maybe i shouldn't have

this evening and night was not a good time for me.  i made a stupid decision to si while i was drinking tonight and i think i see why people si now.  it hurts at first but after a few minutes it doesn't hurt nearly as much.  i hope this is just a little phase to see what happens and it doesn't turn into something worse.  i wish i didnt feel this way about myself.  i want to think things will be better but going by history it looks like i need to find a way to cope with being alone.  with cutting and being alone i won't have to worry about how i look anymore or what other people think and i have a way to feel better, in a way