nana! Nana!” to sit back there with them.  There’s no way I can keep my distance from them.  I just hope and pray they’re not sick and I stay well and healthy throughout the trip.  Thank you.  I found myself talking more about the trip than my friend.  Only one came because the other one had to work.  I don’t want to seem too forward but yes, I am excited.  Scared but excited.  And, I figure if I’m upbeat and happy about it others will follow suite.    It’s Monday, Memorial Day and my husband & I started by getting a bagel out and sitting with my friend’s husband again.  His wife is getting better, still not well, but he was sneezing a little and we sat right with him.  I’m so scared I’m going to get something.  I can’t.  Then we went for my 10 minute chair massage and she did him for free for 5 minutes.  She’s so nice.  He didn’t want to at first but I talked him into it.    Then we took off for a drive that we weren’t exactly sure where we would go today because of the weather.  It rained practically all day and we didn’t want to go too far but we wanted to go somewhere.  So we ended up going to a town we used to teach, then another town, another town, etc.  All little towns.  We ended up at an old resort that was my 3 whole vacations I took with my parents when I was little.  This place and that was it!  I guess that’s why I’m such an explorer now – I didn’t get to do it then and I really like to.  It was very nostalgic for me.  We didn’t do much but at least the day went by without too much boredom.  I just wish my husband was more fun and upbeat like I am.  I, though, have to count my blessings.  But tonight I’ve very uptight and even my body feels achy.  I’m really tired and didn’t do much but sit in a car.  Sometimes before I come down with a cold I get real tired so now I’m scared.  I sure do wish I wouldn’t stress out so much about this as I do!  One good this is I didn’t have any accidents today.  The drinking more and holding it longer is paying off.  I can see it.  Yeah!