Mardi Gras Parade

Today, our town had it's annual Mardi Gras parade. I caught a lot of beads and had fun with my niece and nephew. I went back to my brother's house after the parade. My niece came running inside telling me that Uncle Matt is across the street. Matt is my husband. He's still in town and just so happens that a friend of his lives across the street from my brother. When I went to leave, Zoey comes out and says he's outside and points to him. I told her not to point and make it obvious that we are outside. I turn around and he's looking straight at me. I freeze for an instant, but not long. Something tugged at my heart strings and I felt anger at myself for a bit. I got in the car, kissed my niece bye and left. Tomorrow, Feb. 15, will make a year to the date that I left him and our house. I don't think it's love I felt, but just missing having someone to hold me. Someone to share intimate feelings with and stuff. But I also have to remind myself of all the bad times, esp. the last 3 years we were together and how much agony he put me through. The lies, the paranoia, the fighting, screaming, accusing me and my family of working against him. Running around the house with his hand gun and threatening to kill my family and himself. Putting me down like I was an idiot. Treating me like crap and convincing me that only he knew what was best for me. That his way was the right and only way. But like my brother said, you don't live with someone for 18 years and not still have feelings for them. They don't go away overnight. At least, they haven't for me. I don't know how I feel about him, but I don't think I feel love, more like pity, and still anger. I know I have to let the anger go if I am to move on. I know I made the right choice to leave him. I couldn't live like that anymore. I'd never be able to stay clean and sober if I'd stayed with him. I had to make a choice. Him or me. I've learned to love myself more through out these past 8 years of my recovery. And today is a lonely day for me. It sucks being alone on Valentine's Day, but at least I'm not miserable with him. And, I too, feel it will hurt to say, "my 'ex-' ". It sucks right now and I'm not even divorced yet. And I have no idea when that will take place. I'm just in Limbo, waiting on the courts to make a decision.