ME THROUGH MY EYES

Well there are two sides of me. One is me, Kathy and the other is the eating disorder, bulimia. To me, Kathy is just a young girl who tries her best to succeed and tries her best in life basically but i also feel Kathy almost has a bit too many problems. When people look at Kathy, they think she is attractive and nice, but once they get involved with her, they sort of label her as a bad influence or brainless/stupid and she feels that she doesn't get the respect from people she deserves. She mostly feels people just make fun of her for being the way that she is and they don't respect her because maybe she really is brainless. So then she gets tired of being Kathy. She doesn't want to be Kathy. The other side is bulimia. Bulimia is the friend, the comforter whenever things come crashing down. I am tired of being Kathy. I mean, who is Kathy? Is she a naturally pretty girl who is just feels misunderstood and people just look at her and think "she's stupid. Does she have a brain? How stupid is she?" Well I don't want to be Kathy. I want to be the eating disorder. BULIMIA. At least I've got some control. I don't ever want to be fat. I don't want to gain too much weight. Me, as an eating disorder is a pro at keeping secrets and lying to the ones I love and friends that everything is PERFECT. But it's just a PERFECT ILLUSION. Me, as an eating disorder don't want others to see the real me. I just want my friends and others to see me as NORMAL. Not insecure and self-loathed. Me, as BULIMIA at least can KEEP friends and some respect, UNLIKE Kathy. Mostly when you talk to me, Kathy is like a mask. A pretty mask. But then once you unveil the mask, it's not Kathy. You may be talking to Kathy, but really it's the demon that's talking. It's the eating disorder that is talking. Not Kathy. Kathy is just hiding somewhere, afraid, not wanting to be abandoned or left alone. Kathy just tries her best but it's still not good enough. So then I feel the eating disorder is good enough. I'm up to the point where I don't really give a damn to what is happening to my body. Since no one really gives a damn about Kathy. And she's grown up that way, FEELING that NO ONE gives a damn about who she is when she is just trying her best to fit in. They say Kathy's lucky, when she is just so confused and often feel used. But the only thing that Kathy wants is to be okay and KNOW that she is okay, but sadly, she doesn't feel okay. I feel restless and I just want someone to accept me for who I am and accept my flaws and just be there for me. But most of the time, I feel people stay away from me just because as I said again, when I make a mistake, they don't respect me and sadly it's something that I can't beg or take back. And most of the time I just feel like I am a fat, disgusting, useless, dumb cow.