Measuring Progress I\'m learning that it\'s not consistent ...
I know many of us have come a long way in this journey of sorrow... I honestly felt some better when I didn't come completely apart at the one year mark... I thought... maybe now it will be better... and then Thanksgiving and Christmas were coming... and I was somewhat afraid of how I'd deal with it... because even though they were the second Thanksgiving and Christmas after Cara died.... for me last year was so bad... Cara died October 30th, 2006 so it wasn't even a month to Thanksgiving... Hell I was almost comatose so blind and hurting... I just wanted to be dead myself so I didn't really know anything about what I felt or anything... I was miserable... So this year I was dreading the approach of holidays that I would be aware of... We made it through.... so again I was hopeful... Then the New Year... I put on my positive attitude... and I was feeling like maybe I could do this... I was kind of expecting to feel stronger more consistently... And this is one of the harder parts for me to deal with... the many times I fall backwards into the pit... So today I'm a little bit ok... but I'm afraid to trust it... I think maybe now I have to accept that it may continue this way for some time and maybe for the rest of my life... I have to accept it as I have accepted Cara's death... I hate it... but I have to live with it... so I better make the best of it... when I can... and when I can't... I guess I'll cry... and then hopefully I'll pick up and go on... like every one of us has to do... and I'll be tolerant of myself... Maybe I won't be so angry or feel so much like a cry baby if I can do that... So I mentioned all of this so maybe yall could tell me how its different or the same for you....
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I think for me that there came a point of acceptance...not accepting that my son is dead, don\'t think I ever will do that, but accepting that this hurts and that grief is unpredictable and that I have to adapt to it. There are very real changes in mental, physical and emotional function due to grief, and understanding that, accepting that, I think allowed me to stop expecting myself to function as pre-bereavement. My entire world changed, how could I not be changed? So I try to be patient with myself and find it less frustrating. It is okay honor our feelings. ((((love & hugs))))
I don\'t think I have reached the acceptance point yet. Don\'t know if I every will. I try but I feel like a mouse running on a wheel. Getting no place fast. Going through the motions of life some minutes better than others.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. Have a nice weekend. love lucille
Elissa,
You may remember that Robin died November 11th, right after Cara, so I had that same time frame to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas immediately afterwards and I think that I too, just went through the motions, mainly for her kids, but it was a very sad, hard time to get through for all of us. Even my litte 6 year old grandson (Robin\'s nephew) has had a hard time with it. He asked me the other day what it meant when someone was troubled by something. I told him that it was when someone was worried or upset about something. He said, \"Like I am about Aunt Robin?\" And I told him yes, like you are about Aunt Robin. He says that he misses her and it makes him sad. I think he has a hard, hard time with the thought that they buried \"Aunt Robin\" in the dirt. He just couldn\'t believe it. I have days now when I just plain miss Robin, miss talking to her, seeing her, just knowing that she was here on this earth. It\'s just a sad longing for what I know that I had and will not have again, not in this life. I haven\'t had a complete meltdown in a while now, just guiet tears now and then. I think that the fact that life goes on just the same as if nothing happened really has the power to surprise me. I don\'t think that I have reached a point of acceptance over Robin\'s death and the things that have transpried because of it, I don\'t know that I ever will. I am just trying to life my life and try and let everyone else life theirs. Love and hugs to you!! Kathie