May 2008

May 1stMy upbringing would tell me to take it to God, to pray, to deny oneself, introspect, and take the perspective of perhaps they had a bad day, or weak in some way, or I can help, or they are dealing with personal issues. The approach really isn't all bad, but since my disillusionment with church and resistance to practicing so called Christianity (I tend not to really label it, it was more of a personal thing for me), if I want to practice that approach, I have to reconcile with that part of my past as well. Which, while I am over it, it leads to dangerous waters in taking stands not necessarily where Scott, my family, or others would have me be, which leads to being independent and surviving being so from the same people. Spirituality (I generally don't say religion since I don't refer to traditions and the practice of them, but actual beliefs and lifestyles) is a volatile subject, not one you can really talk about with many people and be completely open and honest without some sort of backlash. Scott is out of the question because he has always attacked my beliefs, my family is ok, but obviously trying to persuade the black sheep to come back to the fold, other people, I just don't have the closeness and trust built in to really bring it up. Then there is the what if... what if I decide to go back? to believe whole heartedly again? I know that if I really do believe in it, then there are expectations that naturally flow from that, including afterlife, life decisions, in raising Lydia and well.. living to share and show others what you believe in. There is no one foot in and one foot out like I continue to pretend, but I haven't been ready to give it up either. Good old comfort zone huh? May 17thI was thinking about you saying Scott would be 'due' and at the time, it made a lot of sense, and still does, but the sad part of that is I can only hold him off about 3 months tops, frequently less than that. (I'm really sorry if this is TMI) Then at some point I really get worn down, just don't care anymore, get caught in a 'hopeful' mood, or just don't see it worth arguing when it will be over in a half hour and then I can go to sleep. This time, it has only been a little more than a couple weeks. This outlook is a direct result most likely of the avoidance of any kind of touch if possible, resulting from the complex past, lack of connection, and god know what else. It's funny because normally, and certainly at the beginning of the marriage, I think I wanted more than he did! Ever heard of the book where they talk about how different people express 'love'? The giving gifts, or doing things, or physical touch, there are others that I can't think of off the top of my head, but I remember physical touch being one of those for me.  So, teammate, sometimes I wonder, what is it exactly you see when you look at me, or think about me lol. Seems kind of silly since we are so open, but I really don't know. I have shown you a lot of sides of me, more than I would normally show any one person, and I have to wonder. I was this religious freak, turned black sheep, love sex, but withholding at the same time, very talkative, but not always the clearest I know, seemingly vindictive sometimes (although I try really hard not to be), yet you see me  as forgiving. What is the image/god, I think in the Middle East with one face looking forward the other looking back? or the images of gods with multiple faces/sides? Gotta love my pensive moods ;). I just hope that at some point instead of thinking about the world, like Bauby (nice parellel! :), I 'll actually be able to be in it and participating to the degree I should be.  May 18th I watch her play, how the hell can I break up her innocent world? Should I remove myself? Would it be better if I was just gone? It feels selfish to leave, but what good am I to her here? I want the best for her, I do. But does that mean cauterizing my heart to be able to leave her? How can I expect that I would be able to give her the life she deserves? Would it be better to feel nothing? I have been so focused on my own struggles that just watching her innocence in light of my troubled face strikes me as a sharp rebuke. Would it be best to let him have her? What do I really have to offer?the Scott being 'due' part lol. hah, I think that I knew you were talking about him being 'due' for having an affair, but my mind jumped to the conclusion that it was being due to 'lack of sex' which then jumped to him and I and sex. (After all, that is what triggered it for you?) I most likely made those conclusions in part because the whole 'being due', well let's put it this way, it is a stress, even a little fear, when the 'next time' will be and if that will be the time he will cross the line between pushing too far and force. It seems irrational, since it has no real basis, but it stays just below the surface lol. hah. oh well. Although the prerequisite would be that you actually want to be turned on and put effort into it. This must sound so pathetic. One thing, in my limited observation, I have noticed is that a woman has to be mentally and emotionally 'ready', thus lack of connection of some sort, or relationship issues, or especially in my case, avoidance/fear of proximity really puts a damper on it. In short, you have to at least like the guy and want to be near him. As far as the whole 'force' thing, it is more a fear under the surface, one that makes me give in. Then giving in makes me feel terrible about myself because I couldn't stand up for myself and that my "No's" mean nothing. That breeds the hopeless/helpless/used feeling which turns it into a vicious cycle, but I'm getting better. May 19thSat down and talked to him about terrible sex. well, I think the first mud to be flung would be, well I do want to have sex and always turn him away, in fact, I usually flinch away when he touches me in any form throughout the day. (that anger below the surface and lack of affection and love I was talking about above) Then, I know he is not satisfied when we do, something along the lines, way back when, although still fairly clear because it hurt no matter how much I knew it was true that I wasn't putting anything into it.  I remember initiating sex, oh ... about... I really don't know, early last semester? last summer? I wasn't on birth control I know at the time, so it was most likely October. I just don't desire him, at all. The attraction at any level was lost when I lost any love for him. As far as not knowing things about girls, lol, I had often joked with him that I wished he had dated around before he met me! It seems like the most basic things I have to spell out. Could I get into him again? I really don't know, that would require a change of attitude on his part, ability to forgive on my part, and his, and the ability to let go of the anger over what he has done, the lack of support for me, believe it or not, being worse than the physical parts. But then, if he 'acted a certain way', how do I know it would last, it would take time, plus it would feel very fake, like the counseling issue you brought up, but I suppose everyone starts somewhere. It would mean him actually enjoying me for me and not trying to change that.One person I knew referred to it as your 'love meter' in which every time you give something, of your self or otherwise, that reserve is deleted some, but when you get a "Thank you", or some other form of reward, it is raised. So if you give and give, you will eventually be running on empty, which leads to all the other stuff. That is exactly where I hit my bottom. I gave up international relations, traveling, having any real career choice, just because he didn't want me to. I didn't go out with friends who drank, because he didn't want me to (Mexico 2002, prime example). I literally changed and formed who I was based on how to please him. Of course, then he decides to claim that I could never make as much money as him, therefore I must prepare for a career at home hah!! All that, and then you realize it was for nothing, that all he wanted was more change. I think that is when I started to really snap. I was running on empty and then affection began to run low, then willingness, then eventually love. So that is my take on sacrifice in marriage. My mom, and grandma, also has become one of those complain, but not do anything about how she sacrificed so much to have two kids so young and so my dad could pursue a career in broadcasting, I don't want to be like that. I am not saying sacrifice doesn't have its place, only that it has to go both ways.lol perhaps I make my issues bigger. I wish it was as simple as that. May 23rdNow that I think about it, that is what has made me happy in the past for whatever reason, when I am actively helping other people in ways they couldn't help themselves, standing in for them, standing up for them, or just being there. I think a huge part of this depression that may have had its roots in tween years, is that I got away from that. I felt good being smart, finishing a degree faster, being the youngest in my class, collaborating on higher levels, just feeling that I can achieve. So when failure hit me strong, .. well you know what happens. In addition, I couldn't take care of him, not the way I wanted to, he rejected me in that sense and I don't know that I can ever fully recover from that. Then, I couldn't take care of my daughter like I wanted to. I knew that from the moment I knew I was pregnant. That is why I considered an abortion as hideous as that sounds and why I later tried to perform it myself, but just couldn't go through with the last part of it. Then the outright rejection, from both of them. I think that is why I insist on reading to her at night, because then at least I can fulfill some level of comfort for her. I worked so very hard to be a good mother, why does it seem like I am such a failure now?May 25thYou guess? I think that means that things get done, but you aren't happy about how? You most likely already have done this, but something I am trying to do more, when I'm getting yelled at, blamed, or my no's are ignored is back away, tell him he needs to stop and give a reason, because you need to respect my boundaries, or this is not productive and I need space to breath, or whatever it is hard to think of stuff unless I think of specific situations, and then even offer a solution, set aside a time to talk, or if there is something else bothering that makes him so edgy. Of course, it's not like I actually do this successfully very often. Of course if I actually try to talk to him later about whatever, it sometimes turns into round two, three, four... I dunno, usually when I am on edge about the little stuff, that usually means something else is eating at me. In the ideal relationship, he would recognize that and focus on that instead of the edgy front thrown up.  You know what, one time I was just so boiling over mad and full of resentment and desperation that I actually went through the entire house and took pictures of everything, literally everything, every angle, every closet of the house (99 pics) and saved them to a word doc where I went through and described my efforts verses his in making this house functional. It seems silly now, but after days of typing that all out it help evaporate some of the anger, and now I have something documented if anyone accuses me of not doing my fair share lol. Literally, any ounce of organization in this house was pretty much me, but I can't keep it up alone. May 26thTomorrow, I am going to be so dead tired. Scott and I got in this over an hour discussion, mostly accusations, me talking only some of the time, but I think I got one thing out of the murky exchange. I don't think he will, any time soon anyways, relentlessly bug me for sex, ignoring my no's, and fighting with me over it. I really hate that it took what it took, but one small temporary victory. I think the thing I hate most about these discussions is that I come out realizing that I have just only 'survived' and that I feel that I have to steel myself against the attempts to tell me that my intuition/gut feelings are wrong and that most of this is because of me. The other victory if it can be called, since I had to bring it up and tell him to do it.....again, is the counseling. I don't think it will do anything, but if there is going to any shot at the possibility of this working, we sure as hell can't do it alone. May 27thWhat did I say for him to stop pestering me, at least temporarily? I said, "Scott, I need you (or you need to I forget which) to stop bugging me about sex." Of course the afterwards is the not as good stuff. After going through "Where do you get your sex?" and "Do you even like men" and other assorted jabs I had to just say "I don't want to have sex with you". Blunt is good with men I have heard, but it was still hard. On a side note, one thing I have noticed is that you pick up on stuff even when I am not so forthcoming. I was pretty calm, not perfect, but better than other times. It is incredibly hard not to jump in with those comments when you think they are just so justified. Perhaps that is why I haven't been blunt with Scott, even though I grew up being that way, is because I am afraid of making him mad. Seriously, it seems weird, but I am afraid of him to a small degree when he is angry. I think it is just because those 'moments' come rushing back to me. blunt with Scott is then haunted by the 'prove it to me'. grrr. I have been saying for years "why should I have to prove what I am saying to you??" Just believe me, or take it at face value! ok.. done ranting :). May 28thX key is whatever key you want it to be in that given moment :). Good moment for algebra! haha. It sounds like the class was an introduction to the piano, are there continuing classes? Not that this is surprising, but just thinking about piano, dance, those kinds of things reminds me how much music has been a key part in my life, and how much it affects me! When I was on those anti dep.'s I barely listened to any music at all, and related to Scott, him not approving of the kind of music I wanted to listened to really was a little bigger thing to me than I let myself believe then. Scott, well, no not religious. In fact, being still quite the churchie when we started dating, I had serious doubts about 'dating a non Christian'. That is all in perception though and I would really call him that now. Plus, the things I describe with him may be past events, that I feel continue into the present even if you can't explicitly prove that, such as disapproval of drinking. Again, each topic is a discussion in itself.  Here is my theory. Remember when I mentioned the super high IQ thing? Well, having worked with many 'gifted' kids, one thing about them seems to be a strict adherence to rules and it's very upsetting if "Susie doesn't have both her toes on the line, teacher!". So I think that plays into it.  The other is his family background. His dad was Mennonite until he was 5. While he doesn't believe any of that, or even glorify it, it's obvious the trickle down effect. His dad said outright once when I was listening "You can tell I am getting soft because I will actually go to a woman dentist" or something along those lines. His dad was my boss for like 4 years, and I didn't personally receive any crap from him whatsoever (age difference I am imagining), George Ann (Her first name is actually George) was affected. We had talked about it and his attitude towards woman before. George Ann was a dear friend/mentor for me. She was a crazy old lady by anyone's standards lol! (I was so embarrassed when she would mention tidbits about her sex life though!) In fact, more recently, I think his dad is much more... let's say perceptive and understanding than I would have ever given him credit for in the past. But, omg, if he gets angry, watch out! (ex military too).  Then, his mom was a stay at home mom, always, and while I think she loved it and was not forced to that, he definitely got some fixed expectations from that. Remember the fixed rules? Change is also something not always tolerated easily. She has one natural child, had 3 or 4 miscarriages (positive/ negative blood thing..) one adoption and like 5 foster babies through the years. She was a girl scout leader, and they had actually considered me taking the troop eventually. Dave, his dad, was a Boy Scout leader until about 2 years ago. He was really good at it. I remember us talking about Scouts before, lol, and I have quite a bit of exposure to it via this. (Of course one of my worst exes was also a leader in the same area). Both of the two can shoot well, Scott actually beat out his dad with the rifle a couple years ago.  As far as religion goes, he stopped going to church at about 12. His religion has always been more, I worship God through being my best, such as running, being moral, etc.. and has always had a disdain for church (a hard one for me to swallow at first), it was the first topic that became sore between us. It was the get to heaven through good acts verses being saved discussion.  So drinking, it was morally wrong, and we were supposed to be better than that. Any expectation he had of himself, he tried to hold me to it as well. (didn't work) It was supposed to be 'caring about me'.  Music, he listens to a lot of different stuff, oldies, 90's, early nuls, nothing extreme or, well what you might call bump and grind or club music. basically what you would let your kids listen to. The religious stuff he didn't like so much, but he was never against it. After a lifetime of listening to religious stuff I was only too happy to get other stuff. Again, it is that moral standard, we are better than that implication.  Approve/disapprove. A struggle from the beginning. I have always been a people pleaser. Can't help it, probably from genes and upbringing. I really started to notice the theme (it is subtle) when I had to prove/explain every decision/ stand I made. Why this restaurant? What do you feel that way? Why can't you do it my way, why is your way better. The first year of marriage especially, any discussion was like I had to prove that my side was better. I predict that this is also from we used to debate each other for fun and I used to be quite good at it. But it is no fun debating about... everything.. and anything that means something to you.. like religion was to me then. When I started to change, growing up essentially, I made different choices, wanted to try new things, I had dropped out of church, he wasn't on board and I think that he wanted to stop the change, keep me as I was. lol, although he doesn't see it this way, I describe myself as a little ditzy, hyperish, crazy, altruistic, cute, etc.. (Who else would do dramas to music on some random street?) I was 18, immature, but that is who he fell in love with initially and change was bad.  Why though? power struggle perhaps, not giving in, the attitude towards woman, insecurity, insane drive to have things ideal, trying to recoup 'who I was', and general lack of understanding of relationships and the opposite gender.  To also be assured, I have never, ever been one to quietly 'surrender'. Sometimes I do, but only knowing that I have to pick my battles, that it causes fights if I don't, or I actually don't care and since he does, might as well do it his way. Also understand, in the last year or so, he has changed dramatically whether he admits it or not. For example, the physical stuff stopped, cornering me has pretty much stopped, I am much bolder about doing what I am going to do, there isn't as much yelling, I just fear that because the explicit things have faded, he is resorting to more emotional stuff.... ya know shifting tactics. paranoia? maybe. I sense a sense of resignation though, most recently as a result of the hell on earth from the antidepressants. That kind of depresses me a little, because I never would want to make another human feel hopeless, but I don't know what to do about it without compromising some very important issues to me.  Keep in mind too, no one, i mean no one would ever guess this crap unless I told them. Some do, just because they see us a ton and the know me well enough to read the signs, but it was a shock when I finally started talking about 2 years ago. If you were to meet him, and didn't know this stuff, you would never suspect it. It's like you talk about people looking at you and your spouse and you think "Dude, you have no idea". We were the ideal couple to a ton of people, people were asking me for advice.  Ok, must sleep, but anyways, I hope I have not inundated you with 'too much Scott'. Keep in mind to, one person perspective is to always be taken with a grain of salt... who knows, I might be overacting to some of the stuff.