march 8 2012
Kids at theo's today - just watched them run across the street and felt my heart break over how big and wonderful they are. laughed a lot. we always do when we go out to breakfast now.
ther other night sang to alex and ended song with 'and i hope you like rice, because i don't at all'. tonight she added it to the end of the song i was singing...she loves it, said when i become a famous singer that must be how i end every song. my new trademark:)
made love with brent today. and felt wonderful. and nowhere near as good as charlie. who is...pretty comfy in his life because he is a happy guy. which he is. so not used to asking for and thinking he deserves happiness that he wont ask. and so much pride. and hurt. and laziness regarding himself. and fear. and abuse. and he gets to fuck me. ME. so why would he change when his life is so comfy for the girls too? its maddening, understandable....and not my life. harsh, but true. as for brent...he's wonderful, it was wonderful, completely surprising, though not. and no guilt. which is somewhat awful because i will be seeing alexis frequently and she does not yet really know. and i dont have any idea how that will go. ugh. but this is not wrong. its not. my heart hurts for the unknown we are all facing...that must be faced with our whole hearts. OUR WHOLE HEARTS. that much is required. from each of us.
went to susans store for two hours...shes been hurt that ive been talking about how busy i am and still not making time for her. ergh.
did euchre last night...finally really came on to kim. that might be where i need to go. seriously.
i also need to go to bed...or on to prepping for my trip to lansing tomorrow. and definitely on to MY OWN LIFE. which, fuck yes, i get better at every single day. one week without smoking is tomorrow! hooray!!!!!!!!!!!
kids have been fantastic....grocery shopping independently, put away food, fun at dinner, lincs been going to sleep so quickly, asking me to close door and not wake him up:). he is so psychiclly (sp!) amazing. wish he had more than me and jaSON and bits of others. but that is his life. it is also mine. and not. and Alex - she could use more male AND female role models. ok. enough for now.
oh i told them vonflugendorfen for last name....linc said 'dog orphan'? then 'dwarf orphan;? hes' funny:)
charlie on phone said i told him too much about brent, so natrually if reak the fuck out, send him three mails and start obsessing. and then stop! and realize that ia m not doing this again. just not. so i will listen. and submit. and concentrate on loving, healing, doing, being. and if i'm doing it with just the Gods and some friends and Lovers...so be it. It will mostly be 'alone'...but it will Be. IT WILL BE.
L, K +
ther other night sang to alex and ended song with 'and i hope you like rice, because i don't at all'. tonight she added it to the end of the song i was singing...she loves it, said when i become a famous singer that must be how i end every song. my new trademark:)
made love with brent today. and felt wonderful. and nowhere near as good as charlie. who is...pretty comfy in his life because he is a happy guy. which he is. so not used to asking for and thinking he deserves happiness that he wont ask. and so much pride. and hurt. and laziness regarding himself. and fear. and abuse. and he gets to fuck me. ME. so why would he change when his life is so comfy for the girls too? its maddening, understandable....and not my life. harsh, but true. as for brent...he's wonderful, it was wonderful, completely surprising, though not. and no guilt. which is somewhat awful because i will be seeing alexis frequently and she does not yet really know. and i dont have any idea how that will go. ugh. but this is not wrong. its not. my heart hurts for the unknown we are all facing...that must be faced with our whole hearts. OUR WHOLE HEARTS. that much is required. from each of us.
went to susans store for two hours...shes been hurt that ive been talking about how busy i am and still not making time for her. ergh.
did euchre last night...finally really came on to kim. that might be where i need to go. seriously.
i also need to go to bed...or on to prepping for my trip to lansing tomorrow. and definitely on to MY OWN LIFE. which, fuck yes, i get better at every single day. one week without smoking is tomorrow! hooray!!!!!!!!!!!
kids have been fantastic....grocery shopping independently, put away food, fun at dinner, lincs been going to sleep so quickly, asking me to close door and not wake him up:). he is so psychiclly (sp!) amazing. wish he had more than me and jaSON and bits of others. but that is his life. it is also mine. and not. and Alex - she could use more male AND female role models. ok. enough for now.
oh i told them vonflugendorfen for last name....linc said 'dog orphan'? then 'dwarf orphan;? hes' funny:)
charlie on phone said i told him too much about brent, so natrually if reak the fuck out, send him three mails and start obsessing. and then stop! and realize that ia m not doing this again. just not. so i will listen. and submit. and concentrate on loving, healing, doing, being. and if i'm doing it with just the Gods and some friends and Lovers...so be it. It will mostly be 'alone'...but it will Be. IT WILL BE.
L, K +
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