Me doing some thinking!
Since I been told I was HIV positive which hasn’t been long compared to some a year and half here. The 1st few months it was surreal I would say I mean in my brain I just keep saying no way can it really be, why me? What I do to deserve this? Which I couldn’t find an answer but I the answer is really no one truly deserves it no one. I hated him for a while for giving it to me not telling me he had it my ex boyfriend for cheating on me lying. But that angry also went away. I didn’t think I could ever forgive him but I did but I didn’t forget. I don’t like that fact I am HIV positive. But I have gotten to the point that I have finally came to grips with it. There is nothing I can do to change the fact I am. All I can do is make sure I keep up with the doctor, stay healthy as a possibly can. Continue on my life journey and hope for the best. Hard to do if you knew me. Seeing I am not the best at being a very positive person. Most the time I don’t see the point in even trying to stay alive, or to fight it. Most the time I figure it would just be easier to give up. That it would be easier to die then to live life alone. I don’t really want to be alone then again who does?
People that do know me find it to be amazing that everything I been thrown that I am even still here and I haven’t already permenty end my life. Though I have tried but I backed out after my attempted and called 911 for help because I thought about my family and friends, which in return made me freak when I thought about their sadness if I was to die. I been threw being molested as a kid, raped, beaten in relationships, lied to and used taken for granted which many people have been. And I’ve been looking at my past and looking back I have come to see that a lot of the bad I been threw was my own doing. Trusting people I shouldn’t have. Believing in people I shouldn’t have, not listening to people that was trying to help and stir me in the right direction. I big draw back to being at a young age you make mistakes some more than others, some mistakes bad others are not and just lessons that need to be learned. For the longest time I wasn’t learning from them at all. I just didn’t care to notice or just ignored the lesson I was being taught. I wish I had now but that can’t be changed no matter how much I wish it to. I know things happen for a reason in life and I try to believe that maybe getting HIV was God’s way of telling me Krystle WAKE UP! Stop being stupid, ignorant, thinking things won’t happen to you, wasting your life, giving time and love to people that don’t deserve it, get your life together, only you can, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and GET OFF YOUR ASS!... Well God might not swear or maybe he would who knows. For the first time I am listening for a change. Needing to change my life and the way I do things. Getting a life, a good job, getting stable and being about to care for myself and not having to depending on people is what I am trying to accomplish now. Going to college getting a career, getting my mind right going to counseling, support groups, meeting new friends, staying close to the ones I have that are rule friends, and keeping in better contact with the family I have that love me no matter what. To stop hating the life I have. When I stopped to think about how people in my passed would take me for granted I stopped and said wait Krystle you do the same thing to yourself, I take my family, friends, the love I get from them, the home I have, clothes, food, not having to worry about if I am going to be homeless or where I would get my next meal. I have taken them things for granted for so long and that I am still breathing that I Krystle myself the person who thinks she’s weak and has no strength no self worth. That I am much stronger then I though I to be I have made it threw everything that has been thrown at me I have pulled threw. I have to see it as I am a bigger person then the ones that have hurt me they are the ones that missed out on being in my life and that is their loss not mine. I am a wonderful person a good friend. If someone can’t see that then that is not my problem it is theirs. I never took the saying the love for one’s self outweighs the love of many..My grandmother use to say that to me all the time and I never really took it to heart or even cared to cause all I wanted was to be accepted by others to be loved by others. But how could someone love me, when I hated myself? They couldn’t which I have come to learn and realize now. Fixing me is the biggest thing I need to.
I don’t know if I am randomly writing just a bunch of gibberish no one cares to read but I like to write and I like to do it for myself more than other people if someone gathers something from it Wonderful if not then it’s okay. I have been told by family, and friends I should write a book about my life and things I have pulled threw and made it out of. But I don’t know if or how I would write it to make it interesting for someone they think it could be inspiring to some people that have been in the same situation that need to know life does go on and it does get better. I am not too sure about this but maybe I will try to do it someday. I have been writing journals since I was 10 years old to take some of them and make it into a good book might be kind of cool and to have people read my story and to take something from it would be a great thing. Money wise I wouldn’t care as long as it helped someone that has been threw the many things as I have it would make my life mean something. To help someone else and not myself. To be remembered for that would be a great thing to leave this world with in my eyes and not the amount of money I may make in my lifetime. Well for now that’s all sorry for that length of it
People that do know me find it to be amazing that everything I been thrown that I am even still here and I haven’t already permenty end my life. Though I have tried but I backed out after my attempted and called 911 for help because I thought about my family and friends, which in return made me freak when I thought about their sadness if I was to die. I been threw being molested as a kid, raped, beaten in relationships, lied to and used taken for granted which many people have been. And I’ve been looking at my past and looking back I have come to see that a lot of the bad I been threw was my own doing. Trusting people I shouldn’t have. Believing in people I shouldn’t have, not listening to people that was trying to help and stir me in the right direction. I big draw back to being at a young age you make mistakes some more than others, some mistakes bad others are not and just lessons that need to be learned. For the longest time I wasn’t learning from them at all. I just didn’t care to notice or just ignored the lesson I was being taught. I wish I had now but that can’t be changed no matter how much I wish it to. I know things happen for a reason in life and I try to believe that maybe getting HIV was God’s way of telling me Krystle WAKE UP! Stop being stupid, ignorant, thinking things won’t happen to you, wasting your life, giving time and love to people that don’t deserve it, get your life together, only you can, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and GET OFF YOUR ASS!... Well God might not swear or maybe he would who knows. For the first time I am listening for a change. Needing to change my life and the way I do things. Getting a life, a good job, getting stable and being about to care for myself and not having to depending on people is what I am trying to accomplish now. Going to college getting a career, getting my mind right going to counseling, support groups, meeting new friends, staying close to the ones I have that are rule friends, and keeping in better contact with the family I have that love me no matter what. To stop hating the life I have. When I stopped to think about how people in my passed would take me for granted I stopped and said wait Krystle you do the same thing to yourself, I take my family, friends, the love I get from them, the home I have, clothes, food, not having to worry about if I am going to be homeless or where I would get my next meal. I have taken them things for granted for so long and that I am still breathing that I Krystle myself the person who thinks she’s weak and has no strength no self worth. That I am much stronger then I though I to be I have made it threw everything that has been thrown at me I have pulled threw. I have to see it as I am a bigger person then the ones that have hurt me they are the ones that missed out on being in my life and that is their loss not mine. I am a wonderful person a good friend. If someone can’t see that then that is not my problem it is theirs. I never took the saying the love for one’s self outweighs the love of many..My grandmother use to say that to me all the time and I never really took it to heart or even cared to cause all I wanted was to be accepted by others to be loved by others. But how could someone love me, when I hated myself? They couldn’t which I have come to learn and realize now. Fixing me is the biggest thing I need to.
I don’t know if I am randomly writing just a bunch of gibberish no one cares to read but I like to write and I like to do it for myself more than other people if someone gathers something from it Wonderful if not then it’s okay. I have been told by family, and friends I should write a book about my life and things I have pulled threw and made it out of. But I don’t know if or how I would write it to make it interesting for someone they think it could be inspiring to some people that have been in the same situation that need to know life does go on and it does get better. I am not too sure about this but maybe I will try to do it someday. I have been writing journals since I was 10 years old to take some of them and make it into a good book might be kind of cool and to have people read my story and to take something from it would be a great thing. Money wise I wouldn’t care as long as it helped someone that has been threw the many things as I have it would make my life mean something. To help someone else and not myself. To be remembered for that would be a great thing to leave this world with in my eyes and not the amount of money I may make in my lifetime. Well for now that’s all sorry for that length of it
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