Melody Beattie's: "Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps"
The Co-Dependent's 12 Steps
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. In Detail
Step One1.We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships."
"I didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a life of my own. I had a backlog of feelings from childhood, and chances were great that whatever I was reacting to today was probably a patterned reaction from childhood."
"On Unmanageability""I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enough people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I was."
"Our codependency, and our unmanageablity, doesn't always surround addicts and alcoholics. Many of us discover that our efforts to control another's behavior extend beyond that of controlling one person's addiction. Many of us get caught up in overt, and subtle, gestures to control many people--what they do, think, feel, and how and when they change."
"Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize that my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there.Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
"The Roots Of Control""The belief that we have power over other people is a powerful belief--a destructive illusion that many of us learned in childhood."
"Many of us grew up believing it wasn't okay to have feelings... That was part of the control we were taught to have--repression of our emotions. Now we are learning that whatever we try to control gains control of us. If we try to control our feelings in an unhealthy way--which many of us were taught to do and learned to do to survive-our feelings will gain control of us and create unmanageablility."
"We don't know how to relax and detach. Some of us aren't aware of how afraid we are...Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves."
"...much of what I call codependency in life is a result of feeling frightened, trapped, and stuck in relationships because I don't know how to take care of myself with people."
"Step One does not imply irresponsibility or helplessness. We are not saying, 'I can't help myself because of what others are doing, or have done to me'. We are saying the opposite that we are responsible for our affairs. Others are responsible for themselves and their affairs--whether or not we like how they are handling them."
"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves...This step grounds us in reality and in ourselves. It centers us. It balances us. It brings us back home to ourselves."
"The Detachment Step""This Step helps us begin to identify the proper use and abuse of willpower. We begin feeling instead of running from our emotions. We identify how we have neglected ourselves, so we may better love ourselves in any circumstance.""Often this step puts us in touch with our feelings--feelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief.
At first, the Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesn't have to, not for long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we become empowered. Once we accept whatever loss or area of powerlessness we're facing, we're free to feel and deal with our feelings, then move forward with life."
"Detach. Detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be...Love and accept ourselves as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. the solution will come. But not from trying so hard...The answer will come from detachment"."This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place."Step Two2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.Step Two Outlined"The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where we are to where we want to go."
"All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe". We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people."
RESTORED TO SANITY"Although we share codependency issues, each of us has a personal version of how codependency manifested itself in our lives and what being restored to sanity means."
"Not only do we have our own ideas of what it means to be restored to sanity but these ideas may change as we change. In the beginning of recovery, I needed to be restored from chasing alcoholics around, trying to make them stop drinking, to the sanity of living my own life. I needed to be restored from continual self-neglect to learning to pay daily, loving attention to myself and my needs. I needed to be restored from believing I had to, and could, control others to a place of letting go of others and allowing life to unfold."
"My idea of being restored to sanity centers around owning my power in relationships ? learning how not to let others have all the power, learning not to allow others to control me, no matter how healthy or well intentioned the people I'm dealing with. To me, sanity is when I am at peace with myself and take care of myself with others, instead of taking care of them."
"Many of us find that as our recovery progresses, our definition of sanity changes. Initially, many of us come to recovery thinking that it is reasonable to repress our feelings, dislike ourselves, stay immersed in shame, and feel trapped and hopeless. We may come to recovery thinking it normal that people endure being alive and slog through a miserable form of existence. We may think it normal to deny and deprive ourselves. We may think expecting perfectionism of ourselves is reasonable!"
"We may look upon victimization as a normal day-to-day event, a reasonable reaction to most of life's circumstances.""But this viewpoint changes for many of us when we begin to identify those past behaviors as codependent."
"Later, we may look upon any return to the unpleasant and negative thought patterns and emotions that accompany codependency as undesirable, and a reason to use this Step. We do not blame ourselves or expect to be free of tangles. Tangles can be beneficial and growth- producing. We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions of healthy living. But most of us prefer to stay balanced. In fact, feeling good - and for us that means feeling all our emotions - eventually begins to feel good."
"Some of us are looking for more from this Step and from recovery as a whole than being restored. Many of us feel that we have never experienced the kind of life we want for ourselves. We feel we are beginning for the first time to develop a manner of loving and living that is healthy."
CAME TO BELIEVE
"We do not begin by believing a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We work into it. We grow into our belief. We come to believe."
"Many of us find that we come to believe by seeing other people with problems similar to ours restored to sanity as a result of working these Steps. For us, seeing is believing."
"And coming to meetings is how we come to believe.""Many of us have little difficulty working this Step, once we begin attending meetings. It is difficult not to come to believe if we listen and watch."
"Perhaps the greatest offering of this Step is that no matter what we want and need done in our lives, we do not have to do it by ourselves. We don't have to use our will to change ourselves. For once, we don't have to try so hard.""We can turn to a Power greater than ourselves."
A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES"We don't have to begin with a complex understanding of a Power greater than ourselves. We don't want to begin with detailed ideas about what we want accomplished in our lives and how that should happen."
"We don't even have to know what we're going to be doing tomorrow.""We can start where we are, with whatever amount of belief or disbelief we have at the moment. We start by believing that we can and will be restored to sanity - whether that restoration is a brief event, such as handling a momentary feeling, or a larger event, such as the restoration we need when we begin recovery or go through a traumatic experience."
"We open ourselves to the help, loving care, guidance, and power of God. We come to believe we will be healed and that the tools we need to be healed will come into our lives. Our faith is not misplaced when we come to believe that recovery will work for us."
"God was inserted into this program of recovery because God is fundamental to recovery and fundamental to the psychic and soul-level change and healing we're seeking. We do certain things to change, but essentially, we are changed. It is a spiritual process."
"The decision to refer to God as a "Power greater than ourselves" and to allow people to develop their own understanding of this power is intentional.""This program is spiritual, not religious. The Steps were written to be compatible with all religious and denominational beliefs. They were also intended to be accessible to those without religious or denominational beliefs."
"Many of us come to recovery with contorted, fearful, and sometimes rigid and shame-based understandings of God. We may fear God. We may fear that God despises us or has abandoned us. We may have had unpleasant dealings with certain religious denominations. Some people come to this program because of a religious system had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family system."
"Great care must be taken to allow individuals the freedom to explore and determine their own spiritual beliefs.""Because of the great amount of physical and sexual abuse that many of us have suffered, some Twelve Steps programs have removed any gender reference to God. Some people don't want to identify God as a male-gender Being; some don't want to refer to God as a female-gender Being. Some don't want to call God "Father", because of the abuse suffered at the hands of an earthly father.""Some of us are comfortable embracing a traditional concept of God. That's fine, too."
"These Steps allow us each to get our needs met by a God of our understanding. We can come to these Steps with our fears, prejudices, needs, and desires, and still find recovery."
"When we take this Step, we begin to learn through personal experience. Then, others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and helped. This program is a never- ending chain of healing.""By believing and staying open to this healing process, we will become changed, in a natural, manageable fashion."
"We can use this Step to help us get through difficult situations around us, within us, or both."
"We can use this Step to help us come to believe that we can develop a sane, loving approach to ourselves, life, and others - no matter what our past or present circumstances. This Step means we no longer have to limit our futures by our pasts."
THE HOPE STEP"Breathe deeply. Believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Be grounded on that new level. By believing, we create the space for that to happen. We stop empowering the problem and begin to empower the solution, one that will be given to us."
"Do not worry about how it will happen. Do not worry about when it will happen. All we need will be given to us, done for us. We are in the process of becoming changed. All we need to do is believe."
"Most of us find we don't have to work too hard at this Step. Coming to believe is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it, and we will receive as much belief as we can handle as we are ready."
"In the First Step we surrendered to powerlessness. That was the beginning. Now we are on the way to becoming empowered by a Power greater than ourselves. This Power responds quickly and greatly to the slightest movement forward, the smallest indication of belief on our part."
"We will be restored. We will be renewed.We will be lifted out of our present circumstance and into a solution, whether that involves a change of heart, a change of attitude, a new path, a new feeling, or a new vision of what we are to do. Sometimes this happens quickly. Sometimes it takes a while."
"Open ourselves to the belief that a new and better way will appear, and it will. Open ourselves, for one moment, to the possibility that a Higher Power can create a new way or a new situation or a solution, and we have set the stage for that to happen. Open ourselves to the possibility that we can be restored, and we shall begin that journey."
"For many of us, taking the First Step - facing and admitting the unmanageability, pain, and loss in our lives - felt dark and hopeless. The Second Step takes us out of the darkness and into the light of hope and promise.""This Step offers hope, not the false hope many of us have clung to for years, but real hope in a real recovery. Take it whenever we need to."STEP THREE3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."Many of us have confused ideas about what it means to surrender to the care of God. Anyone who has battled with control issues may have a hard time giving up, giving in, and letting go. Sometimes we surrender too much. We become victimized, we refuse to take care of ourselves, and we blame that on God."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TURNING OVER OUR LIVES AND WILLS"Making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God, is making a decision to live our life with God's help, and we each have a life to live."
"We make a conscious decision to place ourselves and our lives, our internal affairs and external circumstances, over to the care of God. Then, we take responsibility for our lives and allow others to do the same for themselves."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."TO THE CARE OF GOD"Some of us struggle with the concept of God as a result of what we have been through before finding our way to these Steps.""Most of us find that if we stay open, we find our own path to spirituality. Most of us find things work out if we begin with whatever amount of belief, or disbelief, we possess."
"There is a great deal of relief in taking this Step. God is going to help us take care of ourselves.""It is safe, now, to let go of our need to be in control.""We can go to God as our source, our Creator, our inspiration, our guidance, our direction. And we hold ourselves responsible for our behavior and choices.""It is a relationship based on trust - trust in God and trust in self."
AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD"This Step declares that God is an important part of our recovery and our lives. It also states specifically that we are each free to understand God as we choose. This Step is not about religion - although a particular religion may be important in our lives. This Step is coming to terms with a personal relationship with God, as we understand and define God."
"God is not malicious. Not punitive. Not a trickster. Not out to play jokes on us. God may ask us to wait longer than we want, but only if waiting is in our best interests."
"God knows our hearts and God understands our healing needs. God understands the good that is waiting around the corner for us, the good that we can't see yet. God sees the benefit in the lessons we're learning, not just the turmoil, which is what we so often focus on."
"God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves."
TURNING IT OVER"This Step is about willpower, and the limits and the consequences of plowing our way through life running on our own fuel. Many of us have found that we haven't gotten too far or have not arrived at the destination we liked by using our own will."
"We do not have to look around us too long or too hard to find God's will for us and our lives today. It is not hidden from the eye. God's plan for us today is taking care of ourselves the way we want and choose, within the framework of what's happening in our lives today. When it's supposed to be something different, we'll know. We'll get interrupted. We'll be lead into a new circumstance. Or a new circumstance will find us."
"Usually we find God's will by becoming quiet, trusting God and listening to and trusting ourselves. It is a place found in peace and trust, not urgency and intensity.""It is by surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives."
ACCEPTANCE AND GRATITUDE"Gratitude has immense transformational powers - for ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Gratitude helps make things work out well. It helps us feel better while stressful things are happening. Then when things get good, it helps us enjoy the good."
"Focusing on the negative, focusing on the "what's wrong with this picture" is a large part of our codependency. Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives. It helps make things right."
"Gratitude can help bring us to a point of surrender. It can change the energy in us and our environment. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. It releases fear. It helps us move out and move forward. It breeds acceptance, the magic that helps us and our circumstances change.""Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available. Like any tool, thinking about using it isn't enough. It works only when we pick it up in our hands and actually begin using it."
THE FREEDOM OF SURRENDER"This is the surrender Step. Once we surrender, we become free to take care of ourselves, with the assistance of our Higher Power.""Surrender doesn't mean we're helpless. It doesn't mean we surrender to abuse or intolerable circumstances. It means we acknowledge these circumstances, then ask God to help us take care of ourselves in these circumstances."
"We will have to learn to say no; how to set boundaries; how to listen to our feelings, wants, and needs; and how to respond to external circumstances in a reasonable way, one that exhibits self- care, self-love, and respect for others.""Surrendering is how we become empowered to take care of ourselves."
"Turning our will and life over to the care of God takes the control of our life away from others. It also takes the control of others' lives away from us. It sets us free to develop our own connection to our Source and to ourselves, a connection free of the demands, expectations, and plans of another person. It can even set us free from our own demands, expectations, and plans."
"When we stop controlling others and allowing them to control us, we become free to take care of ourselves. The First Step is about powerlessness. This Step is about owning our power to take care of ourselves."
"We can use this Step when we are beginning recovery or when we run into an impasse. We can use it in the big moments of our lives or in the smaller, quieter moments. We can use it in times of confusion or despair, or when we feel stuck and trapped."
"When we have neglected ourselves to the point of despair, confusion, exhaustion, and sometimes self-abuse, we can take this Step. We can surrender to the Highest Plan and Purpose for our lives - the one that includes self-love.""There is another way besides ours, a better one. Taking this Step helps us find that way, even when the next move is a simple one like doing the dishes or watching television."
"This Step isn't about mindlessness or selflessness.""Stepping into God's care is a gentle step, one that brings peace and harmony. That doesn't mean our actions will never cause discord, hurt feelings, or a reaction in others. But there will be a rightness, a naturalness, and a harmony to what we do."
"Taking the Third Step is a starting point for setting our new life in motion. We can do it when we begin recovery. Then we can do it as needed.""Once we have placed ourselves in the care of a Higher Power, the act is complete. Our lives and our wills belong to God."
"People from our past may have abandoned us. God won't. When times get rough, we don't have to wonder whether God is there or whether God cares or whether God knows what is going on."
"God is there. God cares. God's plan is one that we can participate in, one that lets us use each event and circumstance in our lives to bring about our highest good.""Surrender renders us teachable. Humility and giving up make surrender possible. Becoming teachable allows us to learn what we could never have learned, had we not become willing to become students."
"Sometimes we surrender to anything and everything and call it God's will, and then we feel angry and hurt and get mad at God. But this isn't about God, it's about our codependency."
"When we use this Step, we understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also realize that we no longer have to let them control us.""This process of surrender happens not once, but again and again and again as we master a succession of lessons - lessons of healing, liberation, and love. Each time we may think: That's it. Now I've learned. It's free sailing from here on! Then we realize to our relief and delight that we are starting over as beginners again.""Trust this process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go - in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known."
Step Four4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.This is the Step that brings fear, uncertainty, and guilt to those who have been around recovery meetings for a while and have not taken it - or to those who have gone a time without taking it again. It's housecleaning time. Healing time."It's the dreaded Fourth Step."
LOOKING WITHIN OURSELVES"Many of us hide from our pain. Many of us hide from ourselves. Perhaps the last, safest, and strongest holdout from looking at ourselves is blaming our circumstances and condition on others. Focusing on others will neither solve our problems nor bring relief from the pain. It will divert us, but it won't accomplish the work we are seeking. It won't bring healing. Focusing on others won't change our circumstances. Many of us make the mistake of stopping our recovery efforts before we work this Step. We recover long enough to identify with other people's problem and realize it's not our fault. But what we discover is this: If we do not use our present circumstances as a challenge, a trigger, and an invitation to look within, we will find ourselves dancing through a repeat performance."
"Many of us begin recovery from codependency by looking around and outside of ourselves. That's often how life gets our attention. We get mad, whine, rage, manipulate, attempt to control, and point the finger at the other person in absolute insistence that he or she is doing something inappropriate, something we do not like, something we want that person to stop doing.""This is what we call an "outward" focus."
"In this Step, we begin the process of looking within as a response to our circumstances. We make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.""This Step doesn't tell us to make a critical, hostile, blaming inventory of ourselves. It doesn't tell us endlessly to find fault, hold ourselves irresponsible or overresponsible, or others unaccountable. It says: "searching and fearless.""We don't take this Step in lieu of setting boundaries. We don't take this Step to deny what another person is or isn't doing, and the impact of that on our families and our lives. We don't take this Step to deny what we are feeling."
"We take this Step to get to the core of recovery: self-responsibility.""This Step is the beginning of our own housecleaning. It is where we begin looking within for the solution to our problems and pain. It is how we begin healing ourselves and our hearts.""In this Step, we begin to allow the light to come into ourselves."
A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS INVENTORY"Here are some ways people approach this Step:"
"1. An Inventory of Codependent Characteristics""We can list some of the codependent behaviors and characteristics we have been protecting ourselves with, the people involved with these behaviors, and our underlying feelings about them."
"2. A General Biographical Sketch""This is an easy way to dive into this Step. Sit down with pencil and paper and write about yourself. Start simple. Where were you born? Then let the process take over. Write what comes to mind about yourself and your life - from childhood to present. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do it perfectly. After doing this first sketch, you many want to move on to the Fifth Step and talk to someone about what you've discovered. Or, you may want to move to the next layer of yourself.""Remember, this Step is not about being nice and appropriate. It's about getting it all out. Your biography isn't going to be published. Let yourself go, and say what you need and want to say."
"3. A Specific Biographical Sketch""Some people prefer to focus on one area of their lives, such as relationships, family, or work history. This can be useful if you find yourself blocked in a particular area. Write about your history in that one area, starting at the beginning.""The more we write about ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, the more helpful this work is."
"4. A Big-Book Fourth Step""This approach (covered on pages 64 through 71 of Alcoholics Anonymous, "the Big Book:) is the original approach suggested for a Fourth Step. This version calls for an honest stocktaking of ourselves. It is simple and straightforward. We write down the names of people we resent, and why. We write down what part of our lives we feel those people have affected or harmed. On our list of resentments, we include "people, institutions or principles with whom we are, or were angry." For instance, "I'm resentful toward my friend because she doesn't call me often enough, and that affects my social life and my feelings of well-being.""In this Fourth Step, we may want to cover all the troublesome areas of our lives - anger, resentment, fear, sex, and money - reviewing each area thoroughly and with an attitude of self- acceptance, not shame."
"5. Things We've Done Wrong""This can be an honest appraisal of the things we've done that we feel guilty about. This Step can help us clarify our own acts and words that cause guilt and shame, so we can be done with past guilt. It can also help clarify our inappropriate guilt - feelings of guilt that aren't really our own, but belong to others. We can be done with that, too. This is the place to let go of our rationalizations, our justifications, and look within.""Not listening to, not trusting, ourselves is a moral issue. Not liking and loving ourselves is a moral issue, and it is the heart and core of our codependency."
"6. Wrongs Others Have Done to Us""Taking a Fourth Step from this vantage point can help us get it all out. We can list all our victimizations from day one. What people, institutions, places, and beliefs have victimized or hurt us? How and why? How did this affect our lives? How does this make us feel? Did we have any part in this? For instance, did we say yes to someone when we could have said no? Why didn't we? What did we fear might happen if we took care of ourselves? Why didn't we own our power with that person? What was the belief stopping us from taking care of ourselves?""Have a good gripe session on paper. Whine once and for all so we can be done with it and heal."
"7. An Asset Inventory""So much of our codependency involves difficulty seeing what's good about ourselves and our lives. Seeing what's wrong can come so easily. It can be helpful to do a Fourth Step on our good qualities, our talents, our values, and what's right about us. It may also be, as one woman said, the hardest Fourth Step we've ever done."
"8. A List of Anger, Fear - and Shame""Write down a list of everyone we're mad at, everything we're afraid of, and everything we hate about ourselves. Dump it all. This is a simple approach to this Step. Just make a list of who or what, past and present, bothers you. Bothers means "causes you to feel upset, afraid, angry, helpless, outraged, indignant, hurt, ashamed, guilty, worried, or disturbed." Bothers also means "triggers any type of reaction in you, including caretaking or controlling." You can include things about yourself and your life that bothers you. You can include things about others, relationships, or work that bothers you.
But we won't know what to let go of and change until we do our Fourth Step work. The bottom line is this: If we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe people will hurt us and take advantage of us, they probably will.""Our goal of this Step is to open up and heal the emotional part of ourselves."
LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES"Besides identifying and healing from past feelings, incidents, and beliefs, there is another important benefit from working this Step. Some people call the Twelve Steps a "selfish" program. That's true. We do this program for ourselves, no matter whose problem got us into the Steps, no matter who we originally came to these Steps to help. But these Steps are also a self-esteem program. We work them to be done with shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. We work these Steps to learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us."
"This Step helps us learn to switch from a shame-based system to a system of loving and accepting ourselves - as is. We are clearing up our guilt and shame.""When doing this Step, do not forget to list the wrongs we may have done to ourselves: telling ourselves that it is not okay to be who we are; punishing and rejecting ourselves for being that; treating ourselves in any manner that is less than what we deserve. Not loving, accepting, nurturing, and cherishing ourselves are some of the most abusive wrongs we can do."
"By the time we reach this Step, we are called upon to do some focused work. It can be intense. What are we searching for? The darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves, loving others, and letting others love us - the side that blocks us from finding the love and happiness we want and deserve.""Don't worry about doing this Step perfectly. Don't worry about doing it well enough. This Step will work if we make an effort to work it. It will start a process. It will move us forward o our journey. Choose a way to do this Step, then do it. Be as honest as possible. Be open. Be willing to do what feels right for you, when it feels right to do that. You don't have to let it overwhelm you. Some people feel so critical of themselves when they begin recovery, they need to wait a year or two to work this Step."
"If you don't feel ready, don't worry about it. Like the other Steps, this one will find you, when it's time. You'll know when it's time."
OPENING OUR HEARTS TO LOVE"We work these Steps to heal from our pain, fear, guilt, and limiting beliefs , but to do that, we must first recognize them. That is our task in this Fourth Step. Those who find the courage to look within are the people most comfortable with themselves and recovery."
"This is the healing Step. This is the healing-the-heart Step. This Step can change lives. Go deep. Go as deep within yourself as you can. Start with the top layer, and let the process take you deeper. Do not be afraid of what you will find. The things that have happened to us may be dark, but our core is beautiful and good."
