Maybe A different way of looking at things
I thought very long and hard before writing this. I dont want someone to read it think that I am trying to justify things or make excuses or answer the unexplainable. Thats not what this is about. This has been running thru my head for days and now I just want to sit and let the words come out. Its maybe a different way of looking at things. Maybe this is part of my healing I dont know but I just wanted to share whats in my head.
Its said that our lives are planned out for us even before we are born. Everything that happens in our lives is exactly that plan and when we think that we have taken a wrong road, its not the wrong one. Its the road we were ment to take. Every road we have taken has led us to were we are today. The friends in our lives. The people who are no longer our friends. With that comes the saying "dont dwell on the people of your past, there is a reason they are not a part of your future". The roads that led us to our familys. Our spouses or partners. The lives that we touched, and those who have touched ours. The lives we have changed forever. All of this was already mapped out for us before we even knew it. Three years ago My best friend of 20 yrs decided to leave her husband. He was madly in love with her, but she no longer loved him. She asked him for a divorce. They have two wonderful boys together and his family was his life. At the thought of loosing this life he decided one morning that he was going to end his life. He went out to the woods behind his brothers house with a bottle of jim beam and a picture of his boys in his hands.His work called looking for him cause he is not the type to just skip work so they were worried. His family called my friend cause they were scared. No one knew where he was. My friend, who I was staying with at the time, burst into my room with tears pouring out her eyes and told me that he was missing and was scared that he really was going to try to kill himself. He had made comments about it, but she just thought he was trying to make her feel guilty and come back to him, but now it was for real. He was done and just wanted a way out of the pain. I grabbed my cell and tried calling him over and over agian. I have been told I am easy to talk to cause I actually listen to people and he opened up alot to me during thier seperation. I was the only one he opened up to. After many trys I finally went outside so she could not hear me and left him a message. I told him to think of his boys and did they desearve to grow up without a father. He may not have his wife anymore but he will always have the love they created together in his boys. I sat there and waited for my phone to ring. I was praying it wasnt to late. And then my phone rang. He had already cut his arms open but he called me. He could barly speak but I managed to get out of him where he was. I called his family and they called 911 and got him to the hospital. The doctors said if it had just been a few more mins he would have died. MY friend looked at me with tears in her eyes and in front of everyone said "thank you for saving his life". I didnt wake up that day thinking this was about to happen just like I didnt wake up That day in Jan thinking that in just a few hours my Son would pass away.Just like none of you have thought about waking up one day to hear those words"Im sorry but your baby is gone". Maybe this was just another road that was planned for us and we just didnt know it. I wish we could decide what roads we take in life. If I had seen this one coming I would have ran as fast as I could past it and never look back. But its not our choice. I know when I got to that road I felt alone and scared.The road of a mother who lost a child. I felt like noone in this world knew what I was feeling. How could this have happened to me, how could this happend to my son?.I never felt so alone. I walked down that road with tears, and anger, and hate. I thought I was stuck on some deserted road and would lost there forever. And then when the tears let up a little in my eyes I could see that this road wasnt empty. With each step I took forward I started to see faces on that road. there were other woman here holding pictures of their angels close to thier hearts. Talking to eachother, crying with eachother and some laughing with eachother when they told stories of their angels. I stood there on the road and looked all around. What I thought was an empty road just for me was packed with mothers of angels from all over the world. So crowded I was surprised I could even move.I saw my sister, my aunt, my stepmom and friends. All this time I never knew that they were on this road and now I am here with them and all of you. I wasnt alone. None of us our alone here. This road is for chosen people. It would be nice to say this was a members only road and by invite only. I know that I would never invite anyone to this road and I know that none of you would either and it would be nice to think that with no invites this road would be empty someday but thats not up to us. We were chosen to be on this road for reasons we will never understand. But I ask you, look at the friends you have made here? the stories you have heard?The inspiration to change things in this word that you did together. The smiles that we brought to eachothers faces and the tears we cryed together. Some of us have met in person and some only met thru chat. Some of us have heard eachothers voices and some only wonder what a persons voice sounds like.We have told storeis of our families and children and bad days and the good ones. It sometimes feels like we have known eachother our entire lives , but in reality have never even come face to face. Were we mant to meet? was the only way that we could meet would be that we all needed to be on this road together?Maybe we were ment to meet because we were all ment to make a change in this world as one. Maybe the only way it was possable for us to meet was to all experience a loss in our lives that would forver change us. Were our angels sent to us in order for us to meet? was their purpose in life to bring us all together as one?I can honestly say I would give up all of this, everyone I met on here nomatter how wonderful you are, just to have my son back but I cant. My son did what he was sent to do and moved on and Ill never understand it but someday I will know what his purpose was and be just as much of a proud mommy then as I am today.I wish I had all the answers and knew why we were all here and knew why our children now live in heaven but I dont. I just have to go on faith that we were all ment to meet and our angels brought us together and one day we will all know why.
