MAYBE IT WAS JUST TO SOON....

I don't understand all these cruel jokes or at least what seems like cruel jokes being played on me by the universe. Right now in the middle of the end of my marriage two of my very best friends are getting married. They both want me to sing at their weddings and go to all the wedding fan fair. The showers, the rehersals, the girls only nights blah blah blah... Is it to much to ask if I want to be selfish right now and not do those things. So getting to tonight he picked up Austin at 7 and of course he told me how great I looked I mean he's not kidding 42 pounds lighter and I was sporting my new size 10's I wore a 16 when he left. And the new victoria secrets push me up's ( by the way girls for those of us over 40 it really works!!!! I mean  WOIE WOW WOW) Anyway the self image was really working and he said softly " Well have fun where ever and whoever your going to be with." I thought I was just going out to dinner with friends but they would not take me home after. They took me to a stupid bar where I was forced to watch young couples in love hanging on each other and everyone asking " HOW ARE YOU"? " WHAT'S HE DOING"? " IS HE GIVING YOU ANY SUPPORT"? " HAVE YOU FILED PAPER"? OMG I COULDN'T TAKE IT!!!!! So I kept excusing myself to go to the bathroom where I would cry and then re- apply my makeup. I just felt like I shouldn't be at a BAR without my husband. In 22 years I haven't been in a bar without him or a t least have him to come home too. So when I would go out to girls night all the " LOSERS" there to score would never phase me because I was always so happy to go home to my loving husband. Tonight I actually got a glimpse of my future a 50 year old woman waiting desperatly for someone to ask her to dance, or talk to her, or buy her a drink.... I don't want to be that woman, I want my family back together, I wanted to come home to my husband tonight. After realizing I was spending more time in the bathroom re- applying make up then actually at the table I kindly excused myself and came home. Besides my face was starting to look like I had an audition with Ringling Brothers Circus. Is it wrong that I would rather be home watching re runs of Grey's Anatomy on lifetime then out. Why does everyone say " You need to go out more" You can't stay sheltered in your apartment all the time" You need to go out and meet people" Why I'm happy at home I feel safe at home I feel at peace here and when I go out I just feel  " DUMPED AND ALONE" I felt more alone out in a room full of people than I ever do at home. Weird?????? It's just the way I feel. Nobody seems to understand that I don't get it.....