"Take this Step once, twice, as often as we need. Let the process of looking within become a habitual response to life and life's situations. Not to blame. Not to hold ourselves responsible for the behavior of others. But to explore, understand, take responsibility for, and cherish who we really are. Take this Step to empower and enable ourselves to heal and to take care of ourselves in any circumstances.""If we don't know what our issue is to deal with, ask God to reveal it to us. Ask God to show us what it is we need to face within ourselves. God will answer.""Be honest, but also be gentle and understanding with ourselves as we work this Step."Step Five5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."I believe this Step has two important implications: the focused Fifth Step confessional work we are called upon to do when we formally take this Step; and the practice of appropriate honesty and vulnerability with the people we relate to in our lives. Let's talk about both."
"ADMITTED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING""Some call codependence a disease, an illness. Others call it a problem. Some don't know what to call it. Some don't even like to call it "codependency." But many, including some original Al-Anon members, call it a "soul-sickness". What we do in recovery is to practice the daily behaviors that we call "recovery". What we are seeking are psychic and soul-level changes in ourselves, changes that can be manifested in our lives and our relationships, beginning with our primary relationships with ourselves."
"To begin that process, it is imperative that we unearth, release, get rid of, and be done with shame, fear, guilt, secrets, and anything else inside us that bothers us, causes us to feel less than, weighted down by, burdened by, and bad about ourselves. The way to do that is by opening our mouths and getting it out. It is a simple but effective way to begin healing ourselves. We simply tell the truth about ourselves to ourselves, to another person, and to God in an attitude of self- responsibility, acceptance, and forgiveness."
"If we have done the work called for in the Fourth Step, if we have sat down and inventoried ourselves, we have started to shake up our souls. We have reached in with a Brillo pad and begun to scrub loose the debris and film within, those things blocking us from living the life we want. No matter what form of Fourth Step we use, no matter if we do a small, medium, or large one, we have loosened some things that need immediately to be washed away."
"Once we start this process of loosening the "stuff" within, we will often notice it more. We may feel the weight of it all. We may begin to notice the feelings, needs, guilt, and burden of what we have carried around. We need to set up an appointment to talk about this soon. We need to move quickly on to this Step to do the washing away and cleansing of all that has been loosened."
"It's important to take a Fifth Step soon after completing our Fourth Step inventory. Some people suggest making an appointment to take a Fifth Step before we begin working on the Fourth, giving ourselves about two weeks. They suggest beginning on deadline to do the Fourth and going immediately in for the "cleansing" part. However we do it, we can do ourselves a favor and move quickly to this Step. With many of the Steps there is no rush to move on to the next. This one is an exception."
"Just as it's important to do our Fifth Step soon after we write our inventory, it's also important to choose carefully the person with whom we take our Fifth Step. Some people choose to do Fifth Step work with clergy. Others prefer not to. Some people choose a trusted program sponsor to do this work with. Others search around until they find the right person. An important criterion is that we take the Fifth Step with someone experienced in listening to Fifth Steps, someone who has done it before, and knows what we're looking for, someone who can assist and lead us through the process."
"Sometimes it's helpful to use word-of-mouth references to locate our Fifth Step person. If we're having trouble locating someone, if we feel stuck, we can ask around for references at our groups. We can also contact the local Intergroup office (the Twelve Steps headquarters) for the Twelve Step group we attend. If our group doesn't have a local Intergroup, we can contact Al- Anon."
"Sometimes we find that the most troublesome things - for many of us, stealing something when we were younger; for others our flaws about ourselves and our lives - don't seem so bad once we get them into the light. We learn that nobody is perfect and nobody needs to be. But when something bothers us, we need to get it out into the light to be healed from it. If it's bothering us, we need to talk about it. And the more it bothers us, the more shame and self-hatred it causes, the more it controls us and our lives, the more important it is to bring it out."
"DAILY HONESTY""Another part of this Step, besides making an appointment and taking a formal Fifth Step, is learning to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves."
"It is good for the soul to learn to reach out when we need to do that. We aren't a bother. We aren't a burden.""If we want to take down the walls in our relationships, we need to take down our walls. That is an effective and appropriate use of our power."
"ADMITTED TO GOD AND TO OURSELVES""We've talked about telling another person about our shortcomings, wrongs, mistakes, failures, secrets. We've talked about sharing ourselves with others - who we are, what we feel, want, need, think, and desire. There are two more parts to this Step."
"We need to tell God about ourselves. Quietly, loudly, silently, during our morning meditation, our afternoon break, or our evening walk, we need to say, God, this is who I am. This is what I did. This is what I think. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm going through. This is what I'm worried about. These are my fears, my hopes. These are my old beliefs. This is what I think I can't deal with, what I can't do. This is what I need help with. Hey, God, this is me."
"We need the power to be honest, open, and vulnerable with our Higher Power. When we can do that, we will achieve the highest form of spirituality.""We are not burdening God by bringing ourselves to God. That's what God wants. And God cares, that much."
"Besides telling God, we need to tell ourselves who we are, what we want, what we have done, our wrongs, our secrets, our good points, our beliefs. We need to admit to ourselves what we are really feeling, what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial.""We need to be honest with ourselves."
"SETTING OURSELVES FREE""Even after we take formal Fourth and Fifth Steps, even after we take several, even when we are working hard at recovery and trying to stay honest, we have fears, limiting beliefs, and resentments. We make mistakes. Sometimes these are judgement calls we make during certain periods of our lives when we are afraid and trying to survive. Sometimes these are manipulations. Sometimes they cross the line into dishonesty. We do a thing we really are not comfortable with; we violate our own moral code; and we tuck away the guilty thing, and all the feelings that go with it, right down inside ourselves."
"We may live with this for a period of time, barely noticing, until one day it emerges. There it stands, right before our eyes. We've got a new list of fears, or shame. We did something wrong, and we've been denying, justifying, and rationalizing it for a time - sometimes a long time. Then panic may strike. What do we do? Do we run and hide? Do we keep denying it? Or do we use these wonderful Steps as a tool to free ourselves from the darker side of being human?"
"Thank God for these Steps. Thank God we no longer have to live in guilt and shame. Thank God we no longer have to try to be perfect. Thank God we no longer have to hide from ourselves and others. Thank God the gift of this program is healing, self-acceptance, and a bond - a deep connection with others, ourselves, and our Higher Power."
"We are finally free to be who we are. We are trust that when and if we are to become more, that will happen by taking the simple actions called for in these Steps."
"THE CLEANSING STEPS""Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Many people pair Steps Four and Five together because they are integrally connected. That's how we work them. That's how they find us."
"Learn to allow Step Five to follow Step Four quickly in our lives. Learn to open up quickly, admit to God, a person, and ourselves, what it is we need to admit - a feeling, a belief, a discovery about ourselves, or some hidden wrongdoing from which we need relief, release, and healing."
"These are cleansing Steps, freeing Steps.""The Fourth and Fifth Steps are our tools for releasing and healing ourselves. We write an inventory of what's bothering us, then we verbalize our part and our responsibility to another person, ourselves, and our Higher Power. We take responsibility for ourselves. We accept situations and ourselves the way we are."
"The Fourth and Fifth Steps can be used as needed. We can do them formally, by writing an inventory and making an appointment to discuss it, or informally, whenever things arise in the course of our lives that need attention. These two Steps give us the formula for healing from our pasts, from our old negative beliefs, from repressed feelings, from mistakes, from all that we are striving to be healed from."
"Learn to connect with ourselves honestly and emotionally, so we can do the same with others."
"Be open to using the process, the tools defined in the Fourth and Fifth Steps. Do this to initiate change and healing in ourselves, trusting that it will bring positive results; harmony with others and good feelings about ourselves. When we are confused about our part in an incident or who to talk to about it, wait for guidance, but do not wait too long."
"These Steps give us permission to be who we are, to forgive and love ourselves, and to forgive and love others. These Steps give us a formula for self-care in relationships: looking within, and honesty with self, God, and others.""The Fifth Step gives us permission to be human, vulnerable, and honest. It gives us permission to have emotions."
"This is the telling-the-truth Step. Use it as often as necessary. This is the Step that will set us free."Step Six6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.Six and Seven are perhaps the most unnoticed, unused, mistrusted Steps in the Twelve. They are also some of the most powerful. These are the Steps whereby we become transformed. These are the Steps that actually change us.""OUR PROTECTIVE DEVICES"
"... this philosophy doesn't give anyone permission to continue to harm themselves or another person, but it seems more compassionate.""Whether we call them defects of character or our protective devices, what are we looking at in this Step? What are we becoming ready to ask God to heal us from? What are we becoming willing to let go of?""Our tight grasp on peopleControllingManipulationOur fearsOld feelings that may be clogging us upNegative, limiting beliefsWorryThe need to blame our pain on othersWaiting to be happy""We become ready to let go of our fear of being controlled - which for many of us is as great, or greater than, our desire to control or manipulate another. We let go of allowing others to control us, our lives, or our happiness.""We become ready to let go of our caretaking - our tendency to focus on the problems, issues, feelings, needs, choices, and lives of another; the underlying belief that we are responsible for others.""We become willing to be healed from the issues underlying caretaking: weak or inappropriate boundaries or limits; an unclear sense of self, self-responsibility, and the responsibilities of others.""We become willing to be healed from the belief that others, or ourselves, are incompetent and cannot take care of us.""We become ready to let go of:""Low self-esteemOur self-neglect, and the belief that we aren't responsible forourselves and cannot take care of ourselvesOur desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for, usSelf-rejectionSelf-hatredLack of self-trustLack of trust in God, life, and the process of recoveryOur trust issues with people - inappropriately placed trust and nottrusting when it is appropriateOur addictionsGuiltShame - that pervading sense that who we are is not okay""We become ready to let go of our inability to own our power, to think, feel, be who we are, take care of ourselves, and enjoy life. We become ready to let go of our difficulty with setting appropriate boundaries and limits with people.""We become ready to let go of our reluctance to feel and deal with our feelings:""Our difficulty dealing with and expressing angerOur inability to experience joy and loveOur negativity, hopelessness, and despairOur fear of joy and loveOur fear of commitmentA closed mind, or a closed heartOur attraction to unavailable people and dysfunctional systemsOur need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systemsOur need to be perfectOur abuse from childhoodOur need to be victims and our participation in our own victimization""We become ready to let go of our fear of intimacy and closeness, and our relationship- sabotaging behaviors. We become willing to let go of our problems and fears with sexuality.""We become ready to let go of our blocks and barriers to joy and love, even when we cannot name those blocks and barriers. We ask God to take away everything that stands in the way of us having all we deserve in our lives. We ask God to show us the blocks or defects we need to be willing to let go of, and help us become willing to let go of them all.""We become ready to be healed from our pasts, from unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, and grief over the many losses we've endured. We become ready to let go of the negative beliefs that we latched onto as a result of our pasts: that we're unlovable, a disappointment, a burden, not good enough, stupid, unworthy, a problem, and a bother.""We become ready to let go of all of our "don't deserves": don't deserve love, happiness, success. Don't deserve a new hat, a new coat, a new car. Don't deserve to be heard, cared for, have fun, or enjoy life.""We get ready to let go of the entire codependent package. Whatever we uncovered in our work on our Fourth and Fifth Steps, whatever we become aware of during the daily course of our recoveries, whatever we don't like, don't want, can't stand, feel helpless about, and want to be done with, we become willing to let go of.""Anything that is no longer useful; any behavior or belief that gets in our way - these are what we become ready to release.""The deeper we're willing to go, the deeper the healing we will receive.""Do not limit the use of this Step to defects. This Step works on feelings, and feelings aren't defects. If we get stuck in a particular feeling, especially fear, anger, resentment, grief, or sadness, we can become willing to let go of that.""There is no behavior too large or too small to be worked on in this Step. When we take this Step, when we become entirely ready to have God remove our protective devices, we are on the way to becoming changed.""BECOMING READY TO LET GO""If there is any struggle to recovery, if there is a difficult, frustrating, grueling part, it can be when we become aware of the devices that once protected us but have now become self- defeating. It is when we become ready to let go.""We may have spent years behaving in a certain way without having any awareness of, or experiencing noticeable consequences from, this behavior. Then, suddenly, it becomes time to change. We begin to notice that behavior. We bump into it, over and over again. We begin to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness, our own inability to change. And we wonder how things will or can ever be any different.""That's when it's time to remind ourselves that we are changing. Right now, we are in the process of becoming changed. That's how this program of recovery works.""That's how we become ready. We bet pelleted, sometimes bombed, by awareness. That's how life gets our attention. Awareness. Acceptance. And change. Our part in this process is becoming ready to let go, becoming ready to have God take it from us.""We can start where we are and with who we are, and that is good enough for this program to work. We can ask for help getting ready to let go.""Becoming ready to let go is not something that can be taught. But it is something that each of us can learn, through practice. Don't worry. If we stay in recovery circles long enough, we will.""The readiness will be worked out in us.""We can rely on the Step. We can trust what happens when we take this Step. If we aren't ready or willing to let go of our defects or any person or anything, we can ask our Higher Power to help us become willing and ready.""THE LETTING GO STEP""This is not a do-it-ourselves program. We are not abdicating self-responsibility. But we are learning to trust God, trust this process, and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For now, our part is becoming ready to let go.""Lessons don't go away. They keep repeating themselves until we learn. In fact, when it's time to change, it becomes harder to stay than it does to change.""This Step gives us permission to relax, trust, and become willing. It gives us permission to be who we are and let this process of change happen to us.""Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) suggests that after doing our Fifth Step, we seclude ourselves and ask God to remove our defects of character, our shortcomings. It's important to take this Step, and take it big, after doing a Fourth and Fifth Step.""This is the letting-go Step. It is the beginning of transformation. It begins the process of receiving what we want and need from our Higher Power. Become ready to let go of all that stands in our way, of all that bothers, troubles, defeats, or perplexes us, of all that we cannot control. Become ready to let go of what we don't want any more and what we truly desire. Then, move on to the Seventh Step and watch what happens."Step Seven7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings."Yes, there are some things about us - about you and me - that we need to get rid of. But we need to keep who we are, ourselves, our inherent personalities, and the traits and qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us special and unique.""HUMBLY ASK GOD"
"Aside from our fear about what will happen to us if we are without our defects and what it means to have our defects removed, there is really only one idea in this Step to discuss. We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. That does not mean we holler at God to change us. It does not mean we demand. It does not mean we have to whimper, grovel, beg, plead, or incessantly ask.""What this Step means is that we acknowledge that God is the power. We acknowledge the difference between God and ourselves: God is all-powerful; we aren't and don't have to be. Some things we just can't do ourselves. Changing ourselves is one of those things."
"So we ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.""We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.""It helps to say "please".""TRUSTING THE PROCESS"
"It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process. It doesn't hurt, at least not any more than necessary to heal us from past hurts or to get our attention. It is a palatable process, and even the pain becomes palatable, once we become willing to feel instead of resist, once we become willing to surrender.""..... I struggled for a while - with myself. I'd try to stop but find myself unable to.
Or, I'd stop the behavior but I'd still want to do it. I'd try harder. Fail. Then finally surrender. I'd stop flailing about and let myself be.""That's when gifts came. Gifts like detachment. Letting go. Realizing deep within me that I couldn't control another. That doesn't mean I did it perfectly or that the gifts all came at once. But over the years, letting go gradually replaced the need to control."
"It doesn't mean the need and desire to control doesn't come back.""Some of that we accept. Stay alert. Become more aware. Catch ourselves. But let ourselves learn and grow. Develop a certain gentleness and compassion with ourselves, for our humanness. Let the transformation happen."
"A desire to control to control can be tempered with appropriate boundaries and respect and then channeled into management and leadership abilities.""All the energy we put into despising and disliking ourselves can be turned positive, can be used to love ourselves."
"Some of the endless caretaking and care giving we gave away to the world can be turned toward us, until we truly learn to love and take care of ourselves.""The longer we work these Steps, the better perspective on ourselves and our pasts we'll gain. The more fully we allow healing to take place concerning our pasts, the more we will see and be open to receiving the gifts from our past.""Once we work through our bitterness, we will be able to receive the gift from each relationship, even the most painful ones."
"We will be healed. Self-love and love for others will come to us. Perhaps the most healing gift of all is self-acceptance, an immediate, ever-present acceptance of self, of all we are and have been, and of all we have been through. The more we can accept ourselves, the more we will naturally evolve into who we are destined to become."
"This Step does not absolve us of self-responsibility. But we don't have to worry or fret. We don't have to force our recoveries. We don't have to abase or criticize ourselves further because we are unable to change something about ourselves. Our primary task is acceptance and self- love. From that place, all good things will happen and come to us."
"The process will work, and it will work it's magic on us, if we allow that to happen. Sometimes it works even when we resist. We will find ourselves being changed, right down to the core of ourselves, in ways that we could not do for ourselves.""And it happens naturally, if we let it."
"This Step gives us permission to be who we are. We say please help me. Please change me. From that moment on, we can be who we are and let the changes happen."
"Yes, we do have a part in this process. That part is applying ourselves to the Steps. There are tasks at hand, and we will be shown and helped to do whatever it is we are to do, when we are to do it. But the task in this Step is simple. This is the "humbly asking God for what we need" Step. It gives us permission to come as we are and bring our needs and desires to our Higher Power. We say please, then trust that we have been heard."
"THE TRANSFORMATION STEPS""Steps Six and Seven are the transformation Steps.""Become willing. Become open. Say please. And cherish who you are now, in this moment."
"Nothing, nothing, can interfere with the good that is coming your way in life, and in this program called recovery."
"This Step does not eliminate us. It embraces and brings together the beauty of that innocent, natural child in each of us and combines it with the wisdom of our experiences. It enables us to realize our potential fully."
"Our gifts will become enhanced and accentuated. Our idiosyncrasies will become acceptable, at times laughable. Our negatives will be illuminated, lightened, eliminated, or made bearable."
"Ask God to help us. Ask God to change us. Ask God to heal us. Become entirely ready to have God heal us, then humbly ask God to do that. That is the essence of the Sixth and Seventh Steps.""And they are the core of our healing."Step Eight8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.Step Eight Outlined"In this chapter we're going to explore how to use this Step to further our health and growth, as this Step applies to our codependency. There are two pertinent ideas in this Step: making a list, and becoming willing to make amends to everyone on it."
"MAKING OUR LISTS""As we work this Step the first list we may want to make is a list of those who have harmed or wronged us. I understand this is a controversial idea and not what the Step says.
"We have been wronged. We have allowed ourselves to be harmed. Sometimes, as children, we had no choice and no way to protect ourselves. Sometimes we feel wronged by many, and not just as children. Who hurt us? Who do we feel victimized, mistreated, used, or abused us? Who has rejected us, spurned us, caused us pain? Who do we resent, fear, or avoid because they have hurt us? Who are we rejecting because of what the other person has done and because of our inability to take care of ourselves with that person?"
"Make a list. Put every name you can think of on that list. If you have done your inventory work thoroughly, you should have gotten most of the details and grievances out of yourself. If you find new thoughts emerging and need time to write about them, do so."
"Once you have finished that list, put it aside. Take out another sheet of paper and make your second list. This list is just as important as the first one. This is the list of people you have harmed."
"Now we are entering into some exacting, focused work. Often, it is helpful to pray for Divine Guidance and wisdom as we embark on this project. Who, exactly, have we harmed with our codependent behaviors? Do not suppress yourself by worrying now if you are going to have to apologize to these people or what you are going to say, or whether you will look foolish. It is not yet time to address those issues. For now, we are focusing on making a detailed list of those we have harmed."
"As we make this list, be firm but compassionate with ourselves. Avoid wallowing in guilt. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not the purpose of this list. Being done with guilt and shame is our goal here."
"Do not be obsessive. Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings. Look at your behavior in a quiet frame of mind and allow the names to emerge that need to be on your list."
"Now, let's move on to finances. To whom do you owe money as a result of your codependency? Put their names on the list. Perhaps we have borrowed and not repaid. We many have lied or manipulated to get money that was not legitimately ours out of fear or a need to survive."
"Perhaps we got so enmeshed in our codependency that we neglected our fiscal responsibilities. Put the names of the people we - not someone else - owe money to."
"As we consider and make this list, strive for a peaceful balanced frame of mind. If guilt or anxiety overtakes us, put pencil or pen down, stop, and retreat into a peaceful place. When our balance has been restored and we are making our lists from peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves, return to work."
"This Step requires soul-searching. It is not a Step to punish us nor is it a Step to remind us of our need to feel guilty. It is a Step to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord."
"We need to be open to guidance as we work this Step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling that we call codependency is unearned guilt. If we find ourselves enmeshed in unearned guilt, it may help to make a separate list: people we haven't harmed but feel guilty about anyway. Sometimes if we have an abundance of unearned guilt with a particular person, we may want to look behind the unearned guilt and see if there is some hurt or anger lurking there, anger disguising itself as guilt."
"Now we are approaching our third list. It is as important as the other two we have made; maybe this one is the most important. For years I have heard this idea bandied about in recovery circles, but we need to take action on it, particularly as it relates to recovery from codependency. The name that goes on that third list is our own name."
"We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our codependency. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely undemanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong."
"Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong.""Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong."
"Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrong - regardless of the degree of abuse. It is not okay to let ourselves be talked to or touched inappropriately."
"It is simply not okay to allow ourselves to be victimized.""Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong.""Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong.""Being ashamed of ourselves is wrong."
"Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves is devastating. We can spend a lifetime punishing ourselves and allowing others to hurt us, too.""Every behavior we list as codependent is in truth a wrong done toward ourselves. Sometimes it involves a wrong done to someone else, too. We need to be absolutely honest about both. Until we do, we will not have the map for the rest of our recovery."
"This is the Step where we come to terms with that idea. This is the Step where we list all persons we have harmed. Until our name goes, in ink, on that list, our lists and our recoveries will be incomplete."
"It may be helpful to take this Step in small spurts. Guilt and anxiety are our weak points, anyway. Let your list be an ongoing project, adding to it as names and incidents enter your awareness. Work on it a little each day. Then do something peaceful and relaxing immedi
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. In Detail
Step One1.We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships."
