Meaning well, but...
Ok, I know my mum means well when she tries to 'encourage' me about all of this, but I can't help feeling angry and hurt by what she says. To her most 'negative' things are a choice, including depression. According to her, you can CHOOSE to sit there and walllow and feel bad for no reason OR you can CHOOSE to get off the couch/out of bed and be happy about life.
It's obvious to me that she's never been truly depressed in life. Yes, she's had a rough life and all, but seriously, if she truly suffered from depression she'd know you can't choose that crap, you can't choose to just be happy when everything in you is screaming pain and sadness! Oh, and she's a registered nurse on top of that, so she SHOULD know that depression is now classified as a mental illness and is NOT chosen, but I digress...
Normally her advice about things is ridiculous to me, so I rarely if ever talk to her about things. I mentioned something in passing today because it had relevance to something funny that happened. Her instant reaction to the comment of my hubby being sad/depressed about the IF and everyone at work having kids or announcing pregnancies was to immediately try to 'diagnose' problems and tell me how my hubby's recent finding of a major UI causing bladder issues and inflammation (of the bladder and upper urethra) could be causing 'extra' troubles with our IF struggles. Like we hadn't thought of that ourselves?
Then she tries to be helpful by saying things like "maybe now that he's on the meds to help with the inflammation and you're on these other drugs to help with your ovulation, it'll work now!" I know she's just wishing she had more grandchildren, but she's not helping me. No matter what I say to her though, she wont stop with the unhelpful advice!
The one thing she used to say a lot, and still occasionally says, is "hurry up and get pregnant so I have a grandbaby that I know WON'T be taken away from me!" (of 6 nieces and nephews, only one is a part of our lives thanks to my brothers choosing the wrong women to have kids with; by wrong women I mean the kind that see babies as extra paychecks and will do ANYTHING to make sure no one takes their extra money away from them, the ones that sit on their arses and collect welfare or government assistance)
I feel guilty whenever I get angry with her about it. The anger and hurt tend to take over, which is easier to do now than it was 4 years ago (near the start of this trail of IF failures). I don't know what to say to her to get her to see that her opinions on my IF hurt more than they help. I hate how IF makes every day a struggle and how even small comments send me into a spiral of anger, pain and sadness. I hate that I'm crying right now because of all of this. And I especially hate that my hubby, who has always been the strong one, is starting to fall down this same spiral and admitted that he needs someone from outside our families to talk to and can't find anyone who understands our struggles.
It's obvious to me that she's never been truly depressed in life. Yes, she's had a rough life and all, but seriously, if she truly suffered from depression she'd know you can't choose that crap, you can't choose to just be happy when everything in you is screaming pain and sadness! Oh, and she's a registered nurse on top of that, so she SHOULD know that depression is now classified as a mental illness and is NOT chosen, but I digress...
Normally her advice about things is ridiculous to me, so I rarely if ever talk to her about things. I mentioned something in passing today because it had relevance to something funny that happened. Her instant reaction to the comment of my hubby being sad/depressed about the IF and everyone at work having kids or announcing pregnancies was to immediately try to 'diagnose' problems and tell me how my hubby's recent finding of a major UI causing bladder issues and inflammation (of the bladder and upper urethra) could be causing 'extra' troubles with our IF struggles. Like we hadn't thought of that ourselves?
Then she tries to be helpful by saying things like "maybe now that he's on the meds to help with the inflammation and you're on these other drugs to help with your ovulation, it'll work now!" I know she's just wishing she had more grandchildren, but she's not helping me. No matter what I say to her though, she wont stop with the unhelpful advice!
The one thing she used to say a lot, and still occasionally says, is "hurry up and get pregnant so I have a grandbaby that I know WON'T be taken away from me!" (of 6 nieces and nephews, only one is a part of our lives thanks to my brothers choosing the wrong women to have kids with; by wrong women I mean the kind that see babies as extra paychecks and will do ANYTHING to make sure no one takes their extra money away from them, the ones that sit on their arses and collect welfare or government assistance)
I feel guilty whenever I get angry with her about it. The anger and hurt tend to take over, which is easier to do now than it was 4 years ago (near the start of this trail of IF failures). I don't know what to say to her to get her to see that her opinions on my IF hurt more than they help. I hate how IF makes every day a struggle and how even small comments send me into a spiral of anger, pain and sadness. I hate that I'm crying right now because of all of this. And I especially hate that my hubby, who has always been the strong one, is starting to fall down this same spiral and admitted that he needs someone from outside our families to talk to and can't find anyone who understands our struggles.
Replies
Aww, I\'m sorry you\'re having such a tough time. At least you know she means well even though she\'s not helping...it\'s such a typical mom thing. Mine does the exact same thing. Last time she tried to help me find a new endo specialist, I would up crying hysterically.
Maybe you need to take a break from everyone\'s advice and opinions. Give yourself a week or two to just relax and not have to deal with the added stress. Whenever someone tries to talk about it with you, just tell them that you\'re taking a break from it all. I hope things start looking up for you soon :)
Yeah, parents have that desire to \"help\" but sometimes they don\'t realize that what they see as help is really just interference.
I get you with the whole depression thing. My mom would always say \"Have you ever just tried being happy?\" Well, gee, Sherlock! I never thought of THAT! People who haven\'t experienced depression often don\'t understand how crippling it is, or how it feeds on itself. \"No, I couldn\'t get out of bed today and now the house is a mess so I feel even more worthless than before because I can\'t even manage to clean the dishes and here we go again!\"
The parental and well-meaning friend advice can be one of the hardest things about dealing with IF socially. It\'s hard not to construe their advice as condescending or rude. I agree with kDeezy. Sometimes you just have to say \"I\'m taking a break from thinking about it\" (even if you aren\'t) or \"You know what? It\'s a lot more complicated than you understand, and I don\'t feel like elaborating on it. Thanks for trying to help, but please keep your opinions to yourself right now.\" It\'s hard to protect ourselves and also avoid being a bit harsh to people around us when dealing with this. It feels like you either have to suck up the things people say and then cry privately, or tell people to buzz off and then have everyone wonder what\'s your problem. If worse comes to worse, you might have to say \"If you\'re going to bring up IF or babies, then I will not be able to speak to you\". I had to do that with my mom. The minute either topic came up, I\'d hang up the phone. It took awhile (and a lot of grousing) for her to catch on, but eventually she did. I often heard \"But I\'m just trying to HELP.\" To which I had to respond \"You can help by listening to and respecting what I ask.\"
Good luck with it all. If you or DH need a place to talk, that\'s what we\'re all here for. We totally understand!
Thanks kDeezy and whimsicalfool. I try my hardest to not talk about these things with my mum, because of the whole \"I\'m just trying to help\" thing. My mother loves to say that line with venom in her voice and then blame the argument on me too, so that makes things even worse. I\'ve managed to not talk to many people about it, but she always interjects herself into everything I do or don\'t do. I think I\'m going to have to go a few days (or even weeks) with barely talking to her in order to get a break from it all.
whimsicalfool, don\'t get me started on the whole viscous \'I can\'t even keep the house clean!\' cycle! I just looked around me and realized I\'ve not done anything above basic cleaning (haven\'t even vacuumed!) in a week! I managed to dust some of the stuff in the living room a couple days ago, but that\'s about all I did.... and the dishes are piling up... and I\'m home 24/7. I think that\'s part of my problem too, being alone 90% of my day and not getting out of the house other than to walk the dog just adds to my depression.
My DH definitely needs a place to talk, but he\'s not one to come online and spill out his problems... heck I have a hard time getting him to tell me what\'s wrong most days, but he\'s getting better with that.
Hey Calla - I read your post yesterday and wanted to comment, but wasn\'t really in the best frame of mind. I had a very \"scattered\" day, couldn\'t keep my thoughts in one place very long.
I just wanted to say that I can COMPLETELY sympathize with the mom issue. Recently my mom and I had it out via email because I just don\'t, can\'t talk to her much anymore. There are times when my mom is a ROCK, she says and does the perfect things. Then there are other times when she her feet in her mouth, plus a whole lot of other ppl\'s feet. I don\'t get it, I call it her jekyll & hyde (not to her face of course).
We still have a relationship but it\'s minimal and strained but I just can\'t handle her uninformed \"helpful\" comments. I hope it will get better in time but for now, I have to take care of me.
I hope you and your DH can take care of each other and make it through as best as possible.
polydoly, my relationship with my mother is becoming very strained due to several things and the only reason I talk to her on a regular basis is because my father has terminal cancer and I\'m a Daddy\'s Girl. If I cut my mother completely out, I lose him all that much sooner. I couldn\'t bear it.
I wish things were different, for both you and me with our mothers. My mother seems to have Jekyll and Hyde syndrome too. One minute she\'s saying helpful things and the next she\'s tearing me down. It\'s been like this my whole life, so I guess I just got used to it, but now with the infertility it\'s hard to deal with and I realize just how bad she is.
DH and I are each others rocks, him for me more than me for him. Lately he\'s been having a tough time. See he works and I don\'t. I deal with loneliness every day, but he deals with all of his employees (he\'s a kitchen manager at a family restaurant) having kids or getting pregnant and talking about babies constantly at work. Of course he\'s a very private person and has only told his assistant KM about our infertility, so none of them know. We\'re working through issues together though, but he\'s still trying to help me \'fix\' myself.