March - Ended

Well it is April already and I really haven't said much about my transitioning. Even though I have had my surgery I am still in transition in the matter of speaking. Ever since the surgery I am still learning on how to cope with my emotions and still dealing with Daniel that I need him to live to his end of the Bargen by letting me live my life as I see fit and that includes dealing with merle. Daniel needs to let go of her and let me deal with her on my own terms or he will be the death of both of us. I know he wants to back off all the time but having him constantly take over me when she sends a text message it always end up not good. Daniel gets to emotional that he breaks down and wanting to run away or give into her. ON Wednesday I called him out when the manager wanted to send us home because we were emotionally unstable. I push him back telling Britney that if I went home I would lose it that I needed to stay to distract my mind with something productive which worked as she allowed me to stay. I was glad that she allowed it as I knew what would have happened if I did. That Daniel would have lost it and struggled with keeping afloat and having him commit suicide, which none of us need. I yelled at him saying we need each other and to stop running away from her that she can not do any harm to us.

I feel that Daniel is trying to hold on to life even though He is living life through me. As he is me, I keep telling him that and if he could learn to let go things will be better off.

I was able to chat with my friend Riley as our conversation was inspiring as this is what was said

5:46 AM

You sent Today at 5:46 AM

Hello Riley how are you doing

Riley sent Today at 5:49 AM

doing well how are you?

You sent Today at 5:50 AM

I am hanging in there still going through some horrible emotional feelings, these emotions have been very trying lately

Riley sent Today at 5:53 AM

I'm sorry to hear that. It can definitely be tough, I hope you have ways to help deal with them and distract and whatnot. I usually lean into art and memes and nature when I'm going through tough emotions.

You sent Today at 6:02 AM

I am doing some distractions which are helping and also getting help from my stepmom. She was explaining to me about Danielle being brought out of the closet after all these years on how she is learning and trying to cope being out, still being influenced by Daniel ( subconscious mind) in the matter of speaking. As Daniel and Danielle need to coexist with one another.

Riley sent Today at 6:11 AM

Yep, the life experience of being trans is extremely complicated and sometimes hard to navigate. Personally I developed a lot of protective measures that essentially was a mask to hide who I really was pretransition. When you spend years and years and years in a mask it's sometimes hard to figure out what's real and what was just a defense mechanism. I am constantly defining and redefining and learning about myself. I'm sure you are too.

You sent Today at 6:35 AM

I have to agree with you on that , it's pretty much what my step mother was telling me, but she was also saying and I hope that I understood what she was trying to tell me is that Daniel has not given Danielle full control of her life even though he went under the agreement about doing the transition but he is not living up to his end of the bargain. So far I feel that he has up to 75% but the remaining 25% he has to give up when it comes to Merle. he takes complete control but he loses it completely as his solution is to give up and walk down the dark path, as I do not understand why he would give up that easily, but in my opinion he's tired and he thinks that is his only option. I can't believe that I am talking like this like I am two people ( its nerve racking) but my mom tells me that it happens

Riley sent Today at 6:43 AM

I mean I can't say I completely am able to say I've had a similar experience of thinking of pre-transition self and post transition self as two different people or personas. I sort of just see pre-transition me as a Riley except I didn't know how to express my femininity in a way that felt safe or even in a way that I felt would be accepted. I didn't know how to actualize who I felt like I was as a person and it takes a lot of work to build up the courage to fully give in and just fully allow your authentic self just exist when it's felt like your whole life was trying to hide your authentic self. I kinda see it as I have always been Riley, it just took a while to fully realize how it was possible to throw away the bullshit walls I built up as a defense mechanism and trying to be what I felt society wanted me to be, and just allow myself to be what I want to be. I'm probably kinda rambling but I guess I'm just thinking about what you're saying and typing my thoughts as I think them. I've only ever known you as Danielle so that's just who you are to me.

You sent Today at 6:55 AM

Your good and no you are not rambling. I have been thinking but sometimes I over think on many issues as my mother have all ways told me that my thinking process is to logical and to lighten up and start thinking out of the box instead of out weighing every decision i make. just go with the flow and hope for the best outcome. when my I met Josie, she was the one who opened my eyes to who I am and after the incident with my ex because I was divorced from Merle she blackmailed me into remarrying her and I didn't listen to Josie who worked for the Ocean City Police Dept. NJ but I fell for merle's theatrics and ending up marrying her. If I stayed with Josie she would have allowed me to transition sooner than I did and I guess I would be better off now instead of going through this. That part I regret but Daniel was the one that started all the research and weighed all the advantages and disadvantages but he thought I would never come true until Danielle actually surfaced in 2019 and took over seeing me going through the horrors of life and wanting to make things better.

Riley sent Today at 7:01 AM

I can understand thinking about the past and analyzing decisions. I think that everything happens in divine timing and thinking of could have and would haves can only lead to negative thought processes. I'm sure that decisions you made were made for a reason at the time. and your path took the turns it did for some reason or another, even if it's not totally clear. Maybe there was something to be learned, maybe it was for your kids, maybe it was for some other reason. Your transition happened when it was supposed to for you and when you were ready for it and while I think that every person who doesn't get to transition at puberty definitely always thinks about what could have been different or better, I think that those thought processes can sometimes only spiral into negative thinking.

You sent Today at 7:04 AM

Danielle started to deal with Daniel ever since setting the Date for the bottom surgery in Sept. taking me out of reality as I never knew that your subconscious mind can do that. making me see things that weren't there and actually seeing myself at the table looking at the craftmanship of a knife making me think that he was going to stab me in the chest and the 2 more times making me think that i was surrounded by police with thier guns drawn seeing myself with the knife in my hands yelling at the police look what she is doing to me make her stop. My subconscious mind was playing horrible tricks on me and when I was working at my job that people noticed the change in me, I spoke with my therapist as he told me it can happen, I asked him can he make me kill myself , as I have heard that it could happen he said no but my jury is still out it

Riley sent Today at 7:06 AM

that all sounds really intense, I'm not really sure how to respond tbh. It sounds like working with your therapist is the best course to take there

Riley sent Today at 7:07 AM

I left evolutions for a lot of personal reasons and because I don't really have it in me to offer support. It takes me into too negative a space to constantly be dealing with other people's stuff when I have my own stuff to deal with. I don't mind talking, but, I honestly can't say I know how to advise or speak on those kinds of issues other than to seek professional help with them.

You sent Today at 7:13 AM

your correct on that assumption, I have survived all these years regretting some things that I wished I took the risk, but as my mom said to me recently that I was afraid and never took the initiative because of several things I was held back not by my doing but from some other person like my dad and developed the security of always playing it safe and not taking risks as Danielle came out and took over to make me happy and to be proud on what I have accomplished ,, Don't get me wrong I am glad I did what I did , transitioned and the surgery as I explained to everyone that Daniel had many opportunity to cancel or postpone the events but he never did and he needs to get more hard core on when Danielle deals with Merle that is where the collapse happens. when that happens I feel that my life will be better off and as for my Kids they don't have to accept me for who I am but to let them know that I am happy with my life

You sent Today at 7:15 AM

I am so sorry about this, I felt like i needed to vent after the bad week I have had , got written up at work because of fracking customer over something stupid that she assumed I did,

You sent Today at 7:17 AM

I see it this way since I have been around for awhile I feel that I can help, I enjoy helping other's even if they don't want but I am always open to talk to give them some support . that is why I was an EMT because I wanted to help others in need

You sent Today at 7:19 AM

In 1990 I stood in support of the Family Leave Act to get congress to pass the law, that is how far I will go to accomplish things and today we have such law enacted

Riley sent Today at 7:19 AM

I understand. I just can't pretend to be able to be in a position to really take on the role of anyone's therapist or anything. On social media I probably look like things are great but tbh I'm in between living situations and have a mess of a lease situation, Prepping for 3 surgeries at once, and dealing with my own insomnia/anxiety issues, and working 60 hour weeks on 12 hour night shifts, so it's hard for me to take on some of the more intense stuff sometimes. It just leaves me in a position where I feel like I don't know what to say or what's right or wrong.

You sent Today at 7:24 AM

I do know how you feel about evolutions after the fact when I was not in the right state of mind I was cut off short by Gabe because I was taking to long as it gave me a message that the group was not a group to discuss problems and to get any support suggestions, it felt that it was just people giving a dialog only, so I just listen in only not giving any support at all but I don't know if you are aware that Gabe left and some other person took over and changing the times of the group instead of 6 it starts at 5 now which I can't attend

Riley sent Today at 7:26 AM

Yeah, I have a lot of reasons to that Im not going. Chelsea and I aren't exactly on good terms anymore.

Riley sent Today at 7:26 AM

Between that and honestly just leaving evolutions feeling worse than I did when I got there, I have no interest in peer support groups at all.

You sent Today at 7:29 AM

I hear you and understand, sometime through out the years that sometimes some of the opinions of others can work some of your problems out than a therapist can for example I have been around for (clearing throat) 58 years I can contribute a lot of suggestions but as I tell the person is to gather up all the information and decide which path to take and hope for the best, like my therapist I have tried many times to use his advise but some of it would kick me back in the ass. You control your own destiny no one else as I have learned the hard way

You sent Today at 7:33 AM

with me I just listen and see how the younger generation deals with the every day solutions, I consider you my friend and I don't want to lose that friendship because friends are hard to come by these day, people don't have the old traditional values anymore sometime it doesn't hurt to go back on them, sometimes it helps

Riley sent Today at 7:35 AM

I definitely get that. I just have found that I am able to build support nets of people who make me feel good without peer support groups. Imo in peer support every single person needs more support than they are able to give, it often leaves the room with many people needing to vent and not enough people knowing how to respond or support someone. I definitely am lucky in that I have a therapist who just gets me. She knows how to speak to me and what I respond well to. After going to evolutions for a year I realized I had the framework for better ways to deal with my issues. And no worries, I don't mean anything like I don't wanna talk or be friends, I guess I just wanted to explain that if I don't respond to something it's just cause I'm not sure how, that's all really.

You sent Today at 7:36 AM

Transitioning to MtF or FtM is an adventure exploring an UNDISCOVERED LAND as they say in the Star Trek movie The undiscover Country " it is what we are exploring

You sent Today at 7:40 AM

I understand completely. With me I don't expect a response to my problem it's the though of having the ability of venting, as I have found that one Thursday night there a group called Trans-Way that we just all BS together and if they is someone who is worked up its a good place to get it off your shoulds

You sent Today at 7:41 AM

excuse my spelling I am a good speller even though it doesn't look like I do on here

You sent Today at 7:43 AM

well I have to go and start doing my daily maintenance, You have yourself a good day and remember to take the day on don't let the day take you on.

1

You sent Today at 7:43 AM

thanks for the chat

Riley sent Today at 7:45 AM

Have a good day! I am about to get some sleep, work in 11 hours!!

You sent Today at 8:01 AM

night

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