"I didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a life of my own. I had a backlog of feelings from childhood, and chances were great that whatever I was reacting to today was probably a patterned reaction from childhood."
"On Unmanageability""I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enough people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I was."
"Our codependency, and our unmanageablity, doesn't always surround addicts and alcoholics. Many of us discover that our efforts to control another's behavior extend beyond that of controlling one person's addiction. Many of us get caught up in overt, and subtle, gestures to control many people--what they do, think, feel, and how and when they change."
"Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize that my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there.Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
"The Roots Of Control""The belief that we have power over other people is a powerful belief--a destructive illusion that many of us learned in childhood."
"Many of us grew up believing it wasn't okay to have feelings... That was part of the control we were taught to have--repression of our emotions. Now we are learning that whatever we try to control gains control of us. If we try to control our feelings in an unhealthy way--which many of us were taught to do and learned to do to survive-our feelings will gain control of us and create unmanageablility."
"We don't know how to relax and detach. Some of us aren't aware of how afraid we are...Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves."
"...much of what I call codependency in life is a result of feeling frightened, trapped, and stuck in relationships because I don't know how to take care of myself with people."
"Step One does not imply irresponsibility or helplessness. We are not saying, 'I can't help myself because of what others are doing, or have done to me'. We are saying the opposite that we are responsible for our affairs. Others are responsible for themselves and their affairs--whether or not we like how they are handling them."
"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves...This step grounds us in reality and in ourselves. It centers us. It balances us. It brings us back home to ourselves."
"The Detachment Step""This Step helps us begin to identify the proper use and abuse of willpower. We begin feeling instead of running from our emotions. We identify how we have neglected ourselves, so we may better love ourselves in any circumstance.""Often this step puts us in touch with our feelings--feelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief.
At first, the Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesn't have to, not for long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we become empowered. Once we accept whatever loss or area of powerlessness we're facing, we're free to feel and deal with our feelings, then move forward with life."
"Detach. Detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be...Love and accept ourselves as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. the solution will come. But not from trying so hard...The answer will come from detachment"."This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place."Step Two2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.Step Two Outlined"The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where we are to where we want to go."
"All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe". We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people."
RESTORED TO SANITY"Although we share codependency issues, each of us has a personal version of how codependency manifested itself in our lives and what being restored to sanity means."
"Not only do we have our own ideas of what it means to be restored to sanity but these ideas may change as we change. In the beginning of recovery, I needed to be restored from chasing alcoholics around, trying to make them stop drinking, to the sanity of living my own life. I needed to be restored from continual self-neglect to learning to pay daily, loving attention to myself and my needs. I needed to be restored from believing I had to, and could, control others to a place of letting go of others and allowing life to unfold."
"My idea of being restored to sanity centers around owning my power in relationships ? learning how not to let others have all the power, learning not to allow others to control me, no matter how healthy or well intentioned the people I'm dealing with. To me, sanity is when I am at peace with myself and take care of myself with others, instead of taking care of them."
"Many of us find that as our recovery progresses, our definition of sanity changes. Initially, many of us come to recovery thinking that it is reasonable to repress our feelings, dislike ourselves, stay immersed in shame, and feel trapped and hopeless. We may come to recovery thinking it normal that people endure being alive and slog through a miserable form of existence. We may think it normal to deny and deprive ourselves. We may think expecting perfectionism of ourselves is reasonable!"
"We may look upon victimization as a normal day-to-day event, a reasonable reaction to most of life's circumstances.""But this viewpoint changes for many of us when we begin to identify those past behaviors as codependent."
"Later, we may look upon any return to the unpleasant and negative thought patterns and emotions that accompany codependency as undesirable, and a reason to use this Step. We do not blame ourselves or expect to be free of tangles. Tangles can be beneficial and growth- producing. We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions of healthy living. But most of us prefer to stay balanced. In fact, feeling good - and for us that means feeling all our emotions - eventually begins to feel good."
"Some of us are looking for more from this Step and from recovery as a whole than being restored. Many of us feel that we have never experienced the kind of life we want for ourselves. We feel we are beginning for the first time to develop a manner of loving and living that is healthy."
CAME TO BELIEVE
"We do not begin by believing a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We work into it. We grow into our belief. We come to believe."
"Many of us find that we come to believe by seeing other people with problems similar to ours restored to sanity as a result of working these Steps. For us, seeing is believing."
"And coming to meetings is how we come to believe.""Many of us have little difficulty working this Step, once we begin attending meetings. It is difficult not to come to believe if we listen and watch."
"Perhaps the greatest offering of this Step is that no matter what we want and need done in our lives, we do not have to do it by ourselves. We don't have to use our will to change ourselves. For once, we don't have to try so hard.""We can turn to a Power greater than ourselves."
A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES"We don't have to begin with a complex understanding of a Power greater than ourselves. We don't want to begin with detailed ideas about what we want accomplished in our lives and how that should happen."
"We don't even have to know what we're going to be doing tomorrow.""We can start where we are, with whatever amount of belief or disbelief we have at the moment. We start by believing that we can and will be restored to sanity - whether that restoration is a brief event, such as handling a momentary feeling, or a larger event, such as the restoration we need when we begin recovery or go through a traumatic experience."
"We open ourselves to the help, loving care, guidance, and power of God. We come to believe we will be healed and that the tools we need to be healed will come into our lives. Our faith is not misplaced when we come to believe that recovery will work for us."
"God was inserted into this program of recovery because God is fundamental to recovery and fundamental to the psychic and soul-level change and healing we're seeking. We do certain things to change, but essentially, we are changed. It is a spiritual process."
"The decision to refer to God as a "Power greater than ourselves" and to allow people to develop their own understanding of this power is intentional.""This program is spiritual, not religious. The Steps were written to be compatible with all religious and denominational beliefs. They were also intended to be accessible to those without religious or denominational beliefs."
"Many of us come to recovery with contorted, fearful, and sometimes rigid and shame-based understandings of God. We may fear God. We may fear that God despises us or has abandoned us. We may have had unpleasant dealings with certain religious denominations. Some people come to this program because of a religious system had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family system."
"Great care must be taken to allow individuals the freedom to explore and determine their own spiritual beliefs.""Because of the great amount of physical and sexual abuse that many of us have suffered, some Twelve Steps programs have removed any gender reference to God. Some people don't want to identify God as a male-gender Being; some don't want to refer to God as a female-gender Being. Some don't want to call God "Father", because of the abuse suffered at the hands of an earthly father.""Some of us are comfortable embracing a traditional concept of God. That's fine, too."
"These Steps allow us each to get our needs met by a God of our understanding. We can come to these Steps with our fears, prejudices, needs, and desires, and still find recovery."
"When we take this Step, we begin to learn through personal experience. Then, others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and helped. This program is a never- ending chain of healing.""By believing and staying open to this healing process, we will become changed, in a natural, manageable fashion."
"We can use this Step to help us get through difficult situations around us, within us, or both."
"We can use this Step to help us come to believe that we can develop a sane, loving approach to ourselves, life, and others - no matter what our past or present circumstances. This Step means we no longer have to limit our futures by our pasts."
THE HOPE STEP"Breathe deeply. Believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Be grounded on that new level. By believing, we create the space for that to happen. We stop empowering the problem and begin to empower the solution, one that will be given to us."
"Do not worry about how it will happen. Do not worry about when it will happen. All we need will be given to us, done for us. We are in the process of becoming changed. All we need to do is believe."
"Most of us find we don't have to work too hard at this Step. Coming to believe is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it, and we will receive as much belief as we can handle as we are ready."
"In the First Step we surrendered to powerlessness. That was the beginning. Now we are on the way to becoming empowered by a Power greater than ourselves. This Power responds quickly and greatly to the slightest movement forward, the smallest indication of belief on our part."
"We will be restored. We will be renewed.We will be lifted out of our present circumstance and into a solution, whether that involves a change of heart, a change of attitude, a new path, a new feeling, or a new vision of what we are to do. Sometimes this happens quickly. Sometimes it takes a while."
"Open ourselves to the belief that a new and better way will appear, and it will. Open ourselves, for one moment, to the possibility that a Higher Power can create a new way or a new situation or a solution, and we have set the stage for that to happen. Open ourselves to the possibility that we can be restored, and we shall begin that journey."
"For many of us, taking the First Step - facing and admitting the unmanageability, pain, and loss in our lives - felt dark and hopeless. The Second Step takes us out of the darkness and into the light of hope and promise.""This Step offers hope, not the false hope many of us have clung to for years, but real hope in a real recovery. Take it whenever we need to."STEP THREE3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."Many of us have confused ideas about what it means to surrender to the care of God. Anyone who has battled with control issues may have a hard time giving up, giving in, and letting go. Sometimes we surrender too much. We become victimized, we refuse to take care of ourselves, and we blame that on God."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TURNING OVER OUR LIVES AND WILLS"Making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God, is making a decision to live our life with God's help, and we each have a life to live."
"We make a conscious decision to place ourselves and our lives, our internal affairs and external circumstances, over to the care of God. Then, we take responsibility for our lives and allow others to do the same for themselves."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."TO THE CARE OF GOD"Some of us struggle with the concept of God as a result of what we have been through before finding our way to these Steps.""Most of us find that if we stay open, we find our own path to spirituality. Most of us find things work out if we begin with whatever amount of belief, or disbelief, we possess."
"There is a great deal of relief in taking this Step. God is going to help us take care of ourselves.""It is safe, now, to let go of our need to be in control.""We can go to God as our source, our Creator, our inspiration, our guidance, our direction. And we hold ourselves responsible for our behavior and choices.""It is a relationship based on trust - trust in God and trust in self."
AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD"This Step declares that God is an important part of our recovery and our lives. It also states specifically that we are each free to understand God as we choose. This Step is not about religion - although a particular religion may be important in our lives. This Step is coming to terms with a personal relationship with God, as we understand and define God."
"God is not malicious. Not punitive. Not a trickster. Not out to play jokes on us. God may ask us to wait longer than we want, but only if waiting is in our best interests."
"God knows our hearts and God understands our healing needs. God understands the good that is waiting around the corner for us, the good that we can't see yet. God sees the benefit in the lessons we're learning, not just the turmoil, which is what we so often focus on."
"God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves."
TURNING IT OVER"This Step is about willpower, and the limits and the consequences of plowing our way through life running on our own fuel. Many of us have found that we haven't gotten too far or have not arrived at the destination we liked by using our own will."
"We do not have to look around us too long or too hard to find God's will for us and our lives today. It is not hidden from the eye. God's plan for us today is taking care of ourselves the way we want and choose, within the framework of what's happening in our lives today. When it's supposed to be something different, we'll know. We'll get interrupted. We'll be lead into a new circumstance. Or a new circumstance will find us."
"Usually we find God's will by becoming quiet, trusting God and listening to and trusting ourselves. It is a place found in peace and trust, not urgency and intensity.""It is by surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives."
ACCEPTANCE AND GRATITUDE"Gratitude has immense transformational powers - for ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Gratitude helps make things work out well. It helps us feel better while stressful things are happening. Then when things get good, it helps us enjoy the good."
