May 22

On the advice of my therapist I am supposed to list 3 things I am grateful for or 3 things I am good at. I am having a bad day today and can't think of any to list. I had been doing so much better as of late, so I am dissapointed that I feel this way today.

I started back to work this week after 7 weeks of being off due to working in a high risk environment where all non-essential personell were told to work at home. I work in a hospital in education, so I was glad for this. Before they implemented this, I had great anxiety about catching covid at work. This was before mandatory mask wearing and distancing measures were put into place, but people were dropping like flies in Italy and New York. They were having me work closely with people that just came from a conference in New York and no one was taking it serious, I felt. I got in a huge disagreement with my boss, that left me ruminating and stressed out for a solid month. This on top of my already strained relationship with my husband and daughter, really took it's toll on me.

The fact is I have never felt more alone than I do right now. My son is in prison, my daughter is a piece of work and my husband and I are like 2 ships that pass in the night. This is what our marriage has come to. I have 2 wonderful grandchildren and a grand dog who I love very much. They love me just as much and we have a wonderful relationship. I do, however have to deal with my daughter though because she is their mother. She will use them as a weapon against me if she doesnt get what she wants from me. It's an extremely dysfunctional relationship. It's gotten to the point where I have, on occasion thought, "Should I just let my relationship with the grandchildren go?". At times it seems the only way to escape her wrath, which is usually in the form of text messages, as she doesn't have much to say to me in person, because she is addicted to her phone. But, I digress.....

I went back to work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. It was good in alot of ways!!! People were so happy to see me and I was told how much I was missed. It really was awesome. It took a toll on my body though. My feet and back now hurt and I got aggravted at the person I was assigned to teach, and I thought I was going to catch covid from people not following the mask or distance rule.

In some ways it was great being back, because as much as you want a vacation from work, being in this house that is no longer a home, with a person who you are in a tenous relationship was unbearable at times. I am in one of those moods where it doesn't seem like anything I do will help it, and I do not like when I feel this way. I am really tired too, although I got an ample number of hours of sleep. It's mainly the stress with my daughter I think, but because I also suffer from depression and anxiety at baseline, I wonder, is it the first sign of covid? This fatigue?

Hopefully my day will get better and I will be able to list htree things by the end of the day. Thanks for listening.