Memorial Day

Jan 2, 
2 years
2 First
Everything has now come full circle of Ken's passing..
Jan 2, 2010, was Ken's memorial ....so today ends the mark of of his 2year cycle of his death....yet it really does seem as if we just are coming home that day 2 years ago ...the memorial has ended...we share a meal with family and friends in Ken's memory and one by one some one leaves...soon as I look around the room of the 400 people who attended his memorial has drifted out the door to resume their normal lives.
As I am sure most of us have all done, attended a memorial and stay afterwards long enough that we feel we have showed our presence for the family but then get in our cars and we may speak of how nice the memorial was and what a great person they were and they feel sorry for the family...but within a short very short time we are back talking about what we need to get done, making plans for our future and the memorial quickly leaves our mind as for us who that are not feeling that horrible pain of losing our loved one continue to move forward.
Yet left behind at where the memorial took place, there the family sits...some in silence..some still have tears quietly sliding down their face...others maybe talking, remembering the loved one and  there are those who are lost in their own thoughts wondering how this could be...wondering where to go from here...wondering how to even move....maybe glancing around the room seeing others finding things to smile or laugh about...
Then there sits the mom...the mom is all alone...her baby, her child is gone...she sits alone and wonders how could this be true...how could her baby have died when there was still so much living left for them to do....and now what is left is mom sitting .....with a broken heart....feeling she has died with her child, yet she knows she's not in Heaven for the her broken heart is too real....but she really does not know what to do now...now that her baby is gone..
She glances up and sees that the room that once was full, with people showing their love and concern have now left for they probably have shopping to do...only a few are left in the room and she realizes it is only the family left...as much as she wants to just set there frozen in time..waiting on her child to come back...she knows she can't...She then knows that is the day she started to wear her mask...the mask that she will carry with her...how long ...she does not know...but she knows she has to start wearing it now as she sees her family not knowing what to do...
Slowly she rises from where she had been sitting...never saying a word...she now puts on her mask and she lets the family know that  it will be okay...we are still a family and we will continue on.... 
One by one the family seeing that mom is now moving...they gather their things together and start their journey home...but there will be a difference...between them and the others...they won't be thinking about shopping...they will be wondering why..what went wrong...
Mom she seems to know she needs to go..yet wanting to stay...she feels she is being torn in pieces ...being torn apart...and her heart is already broken...what more ???
Slowly she makes it to her car...and the car is moving forward...yet her heart and mind are standing still....not wanting to go forward...just wanting everything like it was....
For this mom....it's now 2 years...2 years since she said good-bye....2 years now and  still wonders...why .......wondering how could it be 2 years when it seems like yesterday....
Today she will light two candles and let them shine....and today she will think about what has happened....and where does she go from now....
Jan 2, 2010.. Memorial Day for my son Kenneth Lee....
Jan 2, 2012.. Remembering Day for my son Kenneth Lee.....
The days come and go and we wish we had never had to face that day...We keep waiting to wake up from that nightmare we have been in...but 2 years now we really cannot deny it any longer...My Ken he is not coming home....He now is on his new journey where there is no pain, no tears, no sorrow...He is now safe...safe from this world...safe in the arms of Jesus...Love you my son, MOM

Replies

Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Oh Sandi. You have said it so well. I am shedding tears as I type. We will never know the whys. You are right; they are safe but our hearts are still broken.
Love and huge gentle hugs,
Marlene
Annwae
Annwae

It is so hard, but I hope you found comfort that 400 people attended his memorial on that day. I am sure he is till on their minds and in their hearts even if they don\'t tell you. It has only been less than 6 months for me, but I was comforted when 2 or my sons friends called me on New Years Eve. They havenot forgotten. I think it gets worse for a while, then it gets better. This time of year is so tough, but we will never forget. I hope you can find some peace and get love and support from all your friends on FMO. I think there is a problem with the website as when I get an email about a journal and click on the link, it doesn\'t go to the journal so that might explain your lack of responses. Please message me anytime and I will always try to reply, we must support each other through this most tragic of life\'s challenges. Lots of love and blessings sent your way. Love Anne (Toby\'s Mom)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, beautifully written and so heartfelt. I only wish we were not all filled with broken hearts that will not mend.. with hugs and love, Marcia
rcoco
rcoco

