March 2008

March 1st, 2008 That is one of my biggest regrets in life, that I didn't get away during those years, I stayed at home, commuted and flew through the college curriculum (3.8 thank you very much) and just never broke up with my bf from high school (now my husband). I never lived on my own first, or really went beyond my world other than my study abroad experiences. About a year  before the wedding, I started to try to get out of that shell, but when you are tied down... it just doesn't work. Sure I had my beliefs challenged, a lot of core things about me changed, but I didn't see that as a good thing because it was not in response to my own exploration, but rather coming under attack by, well, people closer to me. I don't think personal growth really moved fast until I moved out to Illinois. It may sound really wierd to hear this, but even drinking an alcholic beverage was a struggle because I experienced such heavy disapproval, that I can to get away and do it, even hide it when I did. But, I did enjoy it from time to time. Perhaps in person, between those hot moments, I'll ask you what it was you were taught and distrusted. When I was in Ohio last, I got to have one of those 'moments' where you just go with the moment, feel layers just falling off (not literally lol.. although my mind went there too) and forget who you, where you begin and the music and outside world ends and trust that what you are doing is what you want to do and you are the one who has decided to do it without pressure from anyone else. Ok, I am sounding too vague lol... March 2nd 2008 I suppose my anxiety does seem a little silly and it is hard from the outside perspective to really relate. You know, I have tried to explain at least 5 different ways, but each just doesn't sound right for me. I have this inexplicable urge that I have to explain everything I do and 'get approved'. I know it is because for the last 8 years, in order for my opinion to 'count', to do what I want to do, to keep from criticism, this is what I have had to do. When we first started dating, I enjoyed the 'debates' and was pretty good at it, but then it became a way of life that I am only now realizing the damage I have allowed to occur. lol, he still tells me (its been 8 years since I have had them) that I should cut bangs because he likes it, I don't though (tenacity, gotta love it), and it almost becomes a sticking point. So, I avoid situations where I feel like I have to explain myself, even if I don't really have to. During the day I don't have to explain a thing. Not to mention there have been about 2 times since we were married that he comes right out and asks if I am cheating on him, both times were a truthful no, he just was suspicious of mood changes, or my abstinence from sex or something.  March 4th 2008My friends that I am seeing on Saturday, well the one whose house we will be at, is special in the fact that she is my friend and that she has agreed that if I ever needed an excuse to ‘be alone’ and get away from Scott (she is party to the whole marriage issues) she has opened her house to be a place to get away at, or if I wanted to be alone, to use her as an excuse.March 9th 2008One thing that really struck me in your email was that you were talking about being a braver person. That is one point that I think at least on some level I can really relate. You have no idea how long (therapy included) it has taken me to even come to the point of realizing that I had allowed myself essentially to be intimidated/guilted/pressured into many things, the marriage and engagement included. And how I still allow that to a certain point even today. I was very hard on myself for a long time for being 'spineless' and a 'coward'. If I had known what I wanted, or even stood up for the fact that I knew something was wrong, I most likely would have never married. And now, I wouldn't be tormented with the thought that however slim a chance, those same ideas will be passed on to Liddie. So, you struck a chord. I loved my husband at one point, but the anger and resentment which I am still working out has completely taken over that.  March 15thFights do suck, but they have become more about me actually trying to express myself instead of hiding in fear of the consequences of doing so. This also means that it probably is counterproductive to marriage, but I have gotten to the point where I am building myself to stand alone and if need be outside of the marriage and trying to get to a point that if I so decided, I could emotionally, financially, mentally leave the bastard. If it wasn’t for Lydia, I’d already be gone. His threats of never letting go of her are a real factor in my life and decisions. And just to think before today I was even thinking about how I should appreciate him more, then he pulls this crap.  Dealing with the anger is not something I am a pro at. I grew up hiding it, almost afraid of it, so showing it is not as natural as it might be for some. Therefore when I come in the grips of fury, the body hits that survival mode and well, we all know we do and say things we shouldn’t. I just hope that Lydia will learn that expressing is ok and it is not ok to withdraw and internalize denying yourself the opportunity for some resolution and healing. I just wish she could witness the second half of that.  