Meltown at the RE - Part II
I am starting this journal the same way as yesterday's: I need to thank you all for the great words of wisdom and support and making me feel like I can do this!
I re-read yesterday's journal and realized I might have left out a pretty big piece of the puzzle on my meltdown. I mentioned why we opted for the mini-cycle (because of my almost life-threatening liver tumor 10 years ago) and in addition to the overwhelming 1st IVF and medications/shots, part of my freakout was because of that. I'm not supposed to take any hormones and I'm very leary of drugs and medications after they nearly killed me. So in addition to IVF in and of itself being overwhelming, I'm also struggling adjusting to the fact that I'm putting myself in a possible compromised position health-wise. Double whammy, right!? I've talked to many doctors and they reassure me this *should* be safe since I'm not on the meds for too long (nothing is guaranteed and they won't promise anything of course) but part of the reason it's taken us so long to even consider IVF is my health history. Knowing I almost died makes me think twice about all of this. I did a lot of research to find alternative IVF methods, and was really happy when I stumbled upon my clinic and their miniminal stim and natural approach IVFs. So yesterday when the nurse brings out all these medications that I'm not expecting AND I find out they want me to take more medication that my RE initially told me I just totally freaked out. I had a long talk with DH last night and he is super supportive. In case you don't all know this, I hate, loathe, despise IF to my deepest core and resent the fact that not only can we not have a baby like "normal" couples, but we have to consider compromising my health to have a baby. I'm trying to be positive, but it's soooo hard sometimes!
Thank you again for your support and encouragement and being here on this journey with me. I'm not sure I could have even gotten this far without you all! xoxo
I re-read yesterday's journal and realized I might have left out a pretty big piece of the puzzle on my meltdown. I mentioned why we opted for the mini-cycle (because of my almost life-threatening liver tumor 10 years ago) and in addition to the overwhelming 1st IVF and medications/shots, part of my freakout was because of that. I'm not supposed to take any hormones and I'm very leary of drugs and medications after they nearly killed me. So in addition to IVF in and of itself being overwhelming, I'm also struggling adjusting to the fact that I'm putting myself in a possible compromised position health-wise. Double whammy, right!? I've talked to many doctors and they reassure me this *should* be safe since I'm not on the meds for too long (nothing is guaranteed and they won't promise anything of course) but part of the reason it's taken us so long to even consider IVF is my health history. Knowing I almost died makes me think twice about all of this. I did a lot of research to find alternative IVF methods, and was really happy when I stumbled upon my clinic and their miniminal stim and natural approach IVFs. So yesterday when the nurse brings out all these medications that I'm not expecting AND I find out they want me to take more medication that my RE initially told me I just totally freaked out. I had a long talk with DH last night and he is super supportive. In case you don't all know this, I hate, loathe, despise IF to my deepest core and resent the fact that not only can we not have a baby like "normal" couples, but we have to consider compromising my health to have a baby. I'm trying to be positive, but it's soooo hard sometimes!
Thank you again for your support and encouragement and being here on this journey with me. I'm not sure I could have even gotten this far without you all! xoxo
Replies
Completely understandable. This whole process is exhausting and it\'s NOT fair, you\'re right. I saw a pregnant woman smoking today and I thought, \"she gets to have a baby and I don\'t???!!!\" UGH. Good luck and we are here for you!
I agree with BkSuz99, IF does stink. I agree you shouldn\'t have to compromise your health. I will be crossing my fingers that your body has no reaction to the meds
I want you to know that I can totally relate! I had kidney cancer and skin cancer and I have a strong family history of cancer, so this IF stuff signing up for all the hormones over and over again makes me nervous too! I think we\'ll both be fine though its hard that there are no guarantees! Hugs
You have every right to freakout, I would think you wouldn\'t be normal if you didn\'t. IF sucks and really is unfair. I wish the doc could give you garanties but we all know they can\'t. I\'m sure if they felt it was unsafe for you to try they wouldn\'t let you. I\'m glad DH is a good support through all this. I wish we could take your stress away.
We are here for you.
ok, I\'m all caught up and read both posts. Wow! First, i\'m so sorry to hear about the near death illness. That sounds like no laughing matter and I can understand your anxiety. Giuliana Rancic also faced this because they told her after breast cancer she should not get pregnant for 5 years. this really upset her. It\'s tough to hear those words and/or worry that a treatment will pull you back to a place where you don\'t want to be.
As for how do we do this cycle and cycle again? Well, I\'m on round 2 and can honestly say I didn\'t think we would do a 2nd round after the first. It was very hard, full of anxiety, and down right crappy. But, we didn\'t conceive, and we have 2 in the freezer, and I \"thought\" a FET would be an easier option. turns out it is not...and sort of is. it\'s not because there are more shots than the last cycle, and only DH can give me the shots and he hates needles. plus, the probability of success is like 20% lower so I sometimes ask myself - so I\'m going through all this hassle for a less than 50% chance of conceiving? it seems mind blowing at times, yet is the right choice for us. Honestly, I\'m doing much better on this cycle. I\'m more relaxed, the 2 WW is less filled with anxiety (heck I\'ve gone through this already)...so although the mechanics seem shitty, the anxiety is reduced. I still know in my heart that I\'m playing craps in Vegas which kind of sucks, but I\'ll do anything 2 (or 3?) times to try and have a baby. How are you doing now post-melt down?
So sorry you had the freak out. Not to minimize it but it\'s normal. We\'ve all been there and it can be hard. Plus, your husband being out sick didn\'t help the matter...your support person was not there. I know you are concerned because of the drugs and how they will affect you, especially because of your tumor. I wish the RE would have told you the complete list at the consult! We all know you can get through this - the shots, etc. I was scared at first too. You get used to them, really. Sending you a hug and hope you feel better okay?
I cannot imagine how tough this must be on you. First just to go through the whole process of IVF is a complex decision to make to begin with then on top of it all have to worry about your health because you are a cancer survivor. But remember you are a survivor - you are stronger than you know. It\'s a tough decision but follow your gut/heart/mind whichever and I am sure you will make the right decision. You have a lot of people on your side and lots of prayers being sent your way. You got this!!!