MAYBE IT WAS JUST TO SOON....
I don't understand all these cruel jokes or at least what seems like cruel jokes being played on me by the universe. Right now in the middle of the end of my marriage two of my very best friends are getting married. They both want me to sing at their weddings and go to all the wedding fan fair. The showers, the rehersals, the girls only nights blah blah blah... Is it to much to ask if I want to be selfish right now and not do those things. So getting to tonight he picked up Austin at 7 and of course he told me how great I looked I mean he's not kidding 42 pounds lighter and I was sporting my new size 10's I wore a 16 when he left. And the new victoria secrets push me up's ( by the way girls for those of us over 40 it really works!!!! I mean WOIE WOW WOW) Anyway the self image was really working and he said softly " Well have fun where ever and whoever your going to be with." I thought I was just going out to dinner with friends but they would not take me home after. They took me to a stupid bar where I was forced to watch young couples in love hanging on each other and everyone asking " HOW ARE YOU"? " WHAT'S HE DOING"? " IS HE GIVING YOU ANY SUPPORT"? " HAVE YOU FILED PAPER"? OMG I COULDN'T TAKE IT!!!!! So I kept excusing myself to go to the bathroom where I would cry and then re- apply my makeup. I just felt like I shouldn't be at a BAR without my husband. In 22 years I haven't been in a bar without him or a t least have him to come home too. So when I would go out to girls night all the " LOSERS" there to score would never phase me because I was always so happy to go home to my loving husband. Tonight I actually got a glimpse of my future a 50 year old woman waiting desperatly for someone to ask her to dance, or talk to her, or buy her a drink.... I don't want to be that woman, I want my family back together, I wanted to come home to my husband tonight. After realizing I was spending more time in the bathroom re- applying make up then actually at the table I kindly excused myself and came home. Besides my face was starting to look like I had an audition with Ringling Brothers Circus. Is it wrong that I would rather be home watching re runs of Grey's Anatomy on lifetime then out. Why does everyone say " You need to go out more" You can't stay sheltered in your apartment all the time" You need to go out and meet people" Why I'm happy at home I feel safe at home I feel at peace here and when I go out I just feel " DUMPED AND ALONE" I felt more alone out in a room full of people than I ever do at home. Weird?????? It's just the way I feel. Nobody seems to understand that I don't get it.....
Replies
Am sending you a long and heart-felt private message, my dear friend. Please go read it!
I have a good idea what Kathi will write. So I will add stay away from the bars. You are too vunerable right now and don\'t need to be in them. Even when I was working in one at 17 I could spot the women who were lonely. Nothing good comes out of a bar. It depends on the kind of bar you are in but still there are men who will take advantage of your vunerability and you will end up feeling even worse.
Dont feel bad about not sharing the joy of people getting married. It takes awhile. In fact when you can be genuinely happy for those who announce their engagement you will know you are making progress. It won\'t feel this way forever.
I agree, stay out of bars. Look on meetup.com and see if there are any groups who are doing things that interest you. Make new friends who don\'t know your EX so they wont ask. I joined three meetups and now I have new friends and there seems to always be something going on. Your friends are right you do need to get out, but balance it with watching those re-runs too. (((HUGS)))
Good suggestions from everyone. I knew to stay away from bars--alcohol and loneliness are never a good mix. I\'m sorry you struggled that evening. I think your friends are trying but they simply don\'t understand the depth of your pain. We do.
I will caution that while sitting at home seems the comfortable thing to do right now, at some point you do have to get out and make a new life for yourself as a strong, confident, sexy single woman. But it does take time. I really like Misred\'s suggestion of meetup.com. It is not a dating site, but a website that puts people together who share common interests. It\'s about friendship, not dating. We have a new group in my town (finally!!) and I have gone to some different events and had a great time.
Reading your journal brought back many memories for me. I had those same moments and dealt with the same issues. Do what you can with the wedding situation--explain to them how you feel. Do what you are comfortable doing. Right now, be kind and gentle to yourself.
You sound like someone who is smart and introspective and you know what you need right now for your healing. Take care of you right now.
Sending loads of healing hugs!!!!
Thank you so much everyone. It\'s a beautiful 87 degrees here today perhaps a good time time to take a book and go lounge by the pool for awhile. The sunshine is supposed to make you feel happy. Game night at my place tonight my first gathering of friends at my new place. Even though it\'s alot smaller in size the love is just as big.
Have a wonderful day today and mat you feel the healing warmth of that sunshine. It will hopefully lift your spirits so that you can enjoy having friends around to your new home.
I am sorry for the pain that life has been making you feel, but hopefully today can heal some of those wounds.
Sorry it was meant to read may you feel