"Focusing on the negative, focusing on the "what's wrong with this picture" is a large part of our codependency. Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives. It helps make things right."
"Gratitude can help bring us to a point of surrender. It can change the energy in us and our environment. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. It releases fear. It helps us move out and move forward. It breeds acceptance, the magic that helps us and our circumstances change.""Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available. Like any tool, thinking about using it isn't enough. It works only when we pick it up in our hands and actually begin using it."
THE FREEDOM OF SURRENDER"This is the surrender Step. Once we surrender, we become free to take care of ourselves, with the assistance of our Higher Power.""Surrender doesn't mean we're helpless. It doesn't mean we surrender to abuse or intolerable circumstances. It means we acknowledge these circumstances, then ask God to help us take care of ourselves in these circumstances."
"We will have to learn to say no; how to set boundaries; how to listen to our feelings, wants, and needs; and how to respond to external circumstances in a reasonable way, one that exhibits self- care, self-love, and respect for others.""Surrendering is how we become empowered to take care of ourselves."
"Turning our will and life over to the care of God takes the control of our life away from others. It also takes the control of others' lives away from us. It sets us free to develop our own connection to our Source and to ourselves, a connection free of the demands, expectations, and plans of another person. It can even set us free from our own demands, expectations, and plans."
"When we stop controlling others and allowing them to control us, we become free to take care of ourselves. The First Step is about powerlessness. This Step is about owning our power to take care of ourselves."
"We can use this Step when we are beginning recovery or when we run into an impasse. We can use it in the big moments of our lives or in the smaller, quieter moments. We can use it in times of confusion or despair, or when we feel stuck and trapped."
"When we have neglected ourselves to the point of despair, confusion, exhaustion, and sometimes self-abuse, we can take this Step. We can surrender to the Highest Plan and Purpose for our lives - the one that includes self-love.""There is another way besides ours, a better one. Taking this Step helps us find that way, even when the next move is a simple one like doing the dishes or watching television."
"This Step isn't about mindlessness or selflessness.""Stepping into God's care is a gentle step, one that brings peace and harmony. That doesn't mean our actions will never cause discord, hurt feelings, or a reaction in others. But there will be a rightness, a naturalness, and a harmony to what we do."
"Taking the Third Step is a starting point for setting our new life in motion. We can do it when we begin recovery. Then we can do it as needed.""Once we have placed ourselves in the care of a Higher Power, the act is complete. Our lives and our wills belong to God."
"People from our past may have abandoned us. God won't. When times get rough, we don't have to wonder whether God is there or whether God cares or whether God knows what is going on."
"God is there. God cares. God's plan is one that we can participate in, one that lets us use each event and circumstance in our lives to bring about our highest good.""Surrender renders us teachable. Humility and giving up make surrender possible. Becoming teachable allows us to learn what we could never have learned, had we not become willing to become students."
"Sometimes we surrender to anything and everything and call it God's will, and then we feel angry and hurt and get mad at God. But this isn't about God, it's about our codependency."
"When we use this Step, we understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also realize that we no longer have to let them control us.""This process of surrender happens not once, but again and again and again as we master a succession of lessons - lessons of healing, liberation, and love. Each time we may think: That's it. Now I've learned. It's free sailing from here on! Then we realize to our relief and delight that we are starting over as beginners again.""Trust this process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go - in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known."
Step Four4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.This is the Step that brings fear, uncertainty, and guilt to those who have been around recovery meetings for a while and have not taken it - or to those who have gone a time without taking it again. It's housecleaning time. Healing time."It's the dreaded Fourth Step."
LOOKING WITHIN OURSELVES"Many of us hide from our pain. Many of us hide from ourselves. Perhaps the last, safest, and strongest holdout from looking at ourselves is blaming our circumstances and condition on others. Focusing on others will neither solve our problems nor bring relief from the pain. It will divert us, but it won't accomplish the work we are seeking. It won't bring healing. Focusing on others won't change our circumstances. Many of us make the mistake of stopping our recovery efforts before we work this Step. We recover long enough to identify with other people's problem and realize it's not our fault. But what we discover is this: If we do not use our present circumstances as a challenge, a trigger, and an invitation to look within, we will find ourselves dancing through a repeat performance."
"Many of us begin recovery from codependency by looking around and outside of ourselves. That's often how life gets our attention. We get mad, whine, rage, manipulate, attempt to control, and point the finger at the other person in absolute insistence that he or she is doing something inappropriate, something we do not like, something we want that person to stop doing.""This is what we call an "outward" focus."
"In this Step, we begin the process of looking within as a response to our circumstances. We make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.""This Step doesn't tell us to make a critical, hostile, blaming inventory of ourselves. It doesn't tell us endlessly to find fault, hold ourselves irresponsible or overresponsible, or others unaccountable. It says: "searching and fearless.""We don't take this Step in lieu of setting boundaries. We don't take this Step to deny what another person is or isn't doing, and the impact of that on our families and our lives. We don't take this Step to deny what we are feeling."
"We take this Step to get to the core of recovery: self-responsibility.""This Step is the beginning of our own housecleaning. It is where we begin looking within for the solution to our problems and pain. It is how we begin healing ourselves and our hearts.""In this Step, we begin to allow the light to come into ourselves."
A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS INVENTORY"Here are some ways people approach this Step:"
"1. An Inventory of Codependent Characteristics""We can list some of the codependent behaviors and characteristics we have been protecting ourselves with, the people involved with these behaviors, and our underlying feelings about them."
"2. A General Biographical Sketch""This is an easy way to dive into this Step. Sit down with pencil and paper and write about yourself. Start simple. Where were you born? Then let the process take over. Write what comes to mind about yourself and your life - from childhood to present. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do it perfectly. After doing this first sketch, you many want to move on to the Fifth Step and talk to someone about what you've discovered. Or, you may want to move to the next layer of yourself.""Remember, this Step is not about being nice and appropriate. It's about getting it all out. Your biography isn't going to be published. Let yourself go, and say what you need and want to say."
"3. A Specific Biographical Sketch""Some people prefer to focus on one area of their lives, such as relationships, family, or work history. This can be useful if you find yourself blocked in a particular area. Write about your history in that one area, starting at the beginning.""The more we write about ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, the more helpful this work is."
"4. A Big-Book Fourth Step""This approach (covered on pages 64 through 71 of Alcoholics Anonymous, "the Big Book:) is the original approach suggested for a Fourth Step. This version calls for an honest stocktaking of ourselves. It is simple and straightforward. We write down the names of people we resent, and why. We write down what part of our lives we feel those people have affected or harmed. On our list of resentments, we include "people, institutions or principles with whom we are, or were angry." For instance, "I'm resentful toward my friend because she doesn't call me often enough, and that affects my social life and my feelings of well-being.""In this Fourth Step, we may want to cover all the troublesome areas of our lives - anger, resentment, fear, sex, and money - reviewing each area thoroughly and with an attitude of self- acceptance, not shame."
"5. Things We've Done Wrong""This can be an honest appraisal of the things we've done that we feel guilty about. This Step can help us clarify our own acts and words that cause guilt and shame, so we can be done with past guilt. It can also help clarify our inappropriate guilt - feelings of guilt that aren't really our own, but belong to others. We can be done with that, too. This is the place to let go of our rationalizations, our justifications, and look within.""Not listening to, not trusting, ourselves is a moral issue. Not liking and loving ourselves is a moral issue, and it is the heart and core of our codependency."
"6. Wrongs Others Have Done to Us""Taking a Fourth Step from this vantage point can help us get it all out. We can list all our victimizations from day one. What people, institutions, places, and beliefs have victimized or hurt us? How and why? How did this affect our lives? How does this make us feel? Did we have any part in this? For instance, did we say yes to someone when we could have said no? Why didn't we? What did we fear might happen if we took care of ourselves? Why didn't we own our power with that person? What was the belief stopping us from taking care of ourselves?""Have a good gripe session on paper. Whine once and for all so we can be done with it and heal."
"7. An Asset Inventory""So much of our codependency involves difficulty seeing what's good about ourselves and our lives. Seeing what's wrong can come so easily. It can be helpful to do a Fourth Step on our good qualities, our talents, our values, and what's right about us. It may also be, as one woman said, the hardest Fourth Step we've ever done."
"8. A List of Anger, Fear - and Shame""Write down a list of everyone we're mad at, everything we're afraid of, and everything we hate about ourselves. Dump it all. This is a simple approach to this Step. Just make a list of who or what, past and present, bothers you. Bothers means "causes you to feel upset, afraid, angry, helpless, outraged, indignant, hurt, ashamed, guilty, worried, or disturbed." Bothers also means "triggers any type of reaction in you, including caretaking or controlling." You can include things about yourself and your life that bothers you. You can include things about others, relationships, or work that bothers you.
But we won't know what to let go of and change until we do our Fourth Step work. The bottom line is this: If we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe people will hurt us and take advantage of us, they probably will.""Our goal of this Step is to open up and heal the emotional part of ourselves."
LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES"Besides identifying and healing from past feelings, incidents, and beliefs, there is another important benefit from working this Step. Some people call the Twelve Steps a "selfish" program. That's true. We do this program for ourselves, no matter whose problem got us into the Steps, no matter who we originally came to these Steps to help. But these Steps are also a self-esteem program. We work them to be done with shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. We work these Steps to learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us."
"This Step helps us learn to switch from a shame-based system to a system of loving and accepting ourselves - as is. We are clearing up our guilt and shame.""When doing this Step, do not forget to list the wrongs we may have done to ourselves: telling ourselves that it is not okay to be who we are; punishing and rejecting ourselves for being that; treating ourselves in any manner that is less than what we deserve. Not loving, accepting, nurturing, and cherishing ourselves are some of the most abusive wrongs we can do."
"By the time we reach this Step, we are called upon to do some focused work. It can be intense. What are we searching for? The darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves, loving others, and letting others love us - the side that blocks us from finding the love and happiness we want and deserve.""Don't worry about doing this Step perfectly. Don't worry about doing it well enough. This Step will work if we make an effort to work it. It will start a process. It will move us forward o our journey. Choose a way to do this Step, then do it. Be as honest as possible. Be open. Be willing to do what feels right for you, when it feels right to do that. You don't have to let it overwhelm you. Some people feel so critical of themselves when they begin recovery, they need to wait a year or two to work this Step."
"If you don't feel ready, don't worry about it. Like the other Steps, this one will find you, when it's time. You'll know when it's time."
OPENING OUR HEARTS TO LOVE"We work these Steps to heal from our pain, fear, guilt, and limiting beliefs , but to do that, we must first recognize them. That is our task in this Fourth Step. Those who find the courage to look within are the people most comfortable with themselves and recovery."
"This is the healing Step. This is the healing-the-heart Step. This Step can change lives. Go deep. Go as deep within yourself as you can. Start with the top layer, and let the process take you deeper. Do not be afraid of what you will find. The things that have happened to us may be dark, but our core is beautiful and good."
"Take this Step once, twice, as often as we need. Let the process of looking within become a habitual response to life and life's situations. Not to blame. Not to hold ourselves responsible for the behavior of others. But to explore, understand, take responsibility for, and cherish who we really are. Take this Step to empower and enable ourselves to heal and to take care of ourselves in any circumstances.""If we don't know what our issue is to deal with, ask God to reveal it to us. Ask God to show us what it is we need to face within ourselves. God will answer.""Be honest, but also be gentle and understanding with ourselves as we work this Step."Step Five5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."I believe this Step has two important implications: the focused Fifth Step confessional work we are called upon to do when we formally take this Step; and the practice of appropriate honesty and vulnerability with the people we relate to in our lives. Let's talk about both."
"ADMITTED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING""Some call codependence a disease, an illness. Others call it a problem. Some don't know what to call it. Some don't even like to call it "codependency." But many, including some original Al-Anon members, call it a "soul-sickness". What we do in recovery is to practice the daily behaviors that we call "recovery". What we are seeking are psychic and soul-level changes in ourselves, changes that can be manifested in our lives and our relationships, beginning with our primary relationships with ourselves."
"To begin that process, it is imperative that we unearth, release, get rid of, and be done with shame, fear, guilt, secrets, and anything else inside us that bothers us, causes us to feel less than, weighted down by, burdened by, and bad about ourselves. The way to do that is by opening our mouths and getting it out. It is a simple but effective way to begin healing ourselves. We simply tell the truth about ourselves to ourselves, to another person, and to God in an attitude of self- responsibility, acceptance, and forgiveness."
"If we have done the work called for in the Fourth Step, if we have sat down and inventoried ourselves, we have started to shake up our souls. We have reached in with a Brillo pad and begun to scrub loose the debris and film within, those things blocking us from living the life we want. No matter what form of Fourth Step we use, no matter if we do a small, medium, or large one, we have loosened some things that need immediately to be washed away."
"Once we start this process of loosening the "stuff" within, we will often notice it more. We may feel the weight of it all. We may begin to notice the feelings, needs, guilt, and burden of what we have carried around. We need to set up an appointment to talk about this soon. We need to move quickly on to this Step to do the washing away and cleansing of all that has been loosened."
"It's important to take a Fifth Step soon after completing our Fourth Step inventory. Some people suggest making an appointment to take a Fifth Step before we begin working on the Fourth, giving ourselves about two weeks. They suggest beginning on deadline to do the Fourth and going immediately in for the "cleansing" part. However we do it, we can do ourselves a favor and move quickly to this Step. With many of the Steps there is no rush to move on to the next. This one is an exception."
"Just as it's important to do our Fifth Step soon after we write our inventory, it's also important to choose carefully the person with whom we take our Fifth Step. Some people choose to do Fifth Step work with clergy. Others prefer not to. Some people choose a trusted program sponsor to do this work with. Others search around until they find the right person. An important criterion is that we take the Fifth Step with someone experienced in listening to Fifth Steps, someone who has done it before, and knows what we're looking for, someone who can assist and lead us through the process."
"Sometimes it's helpful to use word-of-mouth references to locate our Fifth Step person. If we're having trouble locating someone, if we feel stuck, we can ask around for references at our groups. We can also contact the local Intergroup office (the Twelve Steps headquarters) for the Twelve Step group we attend. If our group doesn't have a local Intergroup, we can contact Al- Anon."
"Sometimes we find that the most troublesome things - for many of us, stealing something when we were younger; for others our flaws about ourselves and our lives - don't seem so bad once we get them into the light. We learn that nobody is perfect and nobody needs to be. But when something bothers us, we need to get it out into the light to be healed from it. If it's bothering us, we need to talk about it. And the more it bothers us, the more shame and self-hatred it causes, the more it controls us and our lives, the more important it is to bring it out."
"DAILY HONESTY""Another part of this Step, besides making an appointment and taking a formal Fifth Step, is learning to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves."
"It is good for the soul to learn to reach out when we need to do that. We aren't a bother. We aren't a burden.""If we want to take down the walls in our relationships, we need to take down our walls. That is an effective and appropriate use of our power."
"ADMITTED TO GOD AND TO OURSELVES""We've talked about telling another person about our shortcomings, wrongs, mistakes, failures, secrets. We've talked about sharing ourselves with others - who we are, what we feel, want, need, think, and desire. There are two more parts to this Step."
"We need to tell God about ourselves. Quietly, loudly, silently, during our morning meditation, our afternoon break, or our evening walk, we need to say, God, this is who I am. This is what I did. This is what I think. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm going through. This is what I'm worried about. These are my fears, my hopes. These are my old beliefs. This is what I think I can't deal with, what I can't do. This is what I need help with. Hey, God, this is me."
"We need the power to be honest, open, and vulnerable with our Higher Power. When we can do that, we will achieve the highest form of spirituality.""We are not burdening God by bringing ourselves to God. That's what God wants. And God cares, that much."
"Besides telling God, we need to tell ourselves who we are, what we want, what we have done, our wrongs, our secrets, our good points, our beliefs. We need to admit to ourselves what we are really feeling, what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial.""We need to be honest with ourselves."
"SETTING OURSELVES FREE""Even after we take formal Fourth and Fifth Steps, even after we take several, even when we are working hard at recovery and trying to stay honest, we have fears, limiting beliefs, and resentments. We make mistakes. Sometimes these are judgement calls we make during certain periods of our lives when we are afraid and trying to survive. Sometimes these are manipulations. Sometimes they cross the line into dishonesty. We do a thing we really are not comfortable with; we violate our own moral code; and we tuck away the guilty thing, and all the feelings that go with it, right down inside ourselves."
"We may live with this for a period of time, barely noticing, until one day it emerges. There it stands, right before our eyes. We've got a new list of fears, or shame. We did something wrong, and we've been denying, justifying, and rationalizing it for a time - sometimes a long time. Then panic may strike. What do we do? Do we run and hide? Do we keep denying it? Or do we use these wonderful Steps as a tool to free ourselves from the darker side of being human?"
"Thank God for these Steps. Thank God we no longer have to live in guilt and shame. Thank God we no longer have to try to be perfect. Thank God we no longer have to hide from ourselves and others. Thank God the gift of this program is healing, self-acceptance, and a bond - a deep connection with others, ourselves, and our Higher Power."
"We are finally free to be who we are. We are trust that when and if we are to become more, that will happen by taking the simple actions called for in these Steps."
"THE CLEANSING STEPS""Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Many people pair Steps Four and Five together because they are integrally connected. That's how we work them. That's how they find us."
"Learn to allow Step Five to follow Step Four quickly in our lives. Learn to open up quickly, admit to God, a person, and ourselves, what it is we need to admit - a feeling, a belief, a discovery about ourselves, or some hidden wrongdoing from which we need relief, release, and healing."
"These are cleansing Steps, freeing Steps.""The Fourth and Fifth Steps are our tools for releasing and healing ourselves. We write an inventory of what's bothering us, then we verbalize our part and our responsibility to another person, ourselves, and our Higher Power. We take responsibility for ourselves. We accept situations and ourselves the way we are."
"The Fourth and Fifth Steps can be used as needed. We can do them formally, by writing an inventory and making an appointment to discuss it, or informally, whenever things arise in the course of our lives that need attention. These two Steps give us the formula for healing from our pasts, from our old negative beliefs, from repressed feelings, from mistakes, from all that we are striving to be healed from."
"Learn to connect with ourselves honestly and emotionally, so we can do the same with others."
"Be open to using the process, the tools defined in the Fourth and Fifth Steps. Do this to initiate change and healing in ourselves, trusting that it will bring positive results; harmony with others and good feelings about ourselves. When we are confused about our part in an incident or who to talk to about it, wait for guidance, but do not wait too long."
"These Steps give us permission to be who we are, to forgive and love ourselves, and to forgive and love others. These Steps give us a formula for self-care in relationships: looking within, and honesty with self, God, and others.""The Fifth Step gives us permission to be human, vulnerable, and honest. It gives us permission to have emotions."
"This is the telling-the-truth Step. Use it as often as necessary. This is the Step that will set us free."Step Six6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.Six and Seven are perhaps the most unnoticed, unused, mistrusted Steps in the Twelve. They are also some of the most powerful. These are the Steps whereby we become transformed. These are the Steps that actually change us.""OUR PROTECTIVE DEVICES"
"... this philosophy doesn't give anyone permission to continue to harm themselves or another person, but it seems more compassionate.""Whether we call them defects of character or our protective devices, what are we looking at in this Step? What are we becoming ready to ask God to heal us from? What are we becoming willing to let go of?""Our tight grasp on peopleControllingManipulationOur fearsOld feelings that may be clogging us upNegative, limiting beliefsWorryThe need to blame our pain on othersWaiting to be happy""We become ready to let go of our fear of being controlled - which for many of us is as great, or greater than, our desire to control or manipulate another. We let go of allowing others to control us, our lives, or our happiness.""We become ready to let go of our caretaking - our tendency to focus on the problems, issues, feelings, needs, choices, and lives of another; the underlying belief that we are responsible for others.""We become willing to be healed from the issues underlying caretaking: weak or inappropriate boundaries or limits; an unclear sense of self, self-responsibility, and the responsibilities of others.""We become willing to be healed from the belief that others, or ourselves, are incompetent and cannot take care of us.""We become ready to let go of:""Low self-esteemOur self-neglect, and the belief that we aren't responsible forourselves and cannot take care of ourselvesOur desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for, usSelf-rejectionSelf-hatredLack of self-trustLack of trust in God, life, and the process of recoveryOur trust issues with people - inappropriately placed trust and nottrusting when it is appropriateOur addictionsGuiltShame - that pervading sense that who we are is not okay""We become ready to let go of our inability to own our power, to think, feel, be who we are, take care of ourselves, and enjoy life. We become ready to let go of our difficulty with setting appropriate boundaries and limits with people.""We become ready to let go of our reluctance to feel and deal with our feelings:""Our difficulty dealing with and expressing angerOur inability to experience joy and loveOur negativity, hopelessness, and despairOur fear of joy and loveOur fear of commitmentA closed mind, or a closed heartOur attraction to unavailable people and dysfunctional systemsOur need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systemsOur need to be perfectOur abuse from childhoodOur need to be victims and our participation in our own victimization""We become ready to let go of our fear of intimacy and closeness, and our relationship- sabotaging behaviors. We become willing to let go of our problems and fears with sexuality.""We become ready to let go of our blocks and barriers to joy and love, even when we cannot name those blocks and barriers. We ask God to take away everything that stands in the way of us having all we deserve in our lives. We ask God to show us the blocks or defects we need to be willing to let go of, and help us become willing to let go of them all.""We become ready to be healed from our pasts, from unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, and grief over the many losses we've endured. We become ready to let go of the negative beliefs that we latched onto as a result of our pasts: that we're unlovable, a disappointment, a burden, not good enough, stupid, unworthy, a problem, and a bother.""We become ready to let go of all of our "don't deserves": don't deserve love, happiness, success. Don't deserve a new hat, a new coat, a new car. Don't deserve to be heard, cared for, have fun, or enjoy life.""We get ready to let go of the entire codependent package. Whatever we uncovered in our work on our Fourth and Fifth Steps, whatever we become aware of during the daily course of our recoveries, whatever we don't like, don't want, can't stand, feel helpless about, and want to be done with, we become willing to let go of.""Anything that is no longer useful; any behavior or belief that gets in our way - these are what we become ready to release.""The deeper we're willing to go, the deeper the healing we will receive.""Do not limit the use of this Step to defects. This Step works on feelings, and feelings aren't defects. If we get stuck in a particular feeling, especially fear, anger, resentment, grief, or sadness, we can become willing to let go of that.""There is no behavior too large or too small to be worked on in this Step. When we take this Step, when we become entirely ready to have God remove our protective devices, we are on the way to becoming changed.""BECOMING READY TO LET GO""If there is any struggle to recovery, if there is a difficult, frustrating, grueling part, it can be when we become aware of the devices that once protected us but have now become self- defeating. It is when we become ready to let go.""We may have spent years behaving in a certain way without having any awareness of, or experiencing noticeable consequences from, this behavior. Then, suddenly, it becomes time to change. We begin to notice that behavior. We bump into it, over and over again. We begin to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness, our own inability to change. And we wonder how things will or can ever be any different.""That's when it's time to remind ourselves that we are changing. Right now, we are in the process of becoming changed. That's how this program of recovery works.""That's how we become ready. We bet pelleted, sometimes bombed, by awareness. That's how life gets our attention. Awareness. Acceptance. And change. Our part in this process is becoming ready to let go, becoming ready to have God take it from us.""We can start where we are and with who we are, and that is good enough for this program to work. We can ask for help getting ready to let go.""Becoming ready to let go is not something that can be taught. But it is something that each of us can learn, through practice. Don't worry. If we stay in recovery circles long enough, we will.""The readiness will be worked out in us.""We can rely on the Step. We can trust what happens when we take this Step. If we aren't ready or willing to let go of our defects or any person or anything, we can ask our Higher Power to help us become willing and ready.""THE LETTING GO STEP""This is not a do-it-ourselves program. We are not abdicating self-responsibility. But we are learning to trust God, trust this process, and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For now, our part is becoming ready to let go.""Lessons don't go away. They keep repeating themselves until we learn. In fact, when it's time to change, it becomes harder to stay than it does to change.""This Step gives us permission to relax, trust, and become willing. It gives us permission to be who we are and let this process of change happen to us.""Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) suggests that after doing our Fifth Step, we seclude ourselves and ask God to remove our defects of character, our shortcomings. It's important to take this Step, and take it big, after doing a Fourth and Fifth Step.""This is the letting-go Step. It is the beginning of transformation. It begins the process of receiving what we want and need from our Higher Power. Become ready to let go of all that stands in our way, of all that bothers, troubles, defeats, or perplexes us, of all that we cannot control. Become ready to let go of what we don't want any more and what we truly desire. Then, move on to the Seventh Step and watch what happens."Step Seven7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings."Yes, there are some things about us - about you and me - that we need to get rid of. But we need to keep who we are, ourselves, our inherent personalities, and the traits and qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us special and unique.""HUMBLY ASK GOD"
"Aside from our fear about what will happen to us if we are without our defects and what it means to have our defects removed, there is really only one idea in this Step to discuss. We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. That does not mean we holler at God to change us. It does not mean we demand. It does not mean we have to whimper, grovel, beg, plead, or incessantly ask.""What this Step means is that we acknowledge that God is the power. We acknowledge the difference between God and ourselves: God is all-powerful; we aren't and don't have to be. Some things we just can't do ourselves. Changing ourselves is one of those things."
"So we ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.""We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.""It helps to say "please".""TRUSTING THE PROCESS"
"It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process. It doesn't hurt, at least not any more than necessary to heal us from past hurts or to get our attention. It is a palatable process, and even the pain becomes palatable, once we become willing to feel instead of resist, once we become willing to surrender.""..... I struggled for a while - with myself. I'd try to stop but find myself unable to.
Or, I'd stop the behavior but I'd still want to do it. I'd try harder. Fail. Then finally surrender. I'd stop flailing about and let myself be.""That's when gifts came. Gifts like detachment. Letting go. Realizing deep within me that I couldn't control another. That doesn't mean I did it perfectly or that the gifts all came at once. But over the years, letting go gradually replaced the need to control."
"It doesn't mean the need and desire to control doesn't come back.""Some of that we accept. Stay alert. Become more aware. Catch ourselves. But let ourselves learn and grow. Develop a certain gentleness and compassion with ourselves, for our humanness. Let the transformation happen."
"A desire to control to control can be tempered with appropriate boundaries and respect and then channeled into management and leadership abilities.""All the energy we put into despising and disliking ourselves can be turned positive, can be used to love ourselves."
"Some of the endless caretaking and care giving we gave away to the world can be turned toward us, until we truly learn to love and take care of ourselves.""The longer we work these Steps, the better perspective on ourselves and our pasts we'll gain. The more fully we allow healing to take place concerning our pasts, the more we will see and be open to receiving the gifts from our past.""Once we work through our bitterness, we will be able to receive the gift from each relationship, even the most painful ones."
"We will be healed. Self-love and love for others will come to us. Perhaps the most healing gift of all is self-acceptance, an immediate, ever-present acceptance of self, of all we are and have been, and of all we have been through. The more we can accept ourselves, the more we will naturally evolve into who we are destined to become."
"This Step does not absolve us of self-responsibility. But we don't have to worry or fret. We don't have to force our recoveries. We don't have to abase or criticize ourselves further because we are unable to change something about ourselves. Our primary task is acceptance and self- love. From that place, all good things will happen and come to us."
"The process will work, and it will work it's magic on us, if we allow that to happen. Sometimes it works even when we resist. We will find ourselves being changed, right down to the core of ourselves, in ways that we could not do for ourselves.""And it happens naturally, if we let it."
"This Step gives us permission to be who we are. We say please help me. Please change me. From that moment on, we can be who we are and let the changes happen."
"Yes, we do have a part in this process. That part is applying ourselves to the Steps. There are tasks at hand, and we will be shown and helped to do whatever it is we are to do, when we are to do it. But the task in this Step is simple. This is the "humbly asking God for what we need" Step. It gives us permission to come as we are and bring our needs and desires to our Higher Power. We say please, then trust that we have been heard."
"THE TRANSFORMATION STEPS""Steps Six and Seven are the transformation Steps.""Become willing. Become open. Say please. And cherish who you are now, in this moment."
"Nothing, nothing, can interfere with the good that is coming your way in life, and in this program called recovery."
"This Step does not eliminate us. It embraces and brings together the beauty of that innocent, natural child in each of us and combines it with the wisdom of our experiences. It enables us to realize our potential fully."
"Our gifts will become enhanced and accentuated. Our idiosyncrasies will become acceptable, at times laughable. Our negatives will be illuminated, lightened, eliminated, or made bearable."
"Ask God to help us. Ask God to change us. Ask God to heal us. Become entirely ready to have God heal us, then humbly ask God to do that. That is the essence of the Sixth and Seventh Steps.""And they are the core of our healing."Step Eight8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.Step Eight Outlined"In this chapter we're going to explore how to use this Step to further our health and growth, as this Step applies to our codependency. There are two pertinent ideas in this Step: making a list, and becoming willing to make amends to everyone on it."
"MAKING OUR LISTS""As we work this Step the first list we may want to make is a list of those who have harmed or wronged us. I understand this is a controversial idea and not what the Step says.
"We have been wronged. We have allowed ourselves to be harmed. Sometimes, as children, we had no choice and no way to protect ourselves. Sometimes we feel wronged by many, and not just as children. Who hurt us? Who do we feel victimized, mistreated, used, or abused us? Who has rejected us, spurned us, caused us pain? Who do we resent, fear, or avoid because they have hurt us? Who are we rejecting because of what the other person has done and because of our inability to take care of ourselves with that person?"
"Make a list. Put every name you can think of on that list. If you have done your inventory work thoroughly, you should have gotten most of the details and grievances out of yourself. If you find new thoughts emerging and need time to write about them, do so."
"Once you have finished that list, put it aside. Take out another sheet of paper and make your second list. This list is just as important as the first one. This is the list of people you have harmed."
"Now we are entering into some exacting, focused work. Often, it is helpful to pray for Divine Guidance and wisdom as we embark on this project. Who, exactly, have we harmed with our codependent behaviors? Do not suppress yourself by worrying now if you are going to have to apologize to these people or what you are going to say, or whether you will look foolish. It is not yet time to address those issues. For now, we are focusing on making a detailed list of those we have harmed."
"As we make this list, be firm but compassionate with ourselves. Avoid wallowing in guilt. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not the purpose of this list. Being done with guilt and shame is our goal here."
"Do not be obsessive. Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings. Look at your behavior in a quiet frame of mind and allow the names to emerge that need to be on your list."
"Now, let's move on to finances. To whom do you owe money as a result of your codependency? Put their names on the list. Perhaps we have borrowed and not repaid. We many have lied or manipulated to get money that was not legitimately ours out of fear or a need to survive."
"Perhaps we got so enmeshed in our codependency that we neglected our fiscal responsibilities. Put the names of the people we - not someone else - owe money to."
"As we consider and make this list, strive for a peaceful balanced frame of mind. If guilt or anxiety overtakes us, put pencil or pen down, stop, and retreat into a peaceful place. When our balance has been restored and we are making our lists from peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves, return to work."
"This Step requires soul-searching. It is not a Step to punish us nor is it a Step to remind us of our need to feel guilty. It is a Step to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord."
"We need to be open to guidance as we work this Step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling that we call codependency is unearned guilt. If we find ourselves enmeshed in unearned guilt, it may help to make a separate list: people we haven't harmed but feel guilty about anyway. Sometimes if we have an abundance of unearned guilt with a particular person, we may want to look behind the unearned guilt and see if there is some hurt or anger lurking there, anger disguising itself as guilt."
"Now we are approaching our third list. It is as important as the other two we have made; maybe this one is the most important. For years I have heard this idea bandied about in recovery circles, but we need to take action on it, particularly as it relates to recovery from codependency. The name that goes on that third list is our own name."
"We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our codependency. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely undemanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong."
"Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong.""Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong."
"Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrong - regardless of the degree of abuse. It is not okay to let ourselves be talked to or touched inappropriately."
"It is simply not okay to allow ourselves to be victimized.""Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong.""Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong.""Being ashamed of ourselves is wrong."
"Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves is devastating. We can spend a lifetime punishing ourselves and allowing others to hurt us, too.""Every behavior we list as codependent is in truth a wrong done toward ourselves. Sometimes it involves a wrong done to someone else, too. We need to be absolutely honest about both. Until we do, we will not have the map for the rest of our recovery."
"This is the Step where we come to terms with that idea. This is the Step where we list all persons we have harmed. Until our name goes, in ink, on that list, our lists and our recoveries will be incomplete."
"It may be helpful to take this Step in small spurts. Guilt and anxiety are our weak points, anyway. Let your list be an ongoing project, adding to it as names and incidents enter your awareness. Work on it a little each day. Then do something peaceful and relaxing immedi
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This is so helpful, just started reading it! Have been to 4 Al Anon meetings only so far.
Is it possible you could copy this into a message and send it to me on here please?
Thank you x
Did u get my message?