So now you’ve done it, you’ve got me talking to you like I was writing a journal article. You say I can talk about anything and boom lol, here you go. Sometimes I really wonder about unloading on people. It has to affect them as well. No one can act, live, think even in a vacuum. Even mundane gestures and comments affect us in some way. In person at least it is easier to equalize the conversation such that it is more of a give and take than an email will permit, but again, you are probably getting a more honest version via email.  March 16th"Talking about endings...I can see your future I think.  I totally see you in training.  Training yourself to be independent of Scott.  I think you've made up your mind about leaving him.  You are gradually gaining strength, and prowess, and independence, and a fighting spirit and you are eventually going to feel ready to go.  Maybe I'm helping you a little with that training.  Do you think that's true?" yes, beyond yes, that is true. if not, it is giving me the strength to see things as they are and decide what to do from there.  I want to say also that everything, absolutely everything you have said about your home life reinforces the kindredness I feel with you. Sometime, in person we can talk more, but I want you to know that just reading your email was like looking into a mirror, more ways than one. I have gotten to the point where I wonder if I am guilty of what he has done to me out of resentment, coping strategy or whatever in addition. Another thing I want to say is you talk about wanting to be the 'braver one. Stop. The one I know is the one who is careful, a loving father, who would do anything for his kids and has the courage to do so. As far as the future, only you can answer those questions. As far as the past, we both made decisions that led us to this point. We can't beat ourselves up over that, hell, our spouses do it for us.  You also talked about options, or lack thereof. For me, I have felt that I don't have as many as you would like to believe. For example, financially, I haven't been able to leave, I have in a sense been 'caged' by that and only now am I really trying to know where the money goes in our house. From day 1 he took that over. Plus, being in school, constantly reminded that we are in Illinois for him and that he wants me to stay home and how I will never make as much as he will. Not to mention he has his family to support him and get a great lawyer if need be. Secondly, he is good, really good, manipulative, and smart. No matter what I do to try to do something he always seems one step ahead of me. I really really fear that he would find a way to pin a label on me that would force me to give up Lydia. He had to know that I was on antidepressants, twice, and both were hell. I said some things, did some things that I would have never done if it wasn't for those. I know you understand at least a little bit the idea of suicidal thoughts, now imagine unable to control them for months... longer.. even in beautiful Florida vacation. Wanting to take your child's life so that they will not suffer the seemingly certain torment of life. I no longer have these thoughts, it has been a while. I think those thoughts coincided precisely with the stages of those drugs. Scary as it sounds, I can almost imagine a tiny bit of the NIU shooter, heck I was on the same drug and went cold turkey off of it. One thing that people always tell me though is that no matter how I feel, there are always options. Even if I feel like I can't because it will hurt to many people, there are always options. On my wedding day and leading up to it, I felt that there was no way to say no, too many people were invested in the marriage and I had come to love his family. But even then, looking back, I had that option.  March 18thYou are right that I have my own doubts. I have spent most of the last eight years trying to not think about it because it caused some of the first bitter disappointment between Scott and I. When you mention the debating, I think perhaps I should clarify what really turned me off of that. It was that if my explanations and proof was not adequate in his eyes, it had no merit. So, 18 or 19 years old, still not fully disillusioned with the church yet, it was a tough blow that he wouldn't even consider that there were other possibilities than what he had used his logic to figure out. All I wanted was to be taken seriously. I never looked for agreement, nor even persuasion. Yet, somehow, I had to be irrevocably wrong. I could never, and would never express any doubts or weaknesses in my mindset from then on for fear that it would be inundated with his truth and it wouldn't be what I decided to believe. So, it was suppressed, and in many ways, continues to be. The horrible part about it is that belief systems are a good part of becoming an independent person, so despite the running I have done and do from the whole mess, it catches up with me. Each time I have to decide, do I deal with it, or push it aside again? And please trust me when I say, you can share anything and I will not judge, nor take offense, nor try to tell you that you are wrong in anyway for what you think. And as far as playing devil's advocate... here is how I see it, can you really know what you believe unless you have questioned it? What I would see is sharing experiences, not a confrontation, learning about each other, and not trying to change each other and in the end if we have changed anything, it will have been our own choice.