Married life since 2009
Sunday, Nov. 9
I thought everything was great until after Tim retired from the army and I got sick. I don’t know if everything went south then, or if I just didn’t realize it until then. Tim decided to go into evangelical mission work in 2009, three years after he retired from the military. He said he wanted to do rescue mission work in the U.S., like for hurricane and fire victims. I didn’t really like it, but no biggie --- definitely not as bad as being married to a Special Forces soldier.
In 2011, our church pastor announced to the congregation that my husband was thinking about moving and starting a planter church 1200+ miles away. That was the first I’d heard of it. All my Tim would say to me is: “I thought that the conversations I’d had with our pastor had been in confidence.” So, not only did I have to deal with being in a state of shock myself, I had to deal with the onslaught of questions from everyone else.
A couple of weeks after our pastor’s “announcement”, Tim signed himself up for a 3 day planter church conference at the Southern Baptist Convention in Louisville, KY. He asked me if I wanted to go, so I went. He knew I didn’t like it, but I wanted to know what was going on. The last time we had sex was in that hotel room in Louisville in Nov. 2011. He said he was too tired so many times that I finally gave up last year.
Christmas 2011, we went to Maine and spent the holiday with Tim’s parents. He didn’t tell his parents, but he had an ulterior motive for visiting them. He was trying to find a Baptist church that was supposed to be in a nearby town. He didn’t find it. That was the last time we went to Maine until Tim’s father died this September.
I am on partial Social Security disability. In 2012, our Tricare prime health insurance through the military forced to take out medicare health insurance -- if I didn’t take it out, they’d drop me. by the time I pay my church tithes and car insurance, that leaves me about $360 per month to pay for groceries, gas, oil changes, food for family get togethers and dinners at church, birthday gifts, etc. I told Tim that I didn’t think I could do everything I’m supposed to do on $365 per month. He said that I’d have to find a way. If I spent any of his money, I’d be dipping into my church tithes. I haven’t bought either of my parents a birthday gift since then. It takes several months for me to stash back enough money to buy decent gifts for my daughter and my nieces.
I am glad that I’ve lost so much weight. But, part of the reason I’ve lost so much weight is that I have to eat light. I can’t afford any treats at all, no breakfast cereal, no poptarts, no fruit juice …….. I’m 5’6” and down to 123 pounds, now. I’m still losing weight, even though I’m no longer dieting. Doesn’t really matter, I haven’t had much of an appetite anyway.
In January of this year, my husband decided we were going to move to another church. He also decided that “we” were going to move 260 miles away so that he could finish his degree from a Bible college on campus. He didn’t tell me that he’d planned to move either –I happened to overhear him tell our new pastor on the day that we requested that our membership be transferred. My husband didn’t have the guts to tell anyone at our old church where my family and lifelong friends are members. And, never mind the fact that my entire family is here; we have a farm and a house here; and I have cfs and I’ve tested positive for lupus and if we move my health insurance will change for the worse. On top of that, our house is falling apart due to foundation damage caused by a drought in 2007. Tim refuses to do anything about it.
I was fit to be tied, but Tim just ignored me. Finally, in April, he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He said he could call a marriage counselor and he could call someone to come out take a look at the house. Yeah, he could make those calls, but he never did! He just said what he thought he had to say to get me to simmer down. When Tim was home one weekend in mid August, we came home from church to find the front storm door flapping in the breeze. The house was in such bad shape that the door wouldn’t close. I blew up … told him that I thought he said he was going to get someone to look at the house. He said, “If I get the house fixed, I’ll have to get a job. If I get a job, I won’t be here. I won’t be here if I do mission work either, so I might as well do mission work.” (I wonder if it would be easier for him to do mission work without a wife??? That idea is beginning to grow on me.)
In early September, the house became so off-kilter that the kitchen doors wouldn’t close. I emailed Tim and told him about the door and that I knew this house wouldn’t be fit to live in much longer. I told him that I knew I wasn’t going to be given any choice in the matter …. I knew he was going to force me to move one way or another. He never made any reference to that email in any way, shape, or form. He never made any effort to do anything about the doors while he was here on fall break Oct. 19-27.
