March 12

Another day without you. I didn't want to get out of bed today but I know things have to be done. I see your face in my mind constantly and your in my thoughts 24/7 from the time I open my eyes to the time they're closed. Last evening wasn't a good one. I kept seeing your face as you lay on the floor with the paramedics working on you. I couldn't stop the tears for a long time. Josh came out and sat with me for quite awhile. The kids are doing the best they can as well and I feel terrible about them seeing me cry but the tears come when they do and I don't seem to have any control over that.
I went into the bedroom for an afternoon nap yesterday but everywhere I look I see your things and everything is a reminder that you're not here anymore. I couldn't sleep there last night and had to go back and sleep on the couch last night.
I don't think I'm crying for the future as much as for the now. I miss you more than I could have possibly imagined and it seems to be getting worse. I hear people talking about moving on but they're just words to me. If this is wallowing in self pity then so be it because you were my reason for going on. Everything has come to a grinding halt and I just don't care. I don't want to hear laughter or people asking me how I'm doing or even answer the phone. I just want to be left alone but I have to go out shortly so I know that's not possible.
To say I miss you doesn't even scratch the surface of how I feel but the best part of my life has been ripped away and I have to try and go on. I can't stop the tears as I write this but It's time to get up and go through another day.
The mornings are the worst because instead of hearing your voice or your laugh, or feeling your touch I'm alone with my thoughts and the pictures in my mind. I guess I'll just have to go through the day and hope that evening comes quickly.
I love you sweetheart.
Mike