I had not read this journal yesterday...I will light two candles today to honor your precious Ken. Maybe he has taken my Angel Chris under his wing in Heaven.
Yes, the world proceeds as usual, but maybe we all are wearing that mask for different reasons. For no life is untouched by tragedy, but only mothers on this path know this sorrow.
It will be my 3rd year without Christopher this month....I have accepted my son\'s death, but my mothers heart remains deeply wounded...oh how we miss them, our beautiful boys....xo Rebecca
deleted_user
deleted_user

SO very true...nothing more to say, my friend....we will only experience peace...true peace once we are with our children again... but this time it will be very different....perfect. Jesus has them safe from this old world where they knew deep pain..now, forever pain free....it is like Brandon said in a dream of his good friend when he told her, \" I\'m free.\"......I cling to that image and those words.....thank you for directing me to this journal...I do not think I was notified by email....hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Abotsd
Abotsd

Yes, I understand now how you feel and how very much it is like what I feel. Our losses are too great to be forgotten, they have now changed us completely, we are a different sort of people now. Missing who we were is part of the sadness. Thanks for sharing this beautiful entry. abby
mybeachlover
mybeachlover

Sandi, In reading your journal I can so relate to all that you have said of a Mothers thoughts and actions. No one should know this pain and only those who have been there can know how you feel. I remember when you first got on here and we have been on this journey together. I remember thinking how hard it must have been to watch your son, a grown man slowly slip away. My son Bill was gone instantly and the shock took forever to go away. I still have to think as you do is this real, are they really gone and why, not fair but there it is to face each day. The days have gotten easier and less painful and I hope they are for you. The lack of undertanding I have put on the back burner and try not to go there. I know they are safe and at peace and not suffering the wows of this world. God Bless and a Happy New Year.
Love Lynette
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is so well put. How the mother feels is so on it. No one really understands how the mother feels except one that has been through losing a child
Dreamstill
Dreamstill

Sandy, your words drive straight into my heart. The memorial of my own daughter was clouded with such grief that I barely registered who was there beyond the intial greeting as people came to me. To me, it was a memorial that everyone who knew my daughter needed, but it brought no real comfort for me. Her friends were especially involved in the planning of it as I was still in shock and denial as her death came so suddenly in a car crash. I am forever thankful to her friends who held the second year memorial on a beach that she especially loved near our old home...they keep her memory alive so I know not everyone went home and moved easily back into their own lives.

The ones who really knew our children and loved them will always suffer a hole in their lives that our chilren once filled and have created a special place in their hearts for them forever! That is a comfort to know, for me.
Time does not make the pain go away, but does make it more bearable as I cry less and smile more when I remember her. I hope the same will be true for you. Hugs, Amber
deleted_user
deleted_user

I have to agree, you have said it well. It hasn\'t been that long for me and I am just trying to make it through all the first. My heart is still broken. Big hugs to you. Teresa.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I feel your pain and I know your heart is forever broken. I wish I could say something to make it better but I know nothing ever will. I am just so sorry for your broken heart. Hugs!!!
BinkyH
BinkyH

Sandi, this was a very heartfelt journal and one that touched my very soul with your words of how it is in the beginning and the mask...I remember after my son\'s memorial and everyone went home, it felt like I was waiting for something. What, I have no idea. I guess everyone else went about their planning for Thanksgiving and Christmas and I had no idea what or who I was supposed to be now. I just remember sitting there, waiting. I, too, have accepted my Michael\'s death and the fact that he is not coming back to me. I have learned how to deal with my wound and the scars, which will remain with me for the rest of my life. It is part of us now. Thank you for putting into words what those first two years are like.
jmk1973
jmk1973

Jan. 1st, is only four months for me. I am still in shock and a bit of denial too. You have summed it up so well, what the mother goes through. We wonder how the rest of the world goes on, like business as usual. Shouldn\'t the world just stop??? Our lives and our hearts did.
You are two years into your grief journey and yet the pain is as if it happened yesterday. I am so sorry for your pain. I am so glad I found FMO and I treasure your friendship. (((HUGS)))...Julia ( PS...I didn\'t get a notification for this journal either)