Its said that our lives are planned out for us even before we are born. Everything that happens in our lives is exactly that plan and when we think that we have taken a wrong road, its not the wrong one. Its the road we were ment to take. Every road we have taken has led us to were we are today. The friends in our lives. The people who are no longer our friends. With that comes the saying "dont dwell on the people of your past, there is a reason they are not a part of your future". The roads that led us to our familys. Our spouses or partners. The lives that we touched, and those who have touched ours. The lives we have changed forever. All of this was already mapped out for us before we even knew it. Three years ago My best friend of 20 yrs decided to leave her husband. He was madly in love with her, but she no longer loved him. She asked him for a divorce. They have two wonderful boys together and his family was his life. At the thought of loosing this life he decided one morning that he was going to end his life. He went out to the woods behind his brothers house with a bottle of jim beam and a picture of his boys in his hands.His work called looking for him cause he is not the type to just skip work so they were worried. His family called my friend cause they were scared. No one knew where he was. My friend, who I was staying with at the time, burst into my room with tears pouring out her eyes and told me that he was missing and was scared that he really was going to try to kill himself. He had made comments about it, but she just thought he was trying to make her feel guilty and come back to him, but now it was for real. He was done and just wanted a way out of the pain. I grabbed my cell and tried calling him over and over agian. I have been told I am easy to talk to cause I actually listen to people and he opened up alot to me during thier seperation. I was the only one he opened up to. After many trys I finally went outside so she could not hear me and left him a message. I told him to think of his boys and did they desearve to grow up without a father. He may not have his wife anymore but he will always have the love they created together in his boys. I sat there and waited for my phone to ring. I was praying it wasnt to late. And then my phone rang. He had already cut his arms open but he called me. He could barly speak but I managed to get out of him where he was. I called his family and they called 911 and got him to the hospital. The doctors said if it had just been a few more mins he would have died. MY friend looked at me with tears in her eyes and in front of everyone said "thank you for saving his life". I didnt wake up that day thinking this was about to happen just like I didnt wake up That day in Jan thinking that in just a few hours my Son would pass away.Just like none of you have thought about waking up one day to hear those words"Im sorry but your baby is gone". Maybe this was just another road that was planned for us and we just didnt know it. I wish we could decide what roads we take in life. If I had seen this one coming I would have ran as fast as I could past it and never look back. But its not our choice. I know when I got to that road I felt alone and scared.The road of a mother who lost a child. I felt like noone in this world knew what I was feeling. How could this have happened to me, how could this happend to my son?.I never felt so alone. I walked down that road with tears, and anger, and hate. I thought I was stuck on some deserted road and would lost there forever. And then when the tears let up a little in my eyes I could see that this road wasnt empty. With each step I took forward I started to see faces on that road. there were other woman here holding pictures of their angels close to thier hearts. Talking to eachother, crying with eachother and some laughing with eachother when they told stories of their angels. I stood there on the road and looked all around. What I thought was an empty road just for me was packed with mothers of angels from all over the world. So crowded I was surprised I could even move.I saw my sister, my aunt, my stepmom and friends. All this time I never knew that they were on this road and now I am here with them and all of you. I wasnt alone. None of us our alone here. This road is for chosen people. It would be nice to say this was a members only road and by invite only. I know that I would never invite anyone to this road and I know that none of you would either and it would be nice to think that with