May needs to be recorded

April has been another interesting month, but I have been able to accomplish more of my goals but there is one that I haven't been able to get the lawyer to move off his butt. Everyday things are getting difficult to work at Arby's, having Kelly always on my back even though I am having difficulties with my back the pain is bearable but a nuisance. I am getting tired and she knows that she is crossing the line toward harassment in the work place. But I can not lose the job.

My last Doctors visit was good I got the doctor to drop my Gabapentin so I have stopped taking it. Which is good for me because I hope it will stop these suicidal thoughts that makes me concern of my well being.

April continued to help in many different ways I was able to choose a home or a car as I hope that I didn't make an error in judgement. I do enjoy having the car but now I can't get a home, so I can move into my own place. She had a chance to get one but merle decided to rent a store that she could open up her business. But that was a failure before it opened. But of course it was my fault.

I still have difficulty in keeping myself from crying most of the time I still have issues with some flash backs that I start crying for no reason but I think there is a reason. Some songs, some places brings back memories spending time with my family and Danny being a baby. I wish that it would be possible to go back and to make some changes. Is this normal but I have always asked that question what is normal. Living the rest of my life as a female ? In a million years I would never have thought of transitioning into a female. I thought I would be able to handle things but It would seem that somedays I don't and actually regret doing it. I promised myself that I would never think it but in all reality sometimes the pain of loosing my family hurts to much that I can't bear it. Last week I was able to see my two boys and I tried my best to convince Merle to meet my new self but she will not allow it. I am disappointed but it is what it is but I will not give up in hoping that one day she will understand and allow me to be myself around the kids. I don't know what to say about my two daughters as I do not know what the future will hold about them. For now I am going to do my best not to give up hope that some day it will happen.

A new job and a new house will be another goal for me to go for in my future. I love my kids and miss them very much but I hope they will change their ways and see me for who I am.

KC is correct I am a survivor, still learning and exploring my new realm. I will accomplish my goals maybe it will take some time but I feel confident. Until the next time.

May is continuing it's uncertainty, I visited my kids on Wednesday in hopes in talking to merle but I didn't bargain on what she had instore for me. I took her shopping and many trips to Home depot getting soil for her swimming pool as it took several trips loading 40Lbs of soil so she could use it underneath the pool, with the backyard being so hilly she decieded to use the dirt to level the area for the pool. I didn't expect to lift 40Lb bags, or transporting 10 or 12 40Lbs of dirt in the car to the house. She did ask me if I had money to pay for my lunch as I told her that I wanted to come up on a Saturday when I got paid that I had to barrow the off my credit card. I don't think she was pleased but she sort of demanded me to come up on a Wed and stayed till Thursday. It was nice but I started fishing around asking Robert a couple of question as he went off about the LGBTQ people saying that they are cramming down about the community on who they are and mentioning about us that they should be banned from sports and everything else and he compared it to the Black Lives Matter and all the derrick around it. Right then I wanted to say to him that I am part of the community and try to get him to understand that we need to educate the people on who we are and that we are not freaks of society. It just lead me to believe that he's not accepting and won't be accepting towards me. I have tried many times to chat with merle but she had other people around like Annette, that will never change. So most of the day I took merle to home depot several times and couple of time to shop rite to get some groceries for the kids. I did buy some items for me to eat but I feel that she didn't want me around over the weekend because the family was going to be there to celebrate her birthday and didn't want me around, makes a person feel welcomed. Just like Vane's birthday when I was still living there they already had it while I was at work, the day before his actual birthday it was upsetting to me that I wanted to celebrate it with him. She would always tell me not to walk in front of the gun shop so Billy wouldn't see me, it was like I had a plague. But she tells me that he didn't appreciate me leaving like that. But what I think is that she doesn't want people seeing me. I did happen to run into a guy that would always go into the sandwich shop when I was working it and he noticed the difference in me and starting asking me questions as he was telling me that he has many friends that are trans, he told me that I was looking good. I wanted to tell the kids about me the whole time but since I knew how my 2nd oldest son felt about the LBGTQ community I dared not to say anything. Most of the time merle  would tell me is this a problem like she always does thinking it was a problem as I told her that if I had a problem doing this I would say so and she turns around telling me are you talking to me in that tone and I hesitated to answer so Danielle said yes I am talking to you that way and not a word came out. I was like wow!! I took the rest of my DVDs that gabby tried to sell on Facebook I should have said something about that. So after dinner when I was about to leave I wanted to talk to about my plans but she wanted to get back into the house. I let know that I got back safely. In the text message I wanted to talk to her about something. So she called me asking me what I wanted so I told her that I was going for a consultation at Temple about seeing If I was a candidate for bottom surgery and her reply was that if I did I would loose any relationship with my kids or what little I have. She went on telling me that I do not have one with Katlin, Gabby and Danny its what ever day it is but he should understand because of what he went through with his wife but not as bad. Robert and Vanne she told me that they wouldn't understand but I remember her telling me that my boys don't want me around but it is funny that it didn't bother them when slept on the recliner in their room and having a discussion about the LGBTQ community. But she went on saying why are you telling me this as I told her about the discussion we had last year about the surgery. That I will decide when and if the time is right but she was telling me on the phone that there will be many changes and that I will be showing, I told her that the changes are complete and there will be no more. She was shocked about it but started saying that I never told her which I did, with everything going on she ignores the fact that she doesn't care about me even though she claims that she does.

