Me and God

I never had much of a relationship with God.  To be honest, I have doubted His existance my whole life.  I was always so scientific in my thinking that I just could not REALLY accept, let alone believe in anything that I could not see with my own two eyes.  Things began to change for me during Barbara's last 3 weeks of life.  She had been ravaged by her cancer and she was unable to eat or drink anything for that entire time.  Nothing.  Not even her medicine.  I had to give her her morphine via suppository.  She could not speak nor could she communicate with me at all.  The only time she would open her eyes was when her pain came and then I knew she needed more relief from it.  For those 21 days, I held her hand.  I would whisper into her ear that it was o.k. for her to let go and go to heaven.  Each day, she got more emaciated and each day I was brought further to my knees with helplessness and hopelessness.  The Hospice nurses would pray beside her before they left each day, and I would sort of go through the motions with them.  A couple of days before she died, I leaned over to her, and as I held her frail body, I whispered the Lord's Prayer into her ear.  I don't even know how I remembered the words, but remember them I did.  I remember on Thursday evening, June 17th, before I went to sleep I prayed to God to take my Barbara from me and I felt guilty as hell for it.  On Friday, June 18th, at about 3:15 in the afternoon, her breathing accelerated for about 20 minutes and then it subsided.  At 3:45, as I held her hand, she took her last breath.  I swear that I felt her leaving on her journey and my own unwanted journey began.
It has taken me all of this time to reach out for help, and finding the beautifull people here at DS has allowed me to actually BEGIN to travel the path that God has created for me.  I now know that there IS a God.  He and I have a lot of catching up to do that it's hard for me to know where to begin.  But here I am, like a man drowning in the ocean and reaching for the life saver that He is throwing my way.  I have it in my hand now, and I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon............