May 2022

Saturday, May 7, 2022

7:58 AM

May started off on a bad note, which was very disappointing. May 1st I almost tried to end my life again because of Merle and the family that was involved this time. I was put out by the doctor because the muscle around my heart was inflamed that the doctor didn't want me to keep adding stress so took me out of work for a couple of days. So I decieded to see my boys and pay for one of my sons suits for Katlin's Wedding. So I went up paid on the one of their suits and on Friday Nathen my Grandson was at the house and we took him to get fitted for a suit and I took them both to burger King and everything was great. Saturday morning I was talking to Nathen about his classes and it looks like he enjoys cooking, my reply was it sounds like your following your Grandfather's footsteps in cooking, and then I was talking to him about his friends and asked If any of them were transgender and he told me he had a few that were and told me that he keeps their secret, so I thought since he said that I could tell him that I am a transgender myself thinking that he would keep my secret as I did tell him that the rest of the family was transphobic, but the next day all hell broke loose as merle blew up my phone asking me what I told Nathen and she was screaming at me the whole time and of course Annette was involved including Robert calling me nasty names and also screaming at me. I completely lost it and when I got home all I did was looking at the pain killers on the table contemplating on swallowing all 20 of them because she put me at the edge, I did call my stepmother as Merle was still calling but I never picked up. All she kept on saying that I corrupted a minor by discussing my sexual preferences but I kept on telling her that it is gender identity not sexual preference but Merle kept on insisting that it was sexual preference and that I was a liar. All this time I could hear Anette yelling as well including Robert calling me names as I hear him in the background. With merle still yelling I was completely gone my mind felt like it was filling up with water as I felt like I was drowning in an imaginary water drowning as I keep telling to merle that it is not sexual preference and she tells me that I had no right to tell him that and that they are going to call the police on me so far nothing. I did not want Nathen to find out from someone else but I was wrong. Why is it that everything I do is wrong and why is it that I get blamed for defending myself. I just wish that she would accept me for who I am and realize that I am not coming back. With her doing that I have a notion not to help her out anymore because of her actions against me. I feel she is the one that causing the discrimination against me but I won't charge her for it. I just want to get away from her but I know that it is going to hurt me more. As K.C was telling me that my health is starting to detereate and spending money on my family that does not appreciate me at just as she kept me or I should say pushing me away from her and not loving me at all. Ever since I left I cry often thinking about her time and time again trying to figure out why she did what she did to me. My conclusion is that she knew all these years that I was a trans, I just don't know. For now I am going to close. Keep in touch

Friday May 13, of all days, I ended up going to see merle on my two days off, even though I only spent one day. I took her to bj's knowing that she told me that she destroyed the card but didn't. besides the point I took her there so she could get food for the kids. For the first time in my life I felt unwelcomed in the house which gave me that awful feeling inside me. I would say hello to Robert only to get the sound of crickets. Nothing only the feeling of hate towards me. During the time with merle she wanted to have an explanation to the reason why I did what I did, I told her that once again that I wanted Nathan to hear it from me and not from someone else but apparently it was wrong of me to think it that way as they make It sound like it was inappropriate to say anything. At the time I didn't see anything wrong in it but I guess it can go both ways. As I didn't do anything to warrant any strange behavior on my part. I only told him that I was a Transgender and showed him a photo of me off my Facebook page I didn't see any harm in showing him the photo of myself. Merle just kept on telling me that it was wrong and I should have asked her and his parents. But I know how they feel about me and it is not good that they feel that way about me. I hear myself keep telling me that I should just write them off and not to bother with the family at all. But I can't listen to myself because I care about them and that is not me. It might be easy for other's to do it but with me I would want to think that I have a kind heart. As I have told Merle I have change my appearance on the outside but who I am on the inside has not changed whatsoever. I am still me.

So Friday the 13th came but it would seem that my body was against me, I went to work ok but as the day progressed my health was detreated rather quickly, I started getting sever pain in back of my neck like someone stabbing me with a knife causing dizzy spells, light headedness, as my chest felt like it was blowing up that I had to take my bra off to relieve the pressure but that didn't work, one of the managers Gloria came up to me and ask if I was feeling ok and I told her at first I will be ok in a few minuets, but she went on saying that I look ash gray and started asking me when was the last time I ate something, I replied saying I had a blueberry English muffing around 9am and it was about 5pm and she told me to get something to eat. Besides the pain in the back of my neck I was experiencing a loss of vision as I couldn't focus on the screen to get the orders bagged up I knew I was in trouble but I was trying to get my mind to get in control but if failed. I started to feel weak as if something was sucking the energy out of me as I went to sit down to eat a sandwich I was feeling worse as I went up to Creg to let him send me home but instead I went to urgent care and not the hospital, only to find out that my blood pressure was 80/50 and to them it was to low I was drinking water at the time as they gave me a shot to relieve the pain in the neck they made me wait for awhile to check my blood pressure again as it did go up to 90/60 better than what it was. I took the papers to work to let them know that the doctor put me out yet again for blood pressure issues as I am going to lose hours but they wanted to protect me so I wouldn't hurt myself in the work place which I can understand.

I drove home only to crash on the sofa bed and fell asleep till 4 am from I think it was 8 or not even around 8pm. Was the reason why I had such issues was dehydration or was it Daniel getting back at me knowing that my daughter is getting married on Saturday and I wasn't invited or I just don't want to speculate for the reason why my body was I guess trying to shut down, or maybe it is because that I just don't want to live anymore so I won't have to feel the pain of life and me being a transgender and having my family hate me so much that it is unbearable. For the life of me I do not know what my daughter's problem is with me. I never hurt her physically in my life for her to resent me. Or maybe her co-workers from the Ice Cream place really tormented her to beyond belief. I will never know for the reason. But one thing I do love her and I wouldn't hurt her.

Today is my daughter's wedding to Matt and I am sadden that I am not there to see it transpire, I wish her luck in her new life and I wish her peace and happiness to the very end and for whatever I have done to deserve the closing of the door relationship I wish that she would forgive me for what ever I did to deserve this whatever you call it. I guess I will never know the truth with her and so be it.