My dad noticed how off the kitchen door was last Sunday. He took a hammer and beat the frame (the actual door itself is steel) so that I could push the door a little closer to. My dad asked why Tim was letting the house get in such bad shape …. I said, “Apparently, Tim just doesn’t give damn.” Daddy gave me a weird look, but he didn’t say anything. I can’t wait to see the fireworks the next time Daddy and Tim are in the same room.
The house is teeming with mice, now. I saw one run underneath the kitchen door on two different occasions last week. Lizzie caught a mouse in the living room on Thur., then another Friday. I set traps Friday. I caught a mouse in the trap in the living room coat closet this morning, and another then again tonight. (Mice have been stealing dog food and stashing it in the hood of my coats in the closet.) I’ll check my traps in the attic tomorrow. Up until my dad worked on the door frame, a bobcat could have walked in here like it owned the place.
Apparently, my husband believes that decisions that will alter my life drastically are none of my business. Most of the time, when I try to talk to him, he just ignores me. Sometimes he will say two or three sentences –whatever he thinks it will take to shut me up –and then he just goes on about his business.
His trip to visit his mom without telling me just blew the top off of the pressure cooker.
I’m so burned out. I know Tim needs a real friend right now, but how do I “be there”, under these circumstances??????
Is he trying to push me into filing for divorce so that he won't look like the bad guy? I feel so cold, numb, and distant. Who is this man and what did he do with my husband?
I thought everything was great until after Tim retired from the army and I got sick. I don’t know if everything went south then, or if I just didn’t realize it until then. Tim decided to go into evangelical mission work in 2009, three years after he retired from the military. He said he wanted to do rescue mission work in the U.S., like for hurricane and fire victims. I didn’t really like it, but no biggie --- definitely not as bad as being married to a Special Forces soldier.
In 2011, our church pastor announced to the congregation that my husband was thinking about moving and starting a planter church 1200+ miles away. That was the first I’d heard of it. All my Tim would say to me is: “I thought that the conversations I’d had with our pastor had been in confidence.” So, not only did I have to deal with being in a state of shock myself, I had to deal with the onslaught of questions from everyone else.
A couple of weeks after our pastor’s “announcement”, Tim signed himself up for a 3 day planter church conference at the Southern Baptist Convention in Louisville, KY. He asked me if I wanted to go, so I went. He knew I didn’t like it, but I wanted to know what was going on. The last time we had sex was in that hotel room in Louisville in Nov. 2011. He said he was too tired so many times that I finally gave up last year.
Christmas 2011, we went to Maine and spent the holiday with Tim’s parents. He didn’t tell his parents, but he had an ulterior motive for visiting them. He was trying to find a Baptist church that was supposed to be in a nearby town. He didn’t find it. That was the last time we went to Maine until Tim’s father died this September.
I am on partial Social Security disability. In 2012, our Tricare prime health insurance through the military forced to take out medicare health insurance -- if I didn’t take it out, they’d drop me. by the time I pay my church tithes and car insurance, that leaves me about $360 per month to pay for groceries, gas, oil changes, food for family get togethers and dinners at church, birthday gifts, etc. I told Tim that I didn’t think I could do everything I’m supposed to do on $365 per month. He said that I’d have to find a way. If I spent any of his money, I’d be dipping into my church tithes. I haven’t bought either of my parents a birthday gift since then. It takes several months for me to stash back enough money to buy decent gifts for my daughter and my nieces.
I am glad that I’ve lost so much weight. But, part of the reason I’ve lost so much weight is that I have to eat light. I can’t afford any treats at all, no breakfast cereal, no poptarts, no fruit juice …….. I’m 5’6” and down to 123 pounds, now. I’m still losing weight, even though I’m no longer dieting. Doesn’t really matter, I haven’t had much of an appetite anyway.
In January of this year, my husband decided we were going to move to another church. He also decided that “we” were going to move 260 miles away so that he could finish his degree from a Bible college on campus. He didn’t tell me that he’d planned to move either –I happened to overhear him tell our new pastor on the day that we requested that our membership be transferred. My husband didn’t have the guts to tell anyone at our old church where my family and lifelong friends are members. And, never mind the fact that my entire family is here; we have a farm and a house here; and I have cfs and I’ve tested positive for lupus and if we move my health insurance will change for the worse. On top of that, our house is falling apart due to foundation damage caused by a drought in 2007. Tim refuses to do anything about it.
I was fit to be tied, but Tim just ignored me. Finally, in April, he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He said he could call a marriage counselor and he could call someone to come out take a look at the house. Yeah, he could make those calls, but he never did! He just said what he thought he had to say to get me to simmer down. When Tim was home one weekend in mid August, we came home from church to find the front storm door flapping in the breeze. The house was in such bad shape that the door wouldn’t close. I blew up … told him that I thought he said he was going to get someone to look at the house. He said, “If I get the house fixed, I’ll have to get a job. If I get a job, I won’t be here. I won’t be here if I do mission work either, so I might as well do mission work.” (I wonder if it would be easier for him to do mission work without a wife??? That idea is beginning to grow on me.)
In early September, the house became so off-kilter that the kitchen doors wouldn’t close. I emailed Tim and told him about the door and that I knew this house wouldn’t be fit to live in much longer. I told him that I knew I wasn’t going to be given any choice in the matter …. I knew he was going to force me to move one way or another. He never made any reference to that email in any way, shape, or form. He never made any effort to do anything about the doors while he was here on fall break Oct. 19-27.
My dad noticed how off the kitchen door was last Sunday. He took a hammer and beat the frame (the actual door itself is steel) so that I could push the door a little closer to. My dad asked why Tim was letting the house get in such bad shape …. I said, “Apparently, Tim just doesn’t give damn.” Daddy gave me a weird look, but he didn’t say anything. I can’t wait to see the fireworks the next time Daddy and Tim are in the same room.
The house is teeming with mice, now. I saw one run underneath the kitchen door on two different occasions last week. Lizzie caught a mouse in the living room on Thur., then another Friday. I set traps Friday. I caught a mouse in the trap in the living room coat closet this morning, and another then again tonight. (Mice have been stealing dog food and stashing it in the hood of my coats in the closet.) I’ll check my traps in the attic tomorrow. Up until my dad worked on the door frame, a bobcat could have walked in here like it owned the place.
Apparently, my husband believes that decisions that will alter my life drastically are none of my business. Most of the time, when I try to talk to him, he just ignores me. Sometimes he will say two or three sentences –whatever he thinks it will take to shut me up –and then he just goes on about his business.
His trip to visit his mom without telling me just blew the top off of the pressure cooker.
I’m so burned out. I know Tim needs a real friend right now, but how do I “be there”, under these circumstances??????
Is he trying to push me into filing for divorce so that he won't look like the bad guy? I feel so cold, numb, and distant. Who is this man and what did he do with my husband?
Replies
Precisely. What happened to your husband? That is a heartbreaking question. The level of disregard for you and your needs is really extreme. Of course, you already know that. He may be hoping you will file for divorce. I wonder if he thinks if no divorce paper exists, maybe God won\'t know the relationship is in so much trouble. I hate to break it to him, but God already knows. No amount of begging is going to make him give his life for you like Jesus gave His life for the church. My mentor does retreats for burned out pastors and missionaries and you would be shocked at the kinds of issues they often have under the surface. Well, actually, maybe you wouldn\'t be shocked. You\'re living it. I think you have to sit in silence with God long enough to figure out what He wants YOU to do. Tim seems to think he has heard from God. He might do well to go back and ask God how he should treat his wife, but regardless, at this moment, you need to know what YOU are supposed to do with all of this. We are here for you. We love you. I don\'t know if you know this Kari Jobe song, but the chorus says, \"I know that you are for me. I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know that you have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are.\" He is for you. He is for your wholeness and peace. Head in the direction where you find Jesus. Much love and many prayers.
