Medication Failure

I began thinking I could get away with this. That I could slip out of the grip of OCD without penalties. The medication worked, so bad days became minimal at the most. And then it happened. . .

I tried to take down my dose by 50 mg (I'm on 150 mg of sertaline.) I just wanted the small tremors that never left to leave. Well, I didn't like the results of that life choice, so I started taking my full dose again. Not a big deal. I feel many people are tempted to adjust their dose. No, I shouldn't have done this without a physician. But my psychiatrist retired, and it's hard to make myself pick a new one. Plus, I stupidly crave a degree of overconfidence. So I did it alone. 

Since that moment, life has not been the same. The OCD began creeping back, like lengthening days in scorching heat. And then it occured to me that I would probably have to switch medication. I'm pretty sure my little game with the dose gave me a tollerance to my med, and it's worsening each day. 

I thought of blaming myself for this mess. But the reality with Zoloft (Sertaline) is that if any tollerance is built, it is likely to occur between two and three years. I've been on this medication just under two years. So, it likely would have happened sometime soon, anyway. Regardless of the reason, I'm choosing not to play the blame game, and to address the situation.

I've been struggling with OCD since childhood, and it's unlikely to go away, since I am over 25 and it has not at all lessened. I was diagnosed only two years ago, and it changed my life. Just knowing this isn't all my fault. Heck, most of this is a genetic issue that messes with my seratonin. Definatly not my fault. My responsibility is not to take blame, but responsibility. Yeah, well my main concern around the time of my diagnosis was not killing myself, so I took the medication happily (well, sort of. I became happy about it, anyway.) Successfully medicated on the first try! I felt home free. 

Two years later, and I'm ready to try something else. After addressing a lot of other health problems, and getting a stable job with a consistent schedule and pay, I feel a bit of fight rising in me. So, my glorious plan to handle the building tollerance to Zoloft is to get a psychiatrist, and with their suppervision, get off my medication. Then it's CBT (which I'm working towards now) and a chance to handle this dissorder without a prescription in hand. 

Wish me luck!