Me in Recovery Intro

My name is Sarah. I am 38 years old and for the first time in 20 years I have truly started recovery. I started my first diet when I was 17 years old. I hadn't really thought about my body or being fat or being anything that I wasn't until I started watch tv and reading magazines. I wish I could still live in the world of innocence where we all see people for who they are and not what they "should" look like. When I realized I was nothing like those girls on "Saved by the Bell" or what I saw in my magazines, I started the horrible cycle of self hate and dieting. I didn't feel like I was worth it. If I didn't feel like I was worth it then I certainly didn't think I deserved to be treated any other way than worthless. I let people walk all over me, not treat me with respect, and became a "yes" person. I'd do whatever people wanted or what I thought they wanted. Boys/men cheated on me in my relationships and I let them but consistently forgiving them and not sticking up for myself. I was always afraid to make my boyfriend or my friends mad so never expressed my feelings or who I was. Instead I ate the emotions. And boy did I eat.

My eating disorder started as strictly binge eating. As I packed on the pounds I went into the yo-yo dieting schedule where I would restrict but that never lasted long. I seriously messed up my body and never knew it. I used diet pills (prescription and otherwise) a lot. Once I had gotten my weight down to something I considered respectable (although I still didn't respect myself) I started to binge and purge. Bulimia became my life. It has owned me for 10 years now. My weight went up and down and up and down and I couldn't stand it. I still can't stand it. But I'm learning to accept it.

Accept it?! You probably think that's crazy. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. Bulimia is not my fault. The first time I heard those words it changed my life. For the first time in 2 decades I have hope. I'm following a program that's new and scary but for the first time I have real hope. I can't begin to explain what that feels like.

Most people don't even know I have bulimia. It does make recovery kind of hard because I feel like there's no one to confide in, but it's not going to stop me. I can do this and for the first time - I FEEL WORTH IT.