no invites this road would be empty someday but thats not up to us. We were chosen to be on this road for reasons we will never understand. But I ask you, look at the friends you have made here? the stories you have heard?The inspiration to change things in this word that you did together. The smiles that we brought to eachothers faces and the tears we cryed together. Some of us have met in person and some only met thru chat. Some of us have heard eachothers voices and some only wonder what a persons voice sounds like.We have told storeis of our families and children and bad days and the good ones. It sometimes feels like we have known eachother our entire lives , but in reality have never even come face to face. Were we mant to meet? was the only way that we could meet would be that we all needed to be on this road together?Maybe we were ment to meet because we were all ment to make a change in this world as one. Maybe the only way it was possable for us to meet was to all experience a loss in our lives that would forver change us. Were our angels sent to us in order for us to meet? was their purpose in life to bring us all together as one?I can honestly say I would give up all of this, everyone I met on here nomatter how wonderful you are, just to have my son back but I cant. My son did what he was sent to do and moved on and Ill never understand it but someday I will know what his purpose was and be just as much of a proud mommy then as I am today.I wish I had all the answers and knew why we were all here and knew why our children now live in heaven but I dont. I just have to go on faith that we were all ment to meet and our angels brought us together and one day we will all know why.
Replies
Wow...this entry is wonderful. I am sitting at my desk at work in tears! I too believe that our,lives are planned out before we are born. Like you, I would give anything to have my daughter back, I know I can\'t. I know that my daughter has made me a.better person. I thank her for that every day. I used to worry about what kind of mother I would be. Now I know I am a great mom & when I get my living breathing baby, I think I will be a better mom because of Kaylee.
When o first lost her, I felt like the biggest outcast ever, quite honesty, I was embarrassed. Now I hold my head high, I\'m proud of myself for making it two months and I\'m so proud of my daughter for the impact she has made, not only on my life, but many others as well.
I\'m so glad I found all of you great people here, all of you have gotten me thru and made me realize I\'m not alone and I can hold my head up high.
Thanks again for writing this. Hugs!!
This was a great story to share with us. Its been only 3 weeks for me and i still struggle with leaving my house and holding up my head. I think you are right - but i am sure we all have the how can the loss of a child from a mother be anyone\'s chosen path? But this journey has shown me and my husband the glory of friendship and love from our community. As i sit here i look at a stack of over 150 sympathy cards and numerous letters, emails, i feel the love. But you are right, i would trade it all to feel the love of a newborn baby boy in my arms instead.
Your story is inspiring and something that i will think of often when trying to journey down this road with all of you. Thanks.
Warm Hugs to you.
Michelle
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and the story about your friend and her husband. I agree that somehow this was going to happen to us no matter what. Even if we think \"The doctors could have saved my baby\" it probably wouldn\'t have happened that way.
I wish I would have never \"met\" you. haha... you know what I\'m saying. But since I\'m now on this forever journey I too am thankful for you and the others I have connected with in the group. I hope this perspective you have reflected on truly is a means to your healing. Hugs To You
You are AMAZING! Is this what you were talking to me about not wanting to post? You are crazy, for worrying about it! Love you, Girl!
Meghan
This is a wonderful post. I\'m sitting here in tears. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Your way of thinking is similar to mine..... thankyou for sharing your feelings with us!
this is so true! i am glad you posted this. this is exactly how i feel. i HATE that we are all on this road but i am GLAD we have each other! and you are right, this was the plan God made for us before we were born. one day, we will see our angels again! thank you for posting this (: