Measuring Progress I\'m learning that it\'s not consistent ...

I know many of us have come a long way in this journey of sorrow...    I honestly felt some better when I didn't come completely apart at the one year mark... I thought... maybe now it will be better...  and then Thanksgiving and Christmas were coming... and I was somewhat afraid of how I'd deal with it...  because even though they were the second Thanksgiving and Christmas after Cara died.... for me last year was so bad... Cara died October 30th, 2006 so it wasn't even a month to Thanksgiving...  Hell I was almost comatose so blind and hurting... I just wanted to be dead myself so I didn't really know anything about what I felt or anything... I was miserable...  So this year I was dreading the approach of holidays that I would be aware of...   We made it through.... so again I was hopeful... Then the New Year... I put on my positive attitude... and I was feeling like maybe I could do this... I was kind of expecting to feel stronger more consistently...  And this is one of the harder parts for me to deal with... the many times I fall backwards into the pit...  So today I'm a little bit ok... but I'm afraid to trust it... I think maybe now I have to accept that it may continue this way for some time and maybe for the rest of my life...  I have to accept it as I have accepted Cara's death... I hate it... but I have to live with it... so I better make the best of it... when I can... and when I can't... I guess I'll cry... and then hopefully I'll pick up and go on... like every one of us has to do... and I'll be tolerant of myself... Maybe I won't be so angry or feel so much like a cry baby if I can do that... So I mentioned all of this so maybe yall could tell me how its different or the same for you....