I have to stop for now I am getting to emotional that I am starting to lose my breakers in my brain . 

Cont 5/20/21

I feel that I am losing control of my emotions that I am pretty sure it is Daniel trying to stay out to continue his life but I know as well as he does, he can not. I am a strong woman and I am not going to allow it. I have allowed him to come out when I go up to pa. to see my boys but this time he has bitten off more than he can chew. I don't mind helping out Merle but he has to realize our limitations. As we can not do much of the things we use to do anymore to the effects of the hormones and loosing all the upper body strength as well. That the body can not do what it use to do prior. I also feel that I am having difficulties getting him back into his box that he is messing around with my emotions again starting the flash backs and also giving me thoughts of committing suicide again. I am starting to get concerned again on my life. After talking to my stepmother and I can say that she has been a lifesaver. Helping me to navigate my storm of troubles. She has been a lifesaver. Daniel is doing his best again to make me feel guilty for what I have done, but he does not realize that many years ago he would joke about it telling people that we are male by day and female by night but this is a huge opportunity for him to enjoy both life of living as a male and female. Meaning that he experienced living as a male for 57 years of his life and now he can live as a female until we pass away.

We would pray to God to help us get through the trouble times and I also feel that God would not allowed us to go through with the transiting.

With everything I have been doing to make our lives better for both of us not just for Danielle only. We have accomplished another goal by getting a car so we don't have to depend on public transportation to get to point A and B.

Also I am starting to work on getting back to the things we both like and trying out something new as well. I am going to work on going back to scuba diving. Now I do remember we loved doing it even though we managed to get certified but that was it. It was something else that was taken away from me as Merle grabbed or decieded to get the girls to do the things she like, even though it would seem that Gabby enjoyed trying it out though it was done in a pool, I thought I was bonding with her but she was pulled away from her mother.

The other two things or I should say 3 or 4 more things I am starting to work on is taking a vacation to get away from the aggravation from daily life. It will be exciting to take something like a trip either a dive trip or something that is LGBTQ function. I think it will be exciting. Also I would think that Daniel will be relieved that we don't have to start all over with clearing our name of our felony charge so we can start looking for a better job and a better pay to which we deserve. I am trying my best to show Daniel that I have not abandon him, I am showing him that I do care about us and coming to the point that we deserve some recreational time to pat our selves on the back for all the goals we have accomplished. In addition to everything I am doing for us is that I am looking for someone that we can spend the rest of life with that will not hurt us like Merle did after all these years. I wish he will look at all the things Danielle is working on to improve our lives that she is not all work and no play but trying to incorporate it into our lives. Also Danielle is looking into in getting our own place to live and say that it is ours. I hope that this will help him know that I am always looking out for us not just for me only but for us. I love myself as Danielle and Daniel

He needs to learn that I will not let any harm come to us. Because I know how it feels to be hurt all the time. I am being leant towards him and not allowing myself to take drastic measures against him by putting him away in a box

I hope this will put an end to his tantrums and to move on with our lives together

May 26,2021,

I took a trip to Pa. for my doctors appointment and also met KC for my theropy session as always it was an emotional one at least. He still recommends me to speak to a physiatrist. As I agree to speak with him and to keep an open mind about it. I have also spoke to KC about starting medical Pot to see if it will help with my anxiety. So I won't have any more issues with my chest feeling like it is about to explode. So I will be waiting to speak with him. I did go and see dr.Pri to let her know about my issues with my emotions and so she went ahead drawing up some blood work to see if there is a problem with my hormone levels. If there is she will adjust them accordingly.

After that was said and done I took a trip to the dive shop and browsed through there stock to set aside new gear so I will be able to go scuba diving again. Also I thought that I would be able to have a buffet dinner at the Golden Coral but they weren't open, very disappointed so I ended up going back to the mall and grabbed some Chinese food from the food court it was good as I brought some home. By the time I did get home I filled up the gas tank and checked the P.O. Box and found nothing. What I was looking for was the transponder for the ease pass, as they were quick to take the money off my card they could be a little quick to give me the transponder as well.

It was kind of exciting to pick out the color of my gear. I will give them another couple of days, It felt good but I have to watch my spending as I am still paying off my health insurance when I was out from work. I hope that Daniel will be pleased if he will only behave himself.

Till the next time, looking to see what the blood results are and start looking for a lawyer to start the divorce process, but I do have a gut feeling that Daniel will stop me from moving forward to the divorce.