March 2022

The beginning of March came in like a lamb as the Weather will say with warm temps and a little rain. As for myself I keep on regretting of going to the hospital In August to find out that I almost had a heart attack that the doctors told me that they caught it in time, I just wish that I didn't. As the way I feel today I wanted nature to take it's course I rather be dead as I wouldn't feel the pain and depression. I always think about trying to get my body back into things. The way it use to be without having to always asking for help. I do not like this anymore, I do not want to live anymore I am done. I have not seen my two daughters in over two years. I have been alienated from my oldest daughter as she is getting married in May and I am not invited to her wedding. I still don't know what to do, I feel alone and I am tired, I am tired. I am still fighting with merle and still haven't found a way to get the date of our second marriage so I can file for the divorce. But on top of everything else Russia decides to invade Ukraine. They have started so much turmoil higher prices at the gas pumps the struggle to survival has gotten extreme. I feel like that I have no more fight left in me and maybe it is time for me to go to sleep and not wake up. I feel like some days I have bitten off more than I can chew. I have tried many ways to find a partner with no luck as I feel like I have just wasted my money in finding a partner, I don't think I will ever find one and maybe I should give up. I am still crying but not as much, as I am starting to get immune to things, but for how much longer can I be immune to things, will it start to collapse or will I get stronger in every means necessary. I feel that if I can find a place of my own I think things will be a little better Living wise. I wouldn't have to deal with a roommate on my cooking or even working late and to eat something that won't bother her. I feel that I have lost the thinking of possibility of a positive attitude of myself. What is March going to bring and will I have the ability to schedule my revision so I won't have my urine going into my vagina?? And Maybe I will have my breast augmentation done after the reunion. I wish that I can have my old body back, what am I saying I am proud of what I have done these past two years as I am trying to make up from the past to have the rest of my life a lot better than it was prior. Will I be happy of just be half happy if there is such a thing. I feel that I have done pretty good but I need to keep my self control going and not allow it to slip not even for a little bit. But what is going to transpire with merle will she give me my divorce or will she continue to make me unhappy just like she is and what will come of Vanne and Robert is Merle passes away or I do. I feel sorry that Robert is loosing his vision, I wish I can do something for him as He has gone through enough in his life as I did, even though our scenarios are different. I will never know