WOW, Nancy. This is worse than I thought. Without being disrespectful...may I ask if it\'s possible that Tim is just a total narcissist and has no thoughts or feelings of empathy about ANYONE....not just you? Has it always been just about him? He is not even concerned about your personal safety, never mind his responsibilities to you as a husband. He didn\'t learn this behavior in Bible School. My dad is a minister. He has seen and I have seen many a man, on the pulpit, get thrown right out of a church BY THE PEOPLE, for showing up with their own agenda and not being filled with the Spirit and the church, therefore taking a huge dive, a split, fighting, arguing....just turning the congregation inside out by being there under a false pretense. I have known men who have been getting their sermons online, and spending their time in vacation homes that our church has provided salaries/monies for thinking that these men were using this money to further the gospel and pay for the bills they had incurred while living in the parsonage with their children.
I think that you have done no wrong here. You are a victim of this man\'s selfishness and dishonesty. I know that we are not to judge each other, but I can\'t help but believe that God has directed you to this site, to meet with other Christians who can see this situation for what it is. Tim is doing wrong. By your standards and needs, by those who are onlookers, by Gods......
Do you stay or do you go? Do you have a place to go? Would I consider leaving a man who will allow my shelter to be in such disarray that my life and health are compromised??? Yes, I think I would. I don\'t see Tim as abiding in the Spirit and loving his wife.
Solitude, Dr. Charles Stanely spoke on solitude yesterday morning on intouch.org. About getting alone with God in a dark quiet place and just staying there, with no distractions, until you hear from God. He does this daily. I\'m going to start to do it as well. Please find your closet. Your quiet place. Lay this seriously before the Lord daily, until you feel His presence and his direction.
I am here for you, Nancy! I am. And I am praying for you! xo
It sounds to me as if Tim went off the rails around about the time he started telling the priest things, things that would alter both your lives, but without consulting and confiding in you. It is clear that he has become more and more isolated (though he is the one that isolated himself) and in turn isolated you. Whether it started out purposefully or blindly he has created such a painful void between you that you are forced to support yourself and decide your path now. Please don\'t feel guilty, that you should still be giving Tim support. It is imperative that you make decisions for your greater good now. It is a human right to have enough food and decent shelter. Living amongst rats and without enough food is not normal and not ok. I know you say you are not hungry but your weight is low and with illness on top you cannot afford to lose more.
Only you know you and you know Tim and your life as a couple, no one can ever know what it is like from the inside. We can only comment from the outside, but like looking at the house from the outside, without both of you wanting to fix it, it gets to a stage when starting a new is the only option. It is not your fault. You may not be there yet, or ever, but whether with or without communication and co operation from Tim, you must make changes to protect your health both physical, mental and emotional. Blessings on your family as they sound like they are really there for you. I am sure they are willing to help in more ways than you could imagine. If we all lived round the corner we would to. You are very much loved on DS and are always supported here. You are doing amazingly. Keep it up :) xxxxx
I don\'t want to give you advice on divorce, because I know that would not be a decision you would take lightly, and you don\'t need my two cents! But, from what I\'ve heard, the courts are on the side of the disabled person in a divorce, especially one that has been abandoned. You have a record of Tim basically abandoning you, not only emotionally, but physically but being gone a lot, without any word to you on when he will be back. I assume he gets a pension from the army? He could be made by the courts to provide for your well being in a divorce - he doesn\'t just get to shirk his duties when it suits him! I\'m sorry you are going through all this emotional upheaval, and left to deal with your house falling down around you. That is not fair! I\'m praying for you, Nancy.
Just know that this is not what God wants for you - things have gone horribly wrong. Jesus said \" in this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world\"
It sounds like Tim has major issues of his own - things he will have to work out with God. I\'m sorry you have to suffer with his bad choices and decisions.
Lots of love to you and prayers for your heart to experience Gods healing love xxx
Maybe my advice to support him with his mothers death is just asking too much considering the reality of his behaviour.Perhaps I was wrong.After the reading this journal , it really does look like he doesn\'t love you.If he did he wouldn\'t treat you this way.So why stay, what\'s the point.Also it has been going on for quite a while.I thought there may have been some hope, but perhaps it is just a waste of time.So I think just move on with your life and leave him.You are suffering too much and beginning to strongly resent this man , so it\'s a very unhealthy relationship all round.Time to finish it.You need to protect yourself from further pain and life is just too short.You are strong and you will get through this with the help of your family.So sorry for your pain.xoxo