Meltdown Wednesday

It all finally boiled down and the pot melted unto itself and could no longer sustain the shape it was trying to hold.  I had to face all the fears that I thought I was so bravely facing alone.  I had to speak up, let go, and expect nothing.  I had to surrender.
Family. I couldn't stomach food anymore and my family pushed too far in their squabbling and I spoke my piece.  Will it change?  (shrug)  They must go to counselling; I can no longer be thrust in the middle. 
Work.  Nightmarish dreams and I couldn't stomach to go to work and the stress and stayed at home to work and my boss pushed to far.  I wrote down the truth and finally told him the reality of my health, my workload, my situation and that which keeps me up at night.  He called and we talked and found little solutions and I shared my burdens.
Health.  I went to the doctor and instead of being chipper and helpful, I showed him the real defeat and the depression within me.  I showed him my real self.  For the first time he talked and asked different questions.  He focussed on my neck and sent me to a referral to a special Chiropractor who doesn't crack backs,but uses a special technique for aligning, and has a very good success rate.  For the first time in a long time, I'm being treated again. 
Home.  I had a long, hot shower and watched the steam rise and twirl above me like I used to do.  I didn't rush and fuss and clean the walls and think about what I would do after.  I just breathed.  I surrendered to the moment.
Sounds nice huh?
But, months and weeks and days leading up to this, I was a complete and emotional wreck.  Cutting myself off from everyone and trying to fix everything myself.  Trying to be the hero and suffering, physically and emotionally, in silence.  Trying to put on a face of someone that everyone else wants to see, instead of what was really going on.  It is the way of our society.  Professionalism, mother figure, woman.
I pray this feeling lasts and I have learned my lessons in this.  Stress is a horrible bug that crawls up your back when you don't know it and grows and multiplies quietly in size until it overwhelms you.  I had this dream a few days ago.  In the dream I shook them off.
I'm going to try the chiropractor because it came as a recommendation and I was promised he would be gentle and not twist and crack me up.  I feel hope and it is a welcome feeling.
 
Angela