May 2021

May is continuing it's uncertainty, I visited my kids on Wednesday in hopes in talking to merle but I didn't bargain on what she had instore for me. I took her shopping and many trips to Home depot getting soil for her swimming pool as it took several trips loading 40Lbs of soil so she could use it underneath the pool, with the backyard being so hilly she decieded to use the dirt to level the area for the pool. I didn't expect to lift 40Lb bags, or transporting 10 or 12 40Lbs of dirt in the car to the house. She did ask me if I had money to pay for my lunch as I told her that I wanted to come up on a Saturday when I got paid that I had to barrow the off my credit card. I don't think she was pleased but she sort of demanded me to come up on a Wed and stayed till Thursday. It was nice but I started fishing around asking Robert a couple of question as he went off about the LGBTQ people saying that they are cramming down about the community on who they are and mentioning about us that they should be banned from sports and everything else and he compared it to the Black Lives Matter and all the rederrick around it. Right then I wanted to say to him that I am part of the community and try to get him to understand that we need to educate the people on who we are and that we are not freaks of society. It just lead me to believe that he's not accepting and won't be accepting towards me. I have tried many times to chat with merle but she had other people around like Annette, that will never change. So most of the day took merle to home depot several times and couple of time to shop rite to get some groceries for the kids. I did buy some items for me to eat but I feel that she didn't want me around over the weekend because the family was going to be there to celebrate her birthday and didn't want me around, makes a person feel welcomed. Just like Vane's birthday when I was still living there they already had it while I was at work, the day before his actual birthday it was upsetting to me that I wanted to celebrate it with him. She would always tell me not to walk in front of the gun shop so Billy wouldn't see me, it was like I had a plague. But she tells me that he didn't appreciate me leaving like that. But what I think is that she doesn't want people seeing me. I did happen to run into a guy that would always go into the sandwich shop when I was working it and he noticed the difference in me and starting asking me questions as he was telling me that he has many friends that are trans, he told me that I was looking good. I wanted to tell the kids about me the whole time but I since I knew how my 2nd oldest son felt about the LBGTQ community I dared not to say anything. Most of the time merle would tell me is this a problem and I wasn't making it into a problem as I told her that if I had a problem doing this I would say so and she turns around telling me are you talking to me in that tone and I hesitated to answer so Danielle said yes I am talking to you that way and not a word came out. I was like wow!! I took the rest of my DVDs that gabby tried to sell on Facebook I should have said something about that. So after dinner when I was about to leave I wanted to talk to about my plans but she wanted to get back into the house. I let know that I got back safely. In the text message I wanted to talk to her about something. So she called me asking me what I wanted so I told her that I was going for a consultation at Temple about seeing If I was a candidate for bottom surgery and her reply was that if I did I would loose any relationship with my kids or what little I have. She went on telling me that I do not have one with Katlin, Gabby and Danny its what ever day it is but he should understand because of what he went through with his wife but not as bad. Robert and Vanne she told me that they wouldn't understand but I remember her telling me that my boys don't want me around but it is funny that it didn't bother them when slept on the recliner in their room and having a discussion about the LGBTQ community. But she went on saying why are you telling me this as I told her about the discussion we had last year about the surgery. That I will decide when and if the time is right but she was telling me on the phone that there will be many changes and that I will be showing, I told her that the changes are complete and there will be no more. She was shocked about it but started saying that I never told her which I did, with everything going on she ignores the fact that she doesn't care about me even though she claims that she does.

I have to stop for now I am getting to emotional that I am starting to lose